depleted

I feel like all life and positive energy has been drained from me. I really don't know how I have made it through this week without melting down...oh wait...I had a major meltdown on Wednesday that required an emergency phone call to my psychiatrist and my therapist and I had to leave work early. So, no...I'm really not handling things well.

I'm depressed. Not in a scary way, but it could definitely be headed in that direction. I get home from work at the end of the day and barely have enough energy to wash my face. I lay on my bed and can barely move my limbs because every part of me is physically and emotionally exhausted. I haven't been very mindful of my eating, actually I haven't been very mindful in any way.

I see my primary care doctor tomorrow morning. I haven't seen her since March. Since my last visit with her, I have relapsed with my ED, spent 6 days in a psychiatric hospital for being suicidal, almost went back to treatment, injured my shoulder (which probably wouldn't have happened if I had been eating), spent a night in the ER due to dehydration and electrolyte imbalance, and now I'm in a state of constant stress and depression. My doctor is very caring and supportive, but needless to say, tomorrow's appointment should be interesting.
I will insist that the nurse does not tell me my weight (although she will probably forget and put it on my checkout sheet). Whatever.

So, I'm not doing so well. I'm not sure how to really turn it around. I feel like my job is a big part of the problem. I have been reaching out for support from my treatment team though, which I am proud of myself for. I'm desperate to talk to my therapist and can't wait until our session on Tuesday. She's on vacation right now, so there's no way to talk to her.

I'm just really exhausted.