Therapy mode and a challenge

This week has been full of appointments, which has been really good. I needed the extra support. I had group on Monday night. Dietitian appointment last night. And therapy this morning. I will touch on each of the three.

Group was really good, but also really intense. It was just me and one other girl, and the group leader. I actually prefer it when there are fewer people because we have more time to talk and more time to get/give feedback. So, anyway I just talked about how difficult things have been lately. I was in a really dark place in my head that night, so it was good timing I guess. I just kind of had this realization that I am absolutely terrified of struggling any more than I am right now. Terrified. It would just be one step closer to relapse and I cannot go through that again. I don't know how I made it through last time, and so I believe that if I had a full blown relapse again, that I wouldn't survive. So, I am so scared of doing any worse than I am now. I just cannot go backwards. I got pretty teared up saying all this in group. My group leader and the other girl there were so, so supportive and had so much great feedback for me and that made me feel a lot better. I was definitely pretty drained after group that night.

My dietitian appointment last night was pretty interesting. We talked a lot about how I have had my eating disorder for so long (9 years) and how it has truly become my identity. Now that I am in recovery, now that I am in a good place in my life for the first time since my eating disorder started, my identity of having an eating disorder is falling away. It's scary trying to figure out who I am without it, because I'm not really sure. There still is part of me that wants to fill the holes back up with my eating disorder. So we talked about that and then we talked about how I have been struggling with dinner a lot. I won't bore you with the details of that, but she gave me some good tips to make that easier. And then, she posed a challenge to me. You see, I have this HUGE fear of eating in front of people. I don't have a problem eating in front of a large group of people, or people I have known and eaten with forever, like my family. But I am scared of eating one on one with people, or around people I don't know, or in party situations. I just think people are judging me and stuff. So my dietitian suggested we go out somewhere and eat together. I about fell on the floor when she said that. I told her I didn't want to do that. Then she brought up my ultimate "fear food". Which is cake. So then she suggested I buy cupcakes and bring them in to one of our sessions so we can eat that together. I don't know which option is scarier. As crazy as it sounds, I think eating the cake would be easier because it's not a whole meal. BUT STILL! I was pretty adamant about not wanting to do that either. She said she thinks it's something I really need to do. She also said she won't make me do anything I don't want to do, but she wants me to really think about it and maybe come up with a plan.
Oh my gosh, I don't know if I can handle this. I almost started crying just talking about it! How on earth am I going to react actually doing it?
Any words of advice on this one guys?

I had therapy this morning. That went pretty well. We talked a lot about how I need to find things outside of my eating disorder and recovery to focus on. So we talked about trying to find a church I can start going to. She also suggested I get back in touch with my artsy side. I love making collages and I love making abstract types of art. So, I think I am going to find a project or two and get started on that.

Tomorrow is Friday and I am SO glad! This week has just inched by. I have felt sick every day this week and that combined with lack of sleep has made me really grumpy and really depressed. I just really really hope that next week is better, in all ways. I want my energy back.

Oh, by the way. I know this isn't for a while but...I have some anniversaries coming up in the next couple of months.

February 10: 1 year since being admitted to the psychiatrist hospital for attempted suicide.
February 14: 1 year since I last purged <--- that is so huge for me, I cannot even explain
February 15: 1 year since being admitted to Remuda Ranch
March 31: 1 year in RECOVERY!

Getting Back on Track

Well, I think I'm finally getting back on track. It's slow, but it's better than nothing.

I have incorporated breakfast back into my days, as much as I don't want to. And while it's not really as much as I should be eating, at least I am starting with something. I am struggling with other meals, but I am being honest about it with my treatment team. I am feeling a lot of anxiety over meals, a lot of the "I'm not really hungry" feelings too. It's been really frustrating. I seem to be hungry for breakfast and lunch, and then by dinner I am not hungry at all. And then a couple hours later I am practically starving.

I saw my therapist on Thursday. That went pretty well. We talked about how anger is playing a huge part in this recent "lapse" that I am going through. For so long I have always felt that when I am angry, I can't express it or let myself feel it because I feel like I am to blame. So I realized that by talking about this with my therapist, that I DO have valid reasons for my anger, especially right now, with everything that's been going on with my family. I have a right to my anger. My therapist gave me a couple of homework assignments to work on until I see her next week, one of them regarding my anger. My therapist was pretty insistent on having me come back next week, instead of waiting two weeks like we have been. I was hesitant and didn't say no, but I didn't say yes either. So my therapist basically told me I am coming back next week, with love of course.

I have been emailing my dietitian every couple of days with my food intake as well as my thoughts and feelings. She emailed me back and said we have a lot to discuss. Our session on Wednesday should be interesting.

I am absolutely disgusted with my body right now. I hate to say that, I hate to be so negative. But I am. I do not know if I am going to be able to wear a bikini this summer. If I had to wear one right now I would be SO embarrassed. I really want to be able to come to a place where I can accept my body. I just...feel so huge.

On a better note, my parent's have decided to take me on a Spring Break trip this year! I am so excited! I haven't been on a vacation (other than our annual family beach vacation) since my Sophomore year of high school when we went to Florida for Thanksgiving. We are going to Kiawah Island in Charleston, South Carolina! I have never been here before and I am so excited! It will be just my parents and I, and my two dogs.

I have group on Monday night. I'm very anxious about this. I've been known to my group as "such a strong person" and I just am feeling embarrassed to go to group and talk about all these struggles that are happening.

There isn't much else going on. I am just so glad it's the weekend. It's so nice to relax.

thoughts

I had group tonight. It was really good, although I felt like I was all over the place when I was sharing what's been going on the past couple of weeks. I got some really good feedback from the other women and from my group leader, who all told me how proud they are of me. It felt good to hear that. There was a new girl in group tonight who just got out of treatment. When she was talking I just saw so much of myself in her. I almost started crying when giving her feedback. I told her that I know it's SO hard right now, only being home a couple of weeks but it does get better. That she has to take it one day, one meal, one snack, one bite, at a time. I guess that's also something I really needed to hear to and maybe that's why I felt like crying. I gave her my phone number at the end of group and told her I am here for her if she needs anything.

A couple of the other women were talking about how they are are so sick of being sick and tired. I felt...I don't know...weird, when they said that. Because, I feel like I'm past that stage of being sick of being sick, but...I can't tell you how many times I've felt that way before, only to eventually relapse and resort to old habits and behaviors. Why is this time any different? I guess it just feels different than it has before. I keep waiting for the hope, and excitement, and positive attitude to die off. But it doesn't. So maybe this is it. Maybe I FINALLY am at the point where I'm never going to turn back to my ED. But like I said, I keep waiting for the good feelings to fade away and if they do, I don't think I will be all that surprised. *shrugs shoulders* I don't know...

I have been thinking about something lately. When I relapsed really bad last year, more around January actually, I felt that I needed more intense help than the once a week therapy I was getting. I felt I needed to go back to treatment. When I mentioned this to my parents, they seemed to blow it off and didn't think I needed it. When I got suicidal and went to the psych hospital, my psychiatrist seemed to be the only one who thought I needed to go away to treatment. My therapist thought maybe I just needed an intensive outpatient, or to go to Remuda Life and she told me my dietitian agreed. I have never asked my dietitian if that was actually her perception as well. Looking back, I really didn't give that much thought at the time. But now, when I think about it...I get really pissed off. I didn't seem to be "bad enough" for my therapist or my parents. But I certainly felt like I needed treatment. I can't imagine what would have happened if I had gone home when I got out of the hospital, instead of going straight to treatment. My parents finally decided I needed treatment when my psychiatrist told them I needed it. Apparently, my opinion wasn't enough. Even though they told me that if I felt I needed treatment, then they would pay for it, and they did. But it just makes me mad because this makes me have feelings of like...oh well I wasn't "sick enough" back then. My blood work wasn't bad enough, I didn't look thin enough, or purge enough, or cut enough, or skip enough meals. When I think like that, I want to go back to my ED and do it the "right way". Ugh, it just makes me feel crappy. Maybe I should talk about this in therapy or something?

Anyway...that's just my thoughts for the night.

what's shakin?

Things are continuing to look up for me! Here's why:

I saw my dietitian on Monday. She was pleasantly suprised about how well I was doing! She decided not to weigh me this week. I told her that was so ironic because I wanted to talk to her about not looking at my weight anymore. She said that she didn't think she needed to weigh me because I would never be happy with the number, or if I went up or down. I'm sure she just won't completely stop weighing me. But with how well I am doing, she doesn't need to monitor my weight as much. I just got to keep this up. I told her I wasn't sure how long this good feeling would last. She said she would take it for now! Haha, I love her.

I had group last night. It was very informative, as we discussed a lot about hunger feelings and food journaling. It is frustrating that I can't practice intuitive eating yet. My group leader says it takes about a year to get back to normal. Frustrating, yet possible. Our last group is next week and I am sad to leave this group of people who I have gotten to know so well. But I have decided to join the next group, which is structured more like a support group. I start that next Monday. The group leader was super excited when I told her I wanted to join the next group. It's so funny that people have gotten so excited about me lately, haha. It's sort of baffling. But I will take it!

I am having some medical issues lately. I think I need to go to my gynecologist. Ugh. I have been researching on the internet and have tentatively diagnosed myself with ovarian cysts. I have many of the classic symptoms. I don't want to go to my gyno, when my annual appointment is in October. But, I need to get this problem solved. What should I do? Go now, or wait until October?

We had a pretty exciting, and scary, event occur here in Virginia yesterday. We had a 5.8 earthquake. It was crazy! I was home alone when I heard and felt this banging and shaking noise. At first I though it was coming from upstairs, but then everything around me was shaking! I ran and stood in a doorway (that's what they taught us in school). It went on for almost a minute. The phone lines had shut down so I couldn't get a hold of anyone. Then later on we had aftershocks at 8pm and 12am. And now Hurricane Irene is supposed to hit us this weekend! Two natural disasters in one week?

Anyway, I gotta run because I have an eye doctor appointment. I see my therapist tomorrow so I will update more then!