all over the place

I'm not anxious. I'm stressed. There is a difference, at least for me there is.

My job is completely stressing me out to the point of tears and complete exhaustion. It is draining me. I have no idea what to do. I don't want to quit. I don't want to say much more about it because I don't want my employer to somehow find this blog post.

I've been so stressed that I have been clenching my jaw, and grinding my teeth. My teeth and jaw ache so much. It's really painful and makes me more stressed out.

I literally slept all weekend. I'm pretty sure I was depressed, mostly from my job and just wanting to avoid trauma stuff.

I'm sick of...eating disorders. Besides my treatment team, and the close friends that I have who struggle...I want nothing to do with eating disorders. I am going to the NEDA Walk in Charlottesville next weekend because one of my best friends Michelle is going to be there. But I can't stand freaking ED's. When leaving my dietitian's office tonight, there was a super, super skinny and emaciated girl in the waiting room and yes, I did compare myself. I still struggle with that a lot. Even though I know that girl is probably miserable and drained of life. I just hate it. I hate eating disorders. They are competitive and annoying and selfish and stupid.
I want to eat normally (like I've been starting to do) and not feel guilty and like a failure for doing so, even though it excites my dietitian soooo much that I ate a cheeseburger and french fries last week.  Which I'm pretty proud of too.

I don't want to sleep away my weekends because I have NOTHING else to look forward to. I don't have any money to spend on myself (it all goes to bills and rent). I don't have any friends here. I don't have a boyfriend. I look forward to sleeping away my weekends. And I know that's not normal or healthy.

Can I just wake up tomorrow and be like everyone else who DOESN'T have an eating disorder? I can deal with all the other stuff, just not the stupid ED.