this and that.

I'm currently at the beach on vacation. It is Heaven here. The weather is perfect and I love the beach so I am feeling super relaxed. We are here (my family and I) until next Sunday. Which means I will be spending my birthday here, which I have NO problem with.

Things are a little complicated down here though. Wednsday, the day before we left for the beach, I was diving off the diving board at the pool with the kids. I was a competitive diver for 13 years so it wasn't like I didn't know what I was doing, but it had been a while since I had seriously dived. I was doing a very simple front dive in the pike position, a dive I have done millions and millions of times. I'm exactly sure what happened, but I lost control and was going faster and higher than I intended. My arms flew backward at an awkward angle and I immidietly felt something hurt in my left shoulder. I got out of the pool and was in pretty bad pain. At first I thought I had dislocated my shoulder, but nothing looked wrong and I didn't know what I had done. My hands and fingers began to go numb and tingly and as the day went on my arm felt numb, heavy, and useless, and my shoulder still hurt. I went to an orthopedic urgent care after work and had x rays done. I did not have a total dislocation of my shoulder, however I did have a partial dislocation (also called a subluxation) meaning my shoulder joint popped out and right back in by itself, and I also have a possible torn labrum. I was given a sling and painkillers. I'm kind of bummed this happened before the beach, but at least it's nothing more serious. My shoulder is still hurting me. When I get back from vacation I have to see a specialist and go from there.

I have news. I have decided to switch therapists. I have already had an intake type appointment with one and have chosen to work with her. I really liked the vibe I got from her and I really think she will be able to help me. My current therapist knows not much about this. She knows I was thinking about switching and was looking into other therapists. But she was on vacation this week and so I wasn't able to see her and tell her what's going on. I have no idea how I'm going to tell her. I don't feel bad, I just want to do it the right way. She helped me for almost 3 years and now it's time to move on. I have an appointment with her the Friday I get back, but I'm not sure I want to keep it. I was thinking of emailing her and telling her I no longer need her. Would that be rude? I need opinions here.

I saw my dietitian 4 times in 1 week. I have been struggling majorly with restricting and my weight shows it. It's a very slow weight loss, but still worrysome. I am hoping that while I am at the beach I will be more relaxed and eating will come easier. So far, that's not really how it's going. I mean eating is better, but not ideal to my dietitian. I have major, major anxiety surrounding anything to do with food. It's incredibly frustrating.

My intake appointment with the new therapist brought up some old (but also new) emotions and thoughts. She asked about things that I haven't really in depth talked about in a while, or at all. I have been a little depressed from it, and I'm eager to continue to talk about it with her. I need to get out my journal and write it down.

It's stressful at times being down here with my family 24/7. My dad annoys the hell out of me. I can't seem to get away from it. It's so frustrating. UGH.

Anyway, that's it with me. For now.

leaving paradise

Well, we leave the beach tomorrow. I'm pretty bummed about it. This has been such a relaxing vacation. Today was really amazing, pretty much perfect. I was on the beach from about noon until 6pm. The weather was picture perfect. I went with Erin, and my sister, and the guys out to the biggest beach on the island and watched them fish. They caught a sting ray and it was on the line for an hour and a half until it finally broke free. It was pretty awesome, and all these people came out to watch. The water was a really pretty green, it was almost blue. I took in all of it and I have never felt so relaxed and so at peace with my mind, body, and with the world.

This week has been pretty amazing overall. Like I said in an earlier post, I have felt little to no anxiety while I've been here. I haven't been thinking about the demons in my past, work, my lack of social life, the loneliness I feel back at home, none of that. Even my body image has been better while I've been here. I think being tan has helped a lot. I will admit that I have felt big compared to everyone else here, which sucks. My weight is just not where I want it to be. I wish I could weigh about 10lbs less. And honestly, I weighed 10lbs less about a month ago, and was still healthy and getting my period and not underweight and in the middle of my weight range. And there are still times when I want to weigh what I did when I went to Remuda. But when I think about how fucking miserable I was back then...how food didn't even have a taste, how I didn't enjoy anything I ate, how I couldn't eat a normal meal without throwing it up, I know I would never ever want to go back to that. To wanting to kill myself every single day. It was hell on earth and I would not go back to that no matter what someone promised me. It wasn't worth it, and it never will be. I was looking at pictures on my camera that have been taken of me while I have been here at the beach. And I actually kind of like my new body. It's a feeling that comes and goes for sure. But I looked at myself today and thought, hey I look healthy and I'm glowing and I don't look like I am about to die. And I think I could get used to looking like this. :)


Well when I get back home I have a busy week ahead of me. I have work on Sunday, and then a dietitian appointment on Monday, a psychiatrist appointment and group on Tuesday, and then a fundraiser for an eating disorder foundation on Wednesday, and a dermatologist appointment on Friday. And then my therapist comes back from vacation the week after next.

I am going to miss the beach crazy. Home just doesn't feel like home. Every thing bothers me there. I have no friends, my diving job is over, and so I won't have an income any more. It sucks. Oh and group is going to be over in a couple weeks. I am going to convince my parents to let me do the next support group though and hopefully that will be good.

That's all for now.

beach update

So I'm still at the beach. Except for the two days that it was rainy and cloudy, it has been paradise. I wish I never had to leave. But I have to admit I am looking forward to getting back home in my own bed, my own kitchen, and not having to share every thing with 9 other people. My birthday was on Tuesday. It was cloudy pretty much all day, but the sun finally came out at the end of the day. We had tacos for dinner, and my mom baked a funfetti birthday cake. The hardest part of the day was eating that cake. God, why does cake have to be such a bad food? I don't even like it. It is too rich and I get full so fast. But I ate it, and that's what counts. I got some really awesome birthday presents. In addition to the iPod touch my parents got me, I also got a beach tote from Erin and really pretty earrings. And necklaces from my sisters. I have also bought some other jewelry while I have been down here. I have stuck to the goal I set with my dietitian before I got here. Which was to incorporate breakfast back into my meal plan. It hasn't been as hard as I thought, but it has made lunch and dinner much harder. I am having a hard time finishing meals, and even Erin confronted me about it. I felt really guilty when she asked if everything was going okay because she noticed I wasn't finishing all my meals. I felt bad because I thought what if I was triggering her and making it harder for her at meal times. I emailed my therapist about it because it kind of made me reconsider my recovery. She asked if I was doing the best I can. And I replied that I really thought I was. She said if I am doing the best I can, then everything is okay. I said that it has been really hard for me to eat breakfast again, because of this weight gain issue, but that I was doing it anyway and trusting her and my dietitian, and trying my hardest to trust my body as well. It's not that I want to restrict, because I don't. I think my body is adjusting to the addition of breakfast into my days. I haven't had breakfast on a regular basis since Remuda. It's hard right now, but I know it will get easier.

I am having so much fun down here. Erin is one of the funniest people I know and I haven't laughed this hard in a long, long time. It's really going to suck when I get home, and she goes back to Maryland, and I will be alone again. I really need to give my social life a makeover. My mom has asked me several times if I think Erin is having fun. And I think she is. I really hope she is. Sometimes I worry I am not being a good friend because I am not that talkative. I really try and think of things to talk about, but it's like a mental block. Maybe I need to give my social skills a makeover too.

When I get home from the beach, my therapist will be on vacation. It will be the longest I have gone without seeing my therapist since Remuda. I'm not too, too worried about it. Because I know I will have other means of support while she is gone like group, my dietitian, my psychiatrist and Karen. But I am worried about all the emotions and memories that were brought up in my last therapy session. I really need to work on the homework assignment my therapist gave me. But I am scared to, because I know it's going to make me really emotional and I won't be able to call her. At least I can still email and text.

Other than all of the above, nothing much else is different. This vacation has been such a source of relaxation and rest that I have needed all summer. I haven't had any anxiety attacks while I have been here either. Nothing is better than the sunshine and ocean and the beach breeze.
R
That's it for now. I will update when I am back home.

intensity

Yesterday I had therapy. It was one of the most intense sessions of my life. We talked about pretty much everything, focusing more on body image and eating disorder stuff. But at the end I decided to bring up something that I have been thinking a lot about. My 5th and 6th grade year was hands down the worst years of my life. SO many horrible things happened; the abuse, losing gymnastics, losing my grandmother, changing schools, identity crisis. And not until about 6 months ago did I realize how traumatic those 2 years were for me. And so I felt the pain and sadness that I numbed out back when it happened. I feel like I have been grieving all of it, and for some reason it's just not getting any better. My therapist mentioned how I needed to find a way to move on and let go of that 11 year old girl and grow into my 23 year old self. And then it hit me...the reason why I am scared to move on. I fought back tears as this realization came into my head. I found the courage to tell my therapist what I was thinking. The tears formed behind my eyes as I said..."I'm scared to move on because I feel like that means I am betraying that 11 year old girl." And then I just lost it. All of that pain, sadness, and fear came flooding back. And I just cried. It sucked, but it also felt so good to get that out. My therapist told me how proud she was of me, and how I am doing such hard work. Needless to say, I was drained by the end of the day. I am feeling much better today though.

Yesterday was my last day of working as a diving coach. I am going to miss it, but I am excited for an opportunity that might open up for me this fall. The mom of a family that I coached this summer basically made me an offer to be their full time babysitter when the school year starts. She said that I should think about it and she would be in touch. I really, really hope this works out. This family is so fun! The youngest is 8 years old, and then an 11 year old, and then a 14 year old. They are the nicest family too. I really hope I have the chance to do this!

Well, it's almost 1:30pm and Erin should be here in an hour and a half. I am sooo excited! Too bad I have not finished packing, oops.

Random thoughts

I am too lazy to put the thoughts in my head into an organized paragraph. So I'm going to just do bullet points.

- 4 days until my friend Erin comes to Richmond, and 5 days until we leave for the beach for 8 days.

- 1 week until my 23rd birthday (fuck I feel old)

- I got the iPod touch for my birthday. It's pretty sweet. I wanted an iPhone, but I will settle for this for now.

- This week is super busy. Tomorrow I have...2 practices and then a dietitian appointment. Tuesday I have a dive meet all day and then group at night. Wednesday I am getting a massage in the morning, and then practice and then therapy, and then possible practice again. But after that, I am done with my coaching job for the summer and Erin gets here Thursday!

- It seems I am having an OCD flare-up and I am not liking it one bit. I really feel like I am going crazy. I will email my psychiatrist tomorrow to see what medications need to be adjusted, if any. Because I cannot deal with these obsessive thoughts any longer.

- Country music is awesome.

- My scar on my chest from my cancerous mole removal is slowly fading, although it's still pretty nasty looking. I'm glad I got it removed though, since it turned out it had cancer in it. When I get back from the beach I have to have two more moles on my foot removed.

- Here is what I am looking forward to the most at the beach:
--- walking on the dock. eating at the steam bar on the marina. the sound of waves crashing. walking on the beach at night. blasting country music the whole time. reading as many books as possible. watching my dogs run and swim on the beach. shopping at the boutiques. perfect beach weather. getting a really nice tan. relaxing. not having to work and worrying about weigh ins and the stuff I am dealing with in therapy. climbing the lighthouse. getting to share the beach with my best friend. escaping. riding around in golf carts. chasing down cute boys. going to the alligator look-out. surfing. playing bananagrams. paddle-boarding. sitting poolside with a tropical drink. spending my birthday at the beach.

scream

I am trying so hard to stay composed and peaceful on the inside, but inside I am screaming so loud. I don't know what's wrong, everything feel so wrong. I am so obsessive about everything, the way my clothes fit, the way my hair feels, the way my hands feel, the way the books upstairs are on the bookcase. Like it's just nuts. If I could I would pull all my hair out and jump up and down. Where is this coming from? I have no idea. I'm just about to lose it. I'm smoking cigarettes again, ugh.

I see my dietitian tomorrow. I'm going to look at my weight. I pray to God it hasn't gone up again. I will be sad if it stayed the same, and relieved if it went down..but not down too much. I wish I could just go poof! and accept my body.

My team had a dive meet today. One of my kids hit his back on the board and I jumped in to get him. He was fine. Just a little shaken up. I almost burst into tears myself because I knew how scared he was.

And...I'm just kind of irritated with therapy. It just makes me feel so crappy. I just don't even want to go right now. Maybe I will take a break.

On a very positive note...my very best friend Erin is officially coming to the beach with me and my family!!! SO excited!