suck it, anxiety
quote for the day...
"Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn."
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
creep
I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special
updatee
um. um. um. I don't know what to write. My head is in a clusterfuck! I'm trying to...simplify everything? Maybe it doesn't need to be simple though? It would be easier though. Maybe I just need to grow a pair and plow through all of it. What is IT, you may ask?
- The ED. Damnit just eat Holly! I say this to myself all the fucking time. Anxiety lives in the pit of my stomach though, and I am seriously sometimes not hungry. How do you fight the anxiety, the loss of appetite, and eat anyway? I weighed myself today. Good idea? Probably not. I can usually guess my weight without knowing what it actually is, and I was only a pound off (a pound less). I really think that losing 4-5 pounds would not hurt. Other people disagree.
Oh yeah. 2 months purge free!
-Trauma. Don't really feel like taking about it. But know I need to. I wrote a letter to him the other day. Not a letter to send, just a letter to vent.
-Love. Why does it have to hurt?
- Sleeping problems. Not really new. Just irritating. I need my energy for work, and either sleeping not enough or sleeping too much has started to become really exhausting. Scratch that. It already IS exhausting.
- Goals. I have been challenged by someone to make a specific goal. Definitely a good idea. I just need to follow through. I don't want to dissapoint myself, or others. SO the goal is to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones. to be more specific...try and stop feeling scared of the good and undeserving of it. I'm totally up for it. I keep thinking how amazing I will feel if I reach this goal.
That's all for now, I think.
"Don't be pushed by your problems, be led by your dreams" <--- I love this.
- The ED. Damnit just eat Holly! I say this to myself all the fucking time. Anxiety lives in the pit of my stomach though, and I am seriously sometimes not hungry. How do you fight the anxiety, the loss of appetite, and eat anyway? I weighed myself today. Good idea? Probably not. I can usually guess my weight without knowing what it actually is, and I was only a pound off (a pound less). I really think that losing 4-5 pounds would not hurt. Other people disagree.
Oh yeah. 2 months purge free!
-Trauma. Don't really feel like taking about it. But know I need to. I wrote a letter to him the other day. Not a letter to send, just a letter to vent.
-Love. Why does it have to hurt?
- Sleeping problems. Not really new. Just irritating. I need my energy for work, and either sleeping not enough or sleeping too much has started to become really exhausting. Scratch that. It already IS exhausting.
- Goals. I have been challenged by someone to make a specific goal. Definitely a good idea. I just need to follow through. I don't want to dissapoint myself, or others. SO the goal is to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones. to be more specific...try and stop feeling scared of the good and undeserving of it. I'm totally up for it. I keep thinking how amazing I will feel if I reach this goal.
That's all for now, I think.
"Don't be pushed by your problems, be led by your dreams" <--- I love this.
Friday, August 27, 2010
quotations
You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell
I'd hoped that everything I feel about those day-the shame, the fear-would fade. But it hasn't happened. Instead, the things that I remembered, these little details, seem to grow stronger, to the point where I cam feel their weight in my chest. Nothing, sticks with me more than the memory of that dark room, & how the light then took that nightmare & made it real. - Me
"Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong, and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain." - unknown
I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can’t quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death. --marya hornbacher
He took something from me
I didn't even know that I had
- Ani Difranco-
Peace comes not from the absence of conflict, but from the ability to cope with it.
-unknown
"i understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. and how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you." -the holiday
Sometimes it's better to put love into hugs than to put it into words. ~Author Unknown
You've gotta have hope. Without hope life is meaningless. Without hope life is meaning less and less. ~Author Unknown
"I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." -Twloha
"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty... handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."
-Juno-
"When I was a little girl I used to look out my bedroom window at the caterpillars. I envied them so much because no matter what they were before, what happened to them, they could just hide away and become these beautiful creatures that fly away completely untouched."
-Patch Adams-
Real doesn't happen all at once." said the Skin Horse. "You become, it takes a long time. That's why it doesn't generally happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because when you are Real you can't be ugly...except to people who don't understand"-The Velveteen Rabit
I'd hoped that everything I feel about those day-the shame, the fear-would fade. But it hasn't happened. Instead, the things that I remembered, these little details, seem to grow stronger, to the point where I cam feel their weight in my chest. Nothing, sticks with me more than the memory of that dark room, & how the light then took that nightmare & made it real. - Me
"Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong, and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain." - unknown
I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can’t quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death. --marya hornbacher
He took something from me
I didn't even know that I had
- Ani Difranco-
Peace comes not from the absence of conflict, but from the ability to cope with it.
-unknown
"i understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. and how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you." -the holiday
Sometimes it's better to put love into hugs than to put it into words. ~Author Unknown
You've gotta have hope. Without hope life is meaningless. Without hope life is meaning less and less. ~Author Unknown
"I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." -Twloha
"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty... handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."
-Juno-
"When I was a little girl I used to look out my bedroom window at the caterpillars. I envied them so much because no matter what they were before, what happened to them, they could just hide away and become these beautiful creatures that fly away completely untouched."
-Patch Adams-
Real doesn't happen all at once." said the Skin Horse. "You become, it takes a long time. That's why it doesn't generally happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because when you are Real you can't be ugly...except to people who don't understand"-The Velveteen Rabit
Thursday, August 26, 2010
connection.
Human connection is so important to me. When I've felt so disconnected from myself and the world for so long, it's refreshing and amazing to finally feel connected to someone. I connected with someone tonight. I was vulnerable, said what I felt, what my fears were, what I wanted. And this person...did not scream, did not run away, did not yell at me. Instead, this person listened to me, comforted me, and believed in me. There was a moment during all of this when I thought to myself, "why? am I actually deserving of this? how is he not repulsed by me?" I wanted to pull away, but I just...let go. I let myself feel, and connect. I feel I have a bond with this person, a bond I have never felt before. One of friendship, and closeness....and challenges. My eyes have been opened.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
crush
I've never been in love before, with a person that is. But I think right now I am the closest to being in love that I have ever been. I'm so eager to share it with people, but at the same time, so cautious. This is a very confusing thing for me. For the past several years I have identified myself as a lesbian, however the person I am head over heels for at the moment...is a guy. SO confusing, I know. So am I straight now? or Bi? I don't even know! Ahh!
I never knew there were so many emotions that came along with really liking somebody! It's really intense. The hardest part is, the guy has a girlfriend. A little piece of my heart broke I think...when he told me that. But first and foremost, this guy has become an awesome friend! And I don't want to lose that.
I just got home today from a very relaxing weekend at the river. I went with my parents and their friends and two kids. It sounds boring, but actually was fun. I went tubing (the boat pulling me on a tube going pretty damn fast), took a nap on the hammock. Relaxed in the hot tub. Took boat rides, played with the adorable little kids, and had two days off work!
Today I had 3 full meals. Breakfast, lunch , and dinner. I am feeling very uncomfortable about it and my body image sucks. I know it's a step in the right direction, but I really just feel gross about it right now. My body image has been horrrible lately!
Therapy is this week...got a shit load to talk about. It should be a good and productive session.
So many intense emotions going on. Ahh!
Sorry for the freaking out-ness
I never knew there were so many emotions that came along with really liking somebody! It's really intense. The hardest part is, the guy has a girlfriend. A little piece of my heart broke I think...when he told me that. But first and foremost, this guy has become an awesome friend! And I don't want to lose that.
I just got home today from a very relaxing weekend at the river. I went with my parents and their friends and two kids. It sounds boring, but actually was fun. I went tubing (the boat pulling me on a tube going pretty damn fast), took a nap on the hammock. Relaxed in the hot tub. Took boat rides, played with the adorable little kids, and had two days off work!
Today I had 3 full meals. Breakfast, lunch , and dinner. I am feeling very uncomfortable about it and my body image sucks. I know it's a step in the right direction, but I really just feel gross about it right now. My body image has been horrrible lately!
Therapy is this week...got a shit load to talk about. It should be a good and productive session.
So many intense emotions going on. Ahh!
Sorry for the freaking out-ness
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