I can't keep doing this to myself

Before I entered treatment in February 2011, I was really good at covering up my eating disorder. I managed to starve myself, and binge/purge, without any major medical complications, and I somehow kept my weight loss a secret, because no one ever commented on it. Sure, I had the dizziness, the shakiness, dry skin, lack of energy....all of those normal things people get when they don't nourish themselves.
A week before I entered treatment in 2011, I had heart palpitations after a binge/purge episode and truly thought I would die. So I stayed up all night, in fear that I would die in my sleep. When I got to treatment, I didn't think I needed to gain weight or that anything was wrong with my vitals. I was underweight, had low blood pressure, low pulse, low body temperature, and many other medical complications. Eventually, all of that was resolved once I reached a healthier body weight.  I wasn't really invincible as I thought I was.

This past spring, after almost a full year in recovery,  I relapsed. Over the summer, I admitted myself to the psychiatric hospital because I wanted to die and planned on going through with it. While I was there, my treatment team and parents back home, told me I needed to go back to treatment. There was a place a few hours away from my house where it was suggested I go. In the end, I didn't end up going. I believed I could get back on track while doing outpatient therapy, and I certainly wasn't "sick enough" to go. Or so I thought.

I did not get back on track, in fact, things got worse. In September I went to the ER because I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink in 3 days and I was very dehydrated. My dietitian told me I was at risk for a heart attack, and that was a huge wake-up call to me. The next few weeks I improved my eating a lot, and felt back on track.

Now I'm back to where I was in September. I'm dealing with a lot of painful, painful things in therapy. It's making my anxiety crazy, and I'm nauseous all the time. I have been restricting again.
What blows my mind (although it really shouldn't) is that after using eating disorder behaviors for 10 years, it's finally catching up to me. And I am most certainly not invincible. I'm older, and I'm sure I have caused permanent damage to my body.

I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't survive any more relapses. At this point, I don't even consciously use my eating disorder. It's a habit, it's cemented into my brain. I don't want to do it. And that's what makes this so frustrating.  10 years of eating disorder behaviors is way too long. It's pretty crazy that I'm still alive.

I know how to eat, to follow a plan, to lower my anxiety, etc, etc. I just have to do it. I wish it was easy as that.