A change, a loss, and progress.

Something that I've done with my trauma, is numb all of my feelings. For a long time, for years, I just had the memories, and no emotions. Within the past 7 months, I have identified emotions, been able to express them through writing and talking. It's HUGE progress on my part. I didn't think I would ever feel my feeling again. Now, for the first time in a long time I am allowing myself to cry. Giving myself permission. I finally have learned to "let go". 7 months ago I didn't cry. And for the past week, I have been crying most days.

Now most of this is due to the fact that I'm going through a life change. I'm leaving a job that brought me stress, but also brought me joy. My future in terms of work is unknown, which is scary. It's a big loss. I'm still really emotional from my suicide attempt. I am working through trauma, which is proving to be most exhausting. As much as feeling my feelings sucks, it's totally what I need to be doing, and it's also been very healing.

One part of my life that I'm pleased with is my eating disorder recovery. It's still a road of bumps now and then. But, it's crazy how intuitive my eating is. No guilt about food, no obsessions, no fears, no misery. It feels amazing. To just be able to feel free when it comes to food, free from the prison that is anorexia and bulimia. There are still improvements to be made. But I'm happy with my progress. I feel confident in myself and in my recovery. I wish I could tell you what happened to get me to this place of solid recovery. Believe me, I keep asking myself the same question. But I just don't know. I think something in my head just clicked. I got sick and tired of starving myself and obeying ED. I also think that being open and honest in therapy and really processing and dealing with my trauma was HUGE in not using eating disorder behaviors. I finally was ready to deal with everything.

I wish everyone who is struggling with an eating disorder could at this moment feel the same freedom I do. Because it's amazing, especially if you've been in your eating disorder for years (mine has been 10 years). But there's also something about the journey that's really amazing. I'm not sure I would trade it. I've made lifelong friends whom I think of as sisters. I've met so many amazing, loving people.

Just keep going. Don't let ED tie you down from the life you deserve.

Sadness

My sadness is so intense these days. I think the fact that I attempted to end my life 2 weeks ago is mentally exhausting, and my emotions are like all over the pace. I'm really starting to get really sad over losing my job. I will be there until the end of next week. The mom hasn't told the kids anything yet, and probably won't until she finds another nanny. Just thinking about her having that conversation with them (and possibly me being a part of that conversation) breaks my heart. I love those kids so much. And that dog, oh my gosh. I love him so much. I've raised him since he was 11 weeks old, and he's almost a year old. I will always be a part of that family though. I will be able to visit and hang out with them. But it will still be sad not seeing them every day. It's going to be hard.

I'm dealing with a lot of trauma issues lately. It's so intense and so scary. I'm hanging on as best I can. I have the world's most amazing therapist.

Eating has been okay. My appetite has been a little hard to find lately. I eat what I want but, often feel guilty about it. I'm struggling a lot with body image, like so much. I wish I could wear sweatpants all day every day. I really want to start working out but...I guess I'm feel like I won't be able to stop. I've never had a problem with exercise before. But I'm just worried it's something I could become obsessed with.

I don't know what else to say. My mind is blank.

Coming back to life - where I've been

I've been away from blogging for a while. I've had a lot going  on. Last Wednesday, the 9th, I attempted suicide. I took an overdose of sleeping pills, painkillers, and anti-anxiety pills. I realized what I had done and called my mom about 15 minutes after wards. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance, forced to drink an activated charcoal solution in the ER to absorb the pills, was put on oxygen, a heart monitor, pumped with IV fluids, and had tons of blood drawn. I had self-harmed prior to my suicide attempt and my arm was patched up with ointment, and a gauze bandage. About an hour or so later, I was transferred to the psychiatric facility next door. I only spent 48 hours there. The first 24 I mostly slept, sleeping off the medications. My blood work came back with my kidney function impaired, and low liver enzymes. I still don't if there was permanent damage done.

After getting out of the hospital, I moved in with my parents, where I have been since last Friday. It's been really hard. I miss my house, my bed, my room, my privacy. My therapist wants me to stay here until Monday, because she's out of town and wants to make sure I stay safe. My parents joined me in therapy on Monday, and it went okay. They know the full extent of my trauma and how painful and hard it has been and how it's affected me (PTSD, dissocation, etc), yet my mom feels it's okay to question me about it. I'm going nuts.

I'm not feeling depressed anymore, maybe a little bit. But no longer suicidal.  My anxiety is pretty high. I guess that's from living at home and...I went back to work today. I will only be at my babysitting job for 2 more weeks. They have to let me go. I understand their reasons. It's the second time I've been in the hospital in 6 months, they need someone reliable. It makes me sad but at the same time I understand.

So, the next couple of months I will just be taking it slow. I will continue to work at the restaurant, and look for a volunteering job.

I feel incredibly regretful for what I did. But I also have made the decision to live, I realize I don't want to die. I reached the ultimate rock bottom with my depression, anxiety, and PTSD. It can only go up from here.

My faith is as strong as ever. I am clinging to God these days, for strength, wisdom, forgiveness, and hope. He makes all things new.

I used to be pretty incapable of taking care of myself. I think I'm finally doing a pretty good job of it though. It's taking time and a lot of hard work, and I'm not perfect at it. I'm becoming more and more normalized with my eating. I saw my dietitian last night and she said that my eating for the past week was normal! She was so shocked (and honestly so was I). I don't really know what changed. I guess I just felt more hungry. It helps when I have an appetite. I had a big freak out last week because my dietitian weighed me and I found out I had gained xlbs over the holidays. People kept telling me it's normal to gain weight over the holidays, but it's never been normal for me. I've always been sick during Christmas. I was so upset over the weight gain. I didn't even care that my dietitian said that all of my numbers were right where they should be. I just felt huge and fat and disgusting. And I still do. But I accept that fact that probably the reason why I gained weight over the holidays was because I was screwing up my metabolism by skipping meals. So I guess that motivated me to start eating normally, and that's what I've been doing.

There are other ways I've been taking care of myself. Even though there are times when I still feel REALLY guilty for reaching out for help, I have been doing it more. I've been in close contact with my treatment team during this past few weeks, while things have been really tough. I'm trying to see if a medication change will help. I'm working on my eating. And I'm allowing myself to be more vulnerable in therapy. My therapist mentioned possibly telling my mom about my trauma history, as she knows very, very little. At first I said NO WAY. But now I'm actually thinking about doing it, only of course if my therapist is there. And she says she absolutely agrees that she should be there. I have therapy tomorrow and I think we are going to discuss it more then.

Other ways I am taking part in self-care is going to sleep earlier, aromatherapy, distraction, and asking for what I need.

I'm still having a rough go with depression. I think maybe it's a little less intense, maybe not so much suicidal ideation going on. It's still something that needs to be watched, however. I have good moments and bad moments. I had a really powerful experience a couple weekends ago. I went to the Saturday evening service at my church. I go alone, I always have. For some reason, I wanted to walk out in the middle of the service. I just didn't feel connected to God or to any of the music or the message that night. I stuck it out though. And at the end of the service, the pastor got up and said if anyone wanted to be prayed for, to approach him afterwards. Something just pulled me over there. And I admitted that I was struggling with a severe depression, and he prayed for me. It was what I needed. I felt God and His presence. Part of the message of the sermon that night was, "God makes the impossible possible." I keep thinking about that.
I've always felt it was impossible to recover from my eating disorder and to heal from all of my trauma. Maybe it's not impossible though. Maybe I can get to a place where I will be okay.

I'm also having a super tough time with PTSD and other trauma issues. Next week is the 2 year anniversary of my rape. I'm growing increasingly anxious about it. Last year on the first anniversary, I took the day off of work and medicated myself and slept all day. This year, I am making it a two day event. On Monday I am walking the labyrinth with my therapist. I did this last summer as a part of the eating disorder group I did, and it was a very powerful experience. On Tuesday, my therapist and I are going to a park near her office and I'm bringing a balloon and she's bringing a sharpie. And I'm going to write on the balloon everything about that night that I want to let go of and release. Then, I'm going to let the balloon go. I'm glad I will have extra support on those two days.

I'm back to my normal work schedule this week. I'm already exhausted. I'm counting down the days to Spring Break already.

As always, taking it day by day, hour by hour.

A look back on 2012

hopeless

I haven't been this depressed since July, when I was in the hospital for my depression and suicide plans. I guess what's different is that I have no active plans to kill myself. Part of me wishes I had the guts to do it. It's like I'm miserably stuck in both places, wanting to live and wanting to die. It's a place that's all too familiar.

But I feel very frustrated and irritable. I have no motivation to change things. Even though I'm the loneliest I've ever been, the thought of going out and being more social is unappealing to me and is quite frankly terrifying and depressing. I don't feel needed, by anyone. I stayed alive over the summer because of the family I nanny for. Yes, they need me. I am their babysitter and I have been by a couple different people that if I ever hurt myself, they would be devastated. I know they would. And I'm a horrible person for believe that that isn't enough to keep on going. How selfish of me.

I'm taking my medication, which is something new I'm trying. I'm not convinced it's working. But I take it to put my treatment team at ease. I'm very scared of ending back up in the hospital. It's not some place I want to be. It's cold, sterile, depressing and causes more problems. I keep trying to make myself believe that things will get better. But, it's just not happening. I keep thinking...either I'm going to end up in the hospital again, or I'm going to die.

My parents have no clue what is going on. Maybe my mom suspects something, but I just don't want to explain it. If I were to be admitted to the hospital, they would freak out. I think they would be angry that they didn't know that I was having such a hard time. I'm stressing over the fact that they have a right to know, but not wanting to burden them...as I have done for years.

Even though I'm unmotivated, I'm desperate to see and talk to my therapist, who has been out of the office. She always helps me to get back on track. I need her help. I can't seem to help myself these days. I'm not even really eating, now that I think about it. I just don't think about it. I just lay in bed all day.

I would love nothing more than to take back my hope, to feel joy, to come out of the depths of this depression, to thrive, and not just survive. I really want that for myself. The problem is, I don't think I'm capable of it. I don't think that I'm worthy. I don't think it's in my future plans.

Trauma issues are very present and a roadblock to feeling safe again. I've had intense flashbacks, nightmares, and overwhelming emotions. I don't feel like going into it. A big anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. I'm beyond anxious for it.

My memory is terrible. I literally feel like I'm losing my mind.  I wonder if it's an effect of the trauma. I have no idea. I just want to feel like I know what's going on around me.

I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I have the worst panic feeling in my chest. Depression is making me sick. I'm really, really scared of going back to work on Monday. I can't even imagine how I'm going to deal with it. Here comes that panic feeling in my chest again.

I'm not sure what to do. I see my therapist on Wednesday. I wish it would hurry up. I'm hanging on by a thread.

I survived the holidays (so far)

This is my least favorite time of year. I used to love Christmas as a kid, but as I've grown older, it's been tainted with memories of hospitalizations, treatment center stays, deep depression, and traumatic events. I survived this year. I think it really helped being off of work this week. I have been able to relax, which is something I haven't done in many months. My parent's held a Christmas Eve party at their house with close friends and family, and then turned out to be okay I guess. Christmas morning and opening presents was enjoyable as well, and then I just napped/relaxed the rest of the day.

My therapist is out of the office this week and won't be back until next Wednesday. I was freaking out a lot about her being gone and was scared I wouldn't be able to handle it. So, I told her exactly that, and she was very supportive and reassuring. During our session last week, she called another therapist in her office (that was actually the clinical director at RR East when I was there) and he agreed to see me this week just so I can have someone to check in with. That eased my fears a lot. It's been so busy with shopping, parties, gifts, etc the past few days that I haven't had much time to think of anything else. Which is good I guess. I did end up sobbing in my childhood bedroom on Christmas Day. I felt so full of sadness, over so many things. It was so overwhelming and lonely. Now I feel depressed and anxious, and mostly full of fear.

I saw my psychiatrist today, which was good to have his support as well. He convinced me to talk to my therapist about some things I want to try in therapy. I don't know why I'm scared to talk to her about it. Actually, I think I'm scared to talk to her about it because I'm scared she will leave me in some way, shape, or form...just like everyone else. But, I can't wait to see her next week and be open and honest with her.

I'm so worried about going back to work next week. I just don't want to. It stresses me out SO much. It often feels like it's slowly killing me, or making me want to kill myself. I'm really unhappy, which really isn't anything new. But it feels more paralyzing by the day.

It feels like a hopeless situation.