It's been awhile

Sorry for the lack of blog posts you guys. Things have been really hectic and busy and chaotic lately. This week I have been nannying full time because the kids are out of school on Winter Break. I have had to be at their house every day at 8:30 am until 5:30 pm. It's been kind of crazy, but also fun! For the most part the kids have been behaving well, with the exception of some issues here and there. But it has been to hang out with them. I swear, I feel like I am part of their family now. Jane (the mom) always comments about how I am now part of their family and I can't escape them! I just love all of them so much!

I've still been having a rough go with depression. It's mainly just the holidays that are coming up. I'm just not really into it this year. I just want to survive it and get through it and hopefully things will improve soon. I think also my depression has to do with some family drama and money stress that's been going on with me.

As far as food goes, eh well it's been okay. I've really not had the opportunity to skip meals this week because I've been spending so much time with the kids. On Tuesday we went to lunch at a pizza buffet. This is really the first buffet I have encountered since being in recovery. It really messed with me. I felt like I ate SO much. I felt completely out of control and almost felt like I couldn't stop myself. I ALMOST purged. I came so freaking close. It freaked me out so much that I emailed my dietitian. She told me that overeating sometimes is perfectly normal, and that she is so proud of me for not purging. I'm so glad I didn't because I know I would have regretted it.

I had group on Wednesday night and it was so, so great. I just vented about everything that's been going on and I got so much great feedback and support from the other women and my group leader. I am so very thankful I have this safe haven in my life. We share our struggles, but we also share our accomplishments as well as our laughter. I am so blessed.

I have been becoming closer to Jane (the mom of the kids I babysit for). I opened up to her and her husband about my past struggles with my eating disorder. I didn't really divulge details. But I was telling them how my friend Michelle (from Remuda) was coming to visit me last weekend and Jane asked where I knew her from and I just couldn't lie. So I told her the truth. She was totally and completely awesome about it. I found myself shaking as I told her. Not that I was embarrassed or ashamed or anything, but I was just nervous that she would look at my differently or something. But that was not the case at all. As I was leaving that night she was like, "thanks for telling us!" And I said, "thanks for being so accepting!" And she responded, "I'm so proud of you!" Ahh, I almost started crying. I am just so glad I told them and that she ended up being so accepting and awesome about it!
I've been having some boy drama lately and I was telling her all about it the other night and we ended up talking about it for like an hour. She's awesome, needless to say.

I am done Christmas shopping. I finished yesterday. I am pretty excited about all of the gifts that I got for everyone! That's my favorite part, giving gifts! I hope everyone likes what I got them. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve (crazy!) and we are having a family party at my parent's house. There is going to be a lot of good food and drinks, so I am excited about that. I'm also excited about getting dressed up and doing my hair and all of that fun stuff. The party will probably last until about 9ish, and then I am going to church at 11pm. And then my sisters and I all spend the night at my parent's house and we do presents on Christmas morning!

Well, that's basically all that's going on right now. I think my friends Michelle and Erin are coming to visit me next week. I am kind of stressing over that because I have so much cleaning to do in my house. My house just feels gross and cluttered and dirty. AH. Anyway...that's all for now!

Merry Christmas everyone!

drama in my brain

Ugh, this shit needs to stop. I am so sick of ED.

While I am not using behaviors, the ED thoughts are non-stop, especially since this weight gain issue has come into play. I have no idea why I am gaining weight still. My biggest fear is that I won't stop, and I really am starting to think that will actually happen. Everything with this feels so out of my control. Like, I am eating really well and not purging, but I still continue to gain. Tonight at group I was so out of it. I don't think I absorbed any information and I feel really pissed about that because I wish I could get all out of group that I can.

But, I ended up having a really awesome conversation with two of the women in group after wards. It helped to say out loud all of my fears and concerns. And when I was about to leave, the group leader saw me get into my car and asked me what was going on. And so I told her all aboualmostt the weight gain issues and she helped put my mind at rest too. And it was crazy because during group all I could think about was going to get dinner after wards and purging it. But after talking to the women from group and my group leader, I realized I didn't need/want to do that. I thought real hard about it and I realized why I wanted to purge. It was because I can't control what is going on with my weight and so purging is something I have always been able to control. And then I also realized that the loneliness I am feeling is so intense and palpable that I feel like I need to fill that void. And bingeing and purging does that for me. But, I decided to be a recovery rockstar and eat my dinner and not purge and watch a movie to distract myself.

I am also really struggling with not having a job right now. I still have my hostessing job but it doesn't really count because it's only on the weekends and the schedule won't change until September. All I can really do about that is put my name and number on the bulletin board at work in case anyone needs me to work for them. So far, no luck. My dad is already pestering me with questions about what I am going to do about a job. I really need to figure it out so I won't get stressed out about it, so I can make some money, and so I don't just sit on my ass all day.

I am also making myself start jogging again. I really need to start exercising more and hopefully that will stop the weight gain. It's so damn hot outside so I will have to wake up early to do it. I am also going to start doing some sprint dashes and strength exercises like push ups and sit ups and work on my flexibility. I also am going to get blood work done tomorrow to get my thyroid checked to see if that possibly could have something to do with the weight gain. Just make it stop!!!

I am super excited for tomorrow because I am meeting Sarah! I met her a few years ago on MySpace and we have kept in close contact and I feel like I've known her all my life. I am meeting her and her friend at the mall for lunch. And then Thursday night I am meeting my friend Karen for dinner at Panera, and I am soooo excited for this. Karen is one of the most inspiring people I know and I always feel better when I have a talk with her. I love her.
And Friday I am having two abnormal moles on my foot removed and will have to sit and lay down all weekend (which I'm not complaining about!)

Anyway, that's all for now.