now, tell me why

Because we'll be together.

what the hell is wrong with me.

I just got back from the gynecologist. I sobbed through the entire exam. Way to go Holly. I am so embarrassed. My doctor could not have been more supportive and helpful though.
At least I don't have to go back for a year, I hope.

I think I am going to write a lot today.

"Writing is a form of therapy. Sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition."
Graham Greene

On a side note, I recently heard the song "What's my age again" by Blink 182. Haven't heard that in forever. Damn, that song takes me straight back to 4th-5th grade.

quotes that have inspired me lately.

Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.
Marie Curie

There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.
John Lennon

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the willingness to act in spite of it.
Unknown

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
Bill Cosby

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love. Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom. Only the person who risks is truly free.
Leo Buscaglia

Don’t think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It’s self-conscious and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can’t “try” to do things. You simply “must” do things.
Ray Bradbury

To hurt is as human as to breathe.
J.K. Rowling, The Tales of Beedle the Bard

You were like coming up for fresh air. It’s like I was drowning and you saved me.
Grey’s Anatomy

Almost all things in life deal with love, the lack of love, and the desire to be loved.
Paul Julian Banks

You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing.
E.B. White, Charlotte’s Web

Everyone feels that void. Everyone who has the balls to look inside themselves, anyway. It’s what life’s all about, a search.
Tiffanie DeBarto

I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad, or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.
Sylvia Plath


I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question.
Anonymous

You set yourself up for happiness or you set yourself up for sadness. Either way, it’s your doing.
Jill Davis

oh so true.

"Change isn’t easy. Changing the way you live means changing what you believe about life. That’s hard. When we make our own misery, we sometimes cling to it even when we want so bad to change because the misery is something we know. The misery is comfortable."
Dean Koontz

two latest obsessions

Doesn't this make you want to dance?




I cannot wait to see this! I have a slight obsession with ballerinas!

survey

Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?
yes.

Do you think somebody likes the same person you do?
I know so.

How’s your heart?
It's alright.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
Yes.

Do you know anyone that’s married?
Duh.

Where are you going to be at 4:00pm tomorrow?
Work.

Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?
maybe?

Three days in a hotel or NFL game tickets?
NFL tickets.

What do you carry with you at all times?
nothing allll the time.

When your friend is telling you all of their problems - do you truly care?
of course.

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
I hope not.

Have you lost friends in the past 3 years?
yes

Honestly, are you dating 2 people?
no.

So you hate it when people ask questions about the last person you kissed?
whatever.

Do you believe in karma?
Yes.

Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now?
That would be nice.

What is mom saved as on your phone?
Mom

Has anyone told you they don’t wanna ever lose you?
Not that I can recall.

Did you enjoy your last hug?
Yes, very much.

Is sex the most important thing in a relationship?
Don't ask me about those things. I know nothing about them.

Have you ever found it hard to get over someone?
yes.

Do you think your first love affects the way you go on with life?
Yes.

Have you held hands with somebody in the past week?
no.

Say you were given an drug test right now, would you pass?
Nothing illegal would show up.

Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
yes.

What’s currently bothering you right now?
Nothing at the moment.

Who did you last say I love you to?
I don't remember.

If you cheated on your boy/girlfriend, would you fess up?
Yes

Could you ever forgive a cheater?
Yes

Are you dating the last person you kissed?
No

Anyone ever asked you if you were bi polar?
Yes. and No, I'm not.

Do you still talk to the person you fell the hardest for?
Yep.

Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
Haha, definitely.

Do you and your last ex hate each other?
I don't have an ex.

Did the last person you kiss have tattoos?
No

Is the person you last texted single?
Nope

Ever kissed someone who smoked?
No

So, the person you like, their name starts with a B, right?
wrong

You’ve had sex with over 12 people, haven’t you?
Definitely not.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
Probably not.

Do you know how it feels to be cheated on?
No

What would you say if you found out your last ex was in a relationship?
I don't have an ex!

Are any of your friends virgins?
maybe

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
Yes.

Think back to January, who did you like?
Nobody.

What’s the first thing that pops into your head when you think of last summer?
Shitty times.

Anything you’re really afraid of?
pretty much everything.

Compared to this time last year are you happier or sadder?
Happier.

What do you bite on more your tongue lip or nails?
lip and nails.

Would your parents care if you came home at 4 A.M?
I don't live with my parents.

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon?
I hope not.

Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?
Yes.

Say your ex walks up to you and hugs you, what do you say?
!!!

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment?
Nobody has my heart.

Would you prefer being locked in a room with your ex or your worst enemy?
seeing as how I don't have either...

What color shirt are you wearing?
white

What’s the last thing you spent money on?
gatorade.

Have you ever kissed someone who was in a relationship?
Nope.

deep breath

Therapy today, was hard. I revealed something that I have never told anyone before (pertaining to the abuse). I've had it in my memory for months now, but have fought tooth and nail to push it aside. But it has kept popping up. So, I told her, I told my therapist. No details. She asked if I wanted to tell her more about it. I shook my head violently. "That's okay", she said. "Maybe next time". I took a deep breath. Yes, maybe next time. I cannot go backwards now. It's out there. I guess the only way to go now is forwards. I'm glad my therapist is understanding, gentle, and letting me deal with it at my own pace.

It's very difficult to talk about these things with people who have not been through sexual abuse. I don't expect anyone who has not been through it to understand, but I get so frustrated when people say things such as, "Just move on, it's in the past". It's really not that simple. Yes, moving on is what I need to do. But it's not as easy and looking back for one last time and then...it's over and done. Maybe some things are like that, easy to walk away from, or not requiring such effort, time, and hard work. But this is different. I have walked away and moved on from various troubles and bad experiences in my life. Yes, it was hard and took effort. But when something like this happens to you, when someone sexually violates your body, without your consent, without you having any power or control, with you being a CHILD. It's going to take some fucking time. And especially when you didn't talk about it for 10 fucking years, like I did. When I blocked so much of it out, that even today I still do not have all the pieces.

It is painful, terrifying, and so amazingly confusing. To remember something. To put together the pieces that have been broken for so long. Memories are not repressed for no reason. I blocked them out because it was too damn much at the time. Piecing it all back together is a process. This whole healing journey is a process. I have come a long way. There was a time when I had no emotion what-so-over towards what had been done to me. But my emotions have evolved. I've gone from numb to...scared, sad, confused, and now angry. It's a process. If I have learned anything...it's a process.

Sometimes I wish I could tell certain people in my life (family, friends) what happened. I wish I could tell them every intimate detail. But is that necessary? Probably not. I wonder if it would make them understand. Am I bad person for thinking that? At the same time, I want my family and friends to know nothing about it. It's too much for me, so it must be too much for them.

My eyelids are heavy now. Not only due to my sleeping medication, but from the exhaustion this day has brought. Tomorrow is a new day.