Ugh, this shit needs to stop. I am so sick of ED.
While I am not using behaviors, the ED thoughts are non-stop, especially since this weight gain issue has come into play. I have no idea why I am gaining weight still. My biggest fear is that I won't stop, and I really am starting to think that will actually happen. Everything with this feels so out of my control. Like, I am eating really well and not purging, but I still continue to gain. Tonight at group I was so out of it. I don't think I absorbed any information and I feel really pissed about that because I wish I could get all out of group that I can.
But, I ended up having a really awesome conversation with two of the women in group after wards. It helped to say out loud all of my fears and concerns. And when I was about to leave, the group leader saw me get into my car and asked me what was going on. And so I told her all aboualmostt the weight gain issues and she helped put my mind at rest too. And it was crazy because during group all I could think about was going to get dinner after wards and purging it. But after talking to the women from group and my group leader, I realized I didn't need/want to do that. I thought real hard about it and I realized why I wanted to purge. It was because I can't control what is going on with my weight and so purging is something I have always been able to control. And then I also realized that the loneliness I am feeling is so intense and palpable that I feel like I need to fill that void. And bingeing and purging does that for me. But, I decided to be a recovery rockstar and eat my dinner and not purge and watch a movie to distract myself.
I am also really struggling with not having a job right now. I still have my hostessing job but it doesn't really count because it's only on the weekends and the schedule won't change until September. All I can really do about that is put my name and number on the bulletin board at work in case anyone needs me to work for them. So far, no luck. My dad is already pestering me with questions about what I am going to do about a job. I really need to figure it out so I won't get stressed out about it, so I can make some money, and so I don't just sit on my ass all day.
I am also making myself start jogging again. I really need to start exercising more and hopefully that will stop the weight gain. It's so damn hot outside so I will have to wake up early to do it. I am also going to start doing some sprint dashes and strength exercises like push ups and sit ups and work on my flexibility. I also am going to get blood work done tomorrow to get my thyroid checked to see if that possibly could have something to do with the weight gain. Just make it stop!!!
I am super excited for tomorrow because I am meeting Sarah! I met her a few years ago on MySpace and we have kept in close contact and I feel like I've known her all my life. I am meeting her and her friend at the mall for lunch. And then Thursday night I am meeting my friend Karen for dinner at Panera, and I am soooo excited for this. Karen is one of the most inspiring people I know and I always feel better when I have a talk with her. I love her.
And Friday I am having two abnormal moles on my foot removed and will have to sit and lay down all weekend (which I'm not complaining about!)
Anyway, that's all for now.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
super long post
Today, was a draining, emotional, but good day. I had therapy today, for the first time in 2 weeks. When I woke up this morning, I literally jumped out of bed because I was so excited. I felt a little bit of anxiety heading into therapy, but more excitement. It was so good to see my therapist. She later texted me and told me how nice it was to see me too.
We covered a lot in our session today. I talked about how my depression has come back in the past couple of weeks. She said that it makes sense that it's come back, because of the lack of control I have with the whole therapy situation. I just have to keep truckin' along and knowing it will not be like this forever. The depression has concerned me a little bit, just the oversleeping, and not cleaning and letting my laundry around...these are all classic signs for me. I know it's all situational, I just need to...keep going.
We also talked about the restricting that's been going on. My therapist is still encouraging me to eat 3 times a day, she says it doesn't matter what I eat, as long as it is 3 times a day. I know this will be hard, but I know it's necessary. My metabolism is majorly fucked up. It has been for quite some time. I want it go back to the way it was. Granted, my weight is fine (in reality, not in my head) but if I continue to eat the way I am, it will not be good for me. It isn't good for me now!
I talked about the situation with my younger sister and how triggering she has been lately. My therapist and I decided I should talk to my mom about this. I am at the point where I am concerned for my sister, that she might have issues with food. And I just want to share my concern with my mom and see if she feels the same way. I didn't get a chance to talk to my mom today, but I'm sure I will soon.
Then, we started talking about abuse stuff. I get really quiet when this topic comes up. I talk, but not as much, and my breathing starts to get really fast. I had brought my journal with me, so I shared with her a few exerpts that I had written pertaining to the abuse. She asked me if I ever get angry about it, or at him. I told her I have a couple times, but not really. She says it's something I need to do and asked why I hold back that anger. I guess it's because...I feel anger towards myself still, also guilt and shame. I feel like I have to apologize to myself..for not taking care of myself better. I also wonder, what happened to him in his life, and feel like...well maybe I have no right to be angry at him if something bad happened to him. My therapist told me I always have a right to my feelings, despite what happened to him. I believe her, but there still seems to be something holding me back from feeling anger. My goal for the next two weeks from my therapist is to experiment with feeling angry, and just see how it goes. I'm scared if I do that, I will completely lose it and lose control. But, hey I am willing to give it a try. We were continuing to talk about the abuse when I started to disconnect. I totally felt it, I zoned out. My eyes were in a blank stare. I could see things in my head, memories. And I felt scared, I felt the tears forming behind my eyes, and my breathing got really really fast. My therapist kept asking me what was going on and I could not open my mouth, it was just physically impossible at the time. Finally she asked,"what do you need, a hug?" I nodded and she came and sat beside me and held me and I finally let the tears out. Afterwards I was able to tell her what was going on in my head and what I was feeling. Today was the first time I have ever cried in front of my therapist (I have been seeing her almost a year). It was a scary and vulnerable thing for me, but God, it felt good to let it out.
I left therapy feeling hopeful, drained, but hopeful. I ran some errands with my mom, went to the library and then went to my parent's house for dinner. I came home to my own house, and basically had a meltdown. "How am I going to get through another 2 weeks?" I kept saying out loud to myself, "Holly you can do this, you are going to be ok" These are words my therapist says to me constantly! But I continued to cry. I also was overcome with emotion when thinking about how supportive and caring my therapist is/has been. Does anyone ever get like that? I mean, I have been in therapy for years, but for the past year I have really started working on all my shit. And my therapist has been completely and 100% supportive and caring, and there for me when I need her. It just makes me emotional. So, I also was crying about that. And then I freaked out about abuse stuff, had some flashbacks, but with the help of Emily (she also blogs on here) I calmed down.
Which brings me to my next little blurb...Emily. I have found a new friend within the past two days. We have talked online for a couple hours the past two nights and now I feel like I've known her forever. She is such an inspiration to me, all that she is going through and fighting, and continuing to be so positive about life and recovery. I could not have gotten through tonight without her, and I know I have her on my side and as my support. Thank you Em, you really mean the world to me.
Well, I think that's about it. Sorry this was so super long, I guess today was sort of epic. It felt that way at least. So I'm ready to fight through the next 2 weeks, journal every day, try to eat 3 times a day, and reach out for help when I need it.
I can do this. I will be okay.
We covered a lot in our session today. I talked about how my depression has come back in the past couple of weeks. She said that it makes sense that it's come back, because of the lack of control I have with the whole therapy situation. I just have to keep truckin' along and knowing it will not be like this forever. The depression has concerned me a little bit, just the oversleeping, and not cleaning and letting my laundry around...these are all classic signs for me. I know it's all situational, I just need to...keep going.
We also talked about the restricting that's been going on. My therapist is still encouraging me to eat 3 times a day, she says it doesn't matter what I eat, as long as it is 3 times a day. I know this will be hard, but I know it's necessary. My metabolism is majorly fucked up. It has been for quite some time. I want it go back to the way it was. Granted, my weight is fine (in reality, not in my head) but if I continue to eat the way I am, it will not be good for me. It isn't good for me now!
I talked about the situation with my younger sister and how triggering she has been lately. My therapist and I decided I should talk to my mom about this. I am at the point where I am concerned for my sister, that she might have issues with food. And I just want to share my concern with my mom and see if she feels the same way. I didn't get a chance to talk to my mom today, but I'm sure I will soon.
Then, we started talking about abuse stuff. I get really quiet when this topic comes up. I talk, but not as much, and my breathing starts to get really fast. I had brought my journal with me, so I shared with her a few exerpts that I had written pertaining to the abuse. She asked me if I ever get angry about it, or at him. I told her I have a couple times, but not really. She says it's something I need to do and asked why I hold back that anger. I guess it's because...I feel anger towards myself still, also guilt and shame. I feel like I have to apologize to myself..for not taking care of myself better. I also wonder, what happened to him in his life, and feel like...well maybe I have no right to be angry at him if something bad happened to him. My therapist told me I always have a right to my feelings, despite what happened to him. I believe her, but there still seems to be something holding me back from feeling anger. My goal for the next two weeks from my therapist is to experiment with feeling angry, and just see how it goes. I'm scared if I do that, I will completely lose it and lose control. But, hey I am willing to give it a try. We were continuing to talk about the abuse when I started to disconnect. I totally felt it, I zoned out. My eyes were in a blank stare. I could see things in my head, memories. And I felt scared, I felt the tears forming behind my eyes, and my breathing got really really fast. My therapist kept asking me what was going on and I could not open my mouth, it was just physically impossible at the time. Finally she asked,"what do you need, a hug?" I nodded and she came and sat beside me and held me and I finally let the tears out. Afterwards I was able to tell her what was going on in my head and what I was feeling. Today was the first time I have ever cried in front of my therapist (I have been seeing her almost a year). It was a scary and vulnerable thing for me, but God, it felt good to let it out.
I left therapy feeling hopeful, drained, but hopeful. I ran some errands with my mom, went to the library and then went to my parent's house for dinner. I came home to my own house, and basically had a meltdown. "How am I going to get through another 2 weeks?" I kept saying out loud to myself, "Holly you can do this, you are going to be ok" These are words my therapist says to me constantly! But I continued to cry. I also was overcome with emotion when thinking about how supportive and caring my therapist is/has been. Does anyone ever get like that? I mean, I have been in therapy for years, but for the past year I have really started working on all my shit. And my therapist has been completely and 100% supportive and caring, and there for me when I need her. It just makes me emotional. So, I also was crying about that. And then I freaked out about abuse stuff, had some flashbacks, but with the help of Emily (she also blogs on here) I calmed down.
Which brings me to my next little blurb...Emily. I have found a new friend within the past two days. We have talked online for a couple hours the past two nights and now I feel like I've known her forever. She is such an inspiration to me, all that she is going through and fighting, and continuing to be so positive about life and recovery. I could not have gotten through tonight without her, and I know I have her on my side and as my support. Thank you Em, you really mean the world to me.
Well, I think that's about it. Sorry this was so super long, I guess today was sort of epic. It felt that way at least. So I'm ready to fight through the next 2 weeks, journal every day, try to eat 3 times a day, and reach out for help when I need it.
I can do this. I will be okay.
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