Therapy today, was hard. I revealed something that I have never told anyone before (pertaining to the abuse). I've had it in my memory for months now, but have fought tooth and nail to push it aside. But it has kept popping up. So, I told her, I told my therapist. No details. She asked if I wanted to tell her more about it. I shook my head violently. "That's okay", she said. "Maybe next time". I took a deep breath. Yes, maybe next time. I cannot go backwards now. It's out there. I guess the only way to go now is forwards. I'm glad my therapist is understanding, gentle, and letting me deal with it at my own pace.
It's very difficult to talk about these things with people who have not been through sexual abuse. I don't expect anyone who has not been through it to understand, but I get so frustrated when people say things such as, "Just move on, it's in the past". It's really not that simple. Yes, moving on is what I need to do. But it's not as easy and looking back for one last time and then...it's over and done. Maybe some things are like that, easy to walk away from, or not requiring such effort, time, and hard work. But this is different. I have walked away and moved on from various troubles and bad experiences in my life. Yes, it was hard and took effort. But when something like this happens to you, when someone sexually violates your body, without your consent, without you having any power or control, with you being a CHILD. It's going to take some fucking time. And especially when you didn't talk about it for 10 fucking years, like I did. When I blocked so much of it out, that even today I still do not have all the pieces.
It is painful, terrifying, and so amazingly confusing. To remember something. To put together the pieces that have been broken for so long. Memories are not repressed for no reason. I blocked them out because it was too damn much at the time. Piecing it all back together is a process. This whole healing journey is a process. I have come a long way. There was a time when I had no emotion what-so-over towards what had been done to me. But my emotions have evolved. I've gone from numb to...scared, sad, confused, and now angry. It's a process. If I have learned anything...it's a process.
Sometimes I wish I could tell certain people in my life (family, friends) what happened. I wish I could tell them every intimate detail. But is that necessary? Probably not. I wonder if it would make them understand. Am I bad person for thinking that? At the same time, I want my family and friends to know nothing about it. It's too much for me, so it must be too much for them.
My eyelids are heavy now. Not only due to my sleeping medication, but from the exhaustion this day has brought. Tomorrow is a new day.
I'm so sorry you went through that/: I went through something like that, but not as harsh. I know it's really hard to talk about and tell someone, it's just so easy to forget about it and push it in the back of your mind but the hurt is still there. I'm glad your therapist is very understanding though.
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