I survived the holidays (so far)

This is my least favorite time of year. I used to love Christmas as a kid, but as I've grown older, it's been tainted with memories of hospitalizations, treatment center stays, deep depression, and traumatic events. I survived this year. I think it really helped being off of work this week. I have been able to relax, which is something I haven't done in many months. My parent's held a Christmas Eve party at their house with close friends and family, and then turned out to be okay I guess. Christmas morning and opening presents was enjoyable as well, and then I just napped/relaxed the rest of the day.

My therapist is out of the office this week and won't be back until next Wednesday. I was freaking out a lot about her being gone and was scared I wouldn't be able to handle it. So, I told her exactly that, and she was very supportive and reassuring. During our session last week, she called another therapist in her office (that was actually the clinical director at RR East when I was there) and he agreed to see me this week just so I can have someone to check in with. That eased my fears a lot. It's been so busy with shopping, parties, gifts, etc the past few days that I haven't had much time to think of anything else. Which is good I guess. I did end up sobbing in my childhood bedroom on Christmas Day. I felt so full of sadness, over so many things. It was so overwhelming and lonely. Now I feel depressed and anxious, and mostly full of fear.

I saw my psychiatrist today, which was good to have his support as well. He convinced me to talk to my therapist about some things I want to try in therapy. I don't know why I'm scared to talk to her about it. Actually, I think I'm scared to talk to her about it because I'm scared she will leave me in some way, shape, or form...just like everyone else. But, I can't wait to see her next week and be open and honest with her.

I'm so worried about going back to work next week. I just don't want to. It stresses me out SO much. It often feels like it's slowly killing me, or making me want to kill myself. I'm really unhappy, which really isn't anything new. But it feels more paralyzing by the day.

It feels like a hopeless situation.

If I just...breathe

I feel like I've packed a week into the past 3 days. I've had so many appointments, work obligations, and errands to run. For the most part my appointments have gone really well. My doctor appointment on Monday that my therapist came with me too was really difficult, but it went well at the same time. I'm just glad it's over and hopefully I won't have to go back for another year (crosses fingers). It was just really scary and made everything that's happened to me a bigger reality than it already is. I honestly could not have gotten through that appointment without having my therapist there. She helped slow down my breathing before, during, and after the exam. She told me proud she was of me, and how much she felt honored that I asked her to come with me.

I saw my dietitian Monday night for the first time in a few weeks. It went really, really well. My dietitian was just so happy with how I've been doing and so excited. Even though I see her again in two weeks, I think I will be able to cut back to possible every 3 weeks. I know I'm still kind of fragile with recovery, and no, not everything is all better. But, I feel like I know what I need to do now and feel like I'm making healthy choices and following my hunger cues (which is HUGE for me!)
Before I committed to recovery this time around, every time I read someone's blog or Facebook status or a book about how great recovery felt to them and how much better life was, I rolled my eyes. Everyone just said the same thing about it. And I was so terrified of recovery. And honestly, I now understand what they were saying about recovery. And, it's going to continue to get better for me, which fills me with so much hope. People who didn't understand eating disorders always used to say to me, "You have to choose to live!" And I feel like I was making that choice, but I didn't know if I could actually do it. Recovery from an eating disorder is so much more than, breakfast, lunch and dinner and a snack, oh and weight gain supplements if you need them and healthy exercise. I mean, there are layers and layers to all of those things that no one could possibly understand if you didn't have an eating disorder.
I don't think I made the choice this time around to finally give recovery my all. I think it just naturally came when I started to be completely open in therapy. I think all the bottled up emotions and memories were released and I didn't have to pretend anymore. I didn't have to hide. But I do make the choice day in and day out to eat, even when I'm anxious or nauseous or upset about something. And I'm not perfect about it. I do have my slips still. But I cannot even begin to explain the huge weight I have felt lifted off of my shoulders.

I saw my therapist this morning. It was a tough appointment. We talked a lot about family dynamics, which is honestly my least favorite topic of all time. Anyway, I don't feel comfortable explaining all of it in my blog because I don't want to bash my family on the internet, but my therapist told me to read "The Dance of Anger".  I've already bought it and started reading it.

I'm excited for Thanksgiving tomorrow, mainly just the food part. Not too excited about spending time with family, but it is what it is.

I also saw my psychiatrist today. And I told him that I know this Winter is going to be really tough on me because of the weather, depression, and anniversaries. I said I just want to make it through this season without be hospitalized. He said that was a good goal. I really hope I can do it.

Just gotta survive until March, and then I can breathe again.

depleted

I feel like all life and positive energy has been drained from me. I really don't know how I have made it through this week without melting down...oh wait...I had a major meltdown on Wednesday that required an emergency phone call to my psychiatrist and my therapist and I had to leave work early. So, no...I'm really not handling things well.

I'm depressed. Not in a scary way, but it could definitely be headed in that direction. I get home from work at the end of the day and barely have enough energy to wash my face. I lay on my bed and can barely move my limbs because every part of me is physically and emotionally exhausted. I haven't been very mindful of my eating, actually I haven't been very mindful in any way.

I see my primary care doctor tomorrow morning. I haven't seen her since March. Since my last visit with her, I have relapsed with my ED, spent 6 days in a psychiatric hospital for being suicidal, almost went back to treatment, injured my shoulder (which probably wouldn't have happened if I had been eating), spent a night in the ER due to dehydration and electrolyte imbalance, and now I'm in a state of constant stress and depression. My doctor is very caring and supportive, but needless to say, tomorrow's appointment should be interesting.
I will insist that the nurse does not tell me my weight (although she will probably forget and put it on my checkout sheet). Whatever.

So, I'm not doing so well. I'm not sure how to really turn it around. I feel like my job is a big part of the problem. I have been reaching out for support from my treatment team though, which I am proud of myself for. I'm desperate to talk to my therapist and can't wait until our session on Tuesday. She's on vacation right now, so there's no way to talk to her.

I'm just really exhausted. 

all over the place

I'm not anxious. I'm stressed. There is a difference, at least for me there is.

My job is completely stressing me out to the point of tears and complete exhaustion. It is draining me. I have no idea what to do. I don't want to quit. I don't want to say much more about it because I don't want my employer to somehow find this blog post.

I've been so stressed that I have been clenching my jaw, and grinding my teeth. My teeth and jaw ache so much. It's really painful and makes me more stressed out.

I literally slept all weekend. I'm pretty sure I was depressed, mostly from my job and just wanting to avoid trauma stuff.

I'm sick of...eating disorders. Besides my treatment team, and the close friends that I have who struggle...I want nothing to do with eating disorders. I am going to the NEDA Walk in Charlottesville next weekend because one of my best friends Michelle is going to be there. But I can't stand freaking ED's. When leaving my dietitian's office tonight, there was a super, super skinny and emaciated girl in the waiting room and yes, I did compare myself. I still struggle with that a lot. Even though I know that girl is probably miserable and drained of life. I just hate it. I hate eating disorders. They are competitive and annoying and selfish and stupid.
I want to eat normally (like I've been starting to do) and not feel guilty and like a failure for doing so, even though it excites my dietitian soooo much that I ate a cheeseburger and french fries last week.  Which I'm pretty proud of too.

I don't want to sleep away my weekends because I have NOTHING else to look forward to. I don't have any money to spend on myself (it all goes to bills and rent). I don't have any friends here. I don't have a boyfriend. I look forward to sleeping away my weekends. And I know that's not normal or healthy.

Can I just wake up tomorrow and be like everyone else who DOESN'T have an eating disorder? I can deal with all the other stuff, just not the stupid ED.

Baby steps

Geez, is tomorrow really Thursday already? This week has flown by. And I'm like not even sure how to evaluate how this week has gone so far.

I think as far as food goes, I have done pretty well. Maybe not as well as last week, but nothing significantly worse either. I have had breakfast every morning (still in love with greek yogurt with fruit). I have had lunch every day too, as well as dinner. But, my appetite has decreased a lot and it has made eating very difficult. At times it feels physically impossible to take another bite. I'm not sure why my appetite has gone away so much, it could just be stress.

Which leads me to my next paragraph. Stress. This week has just been so stressful. I just feel like I have so many things to do, and not enough time. I work all day and by the end of the day I just want to crawl in bed, but I have to go to the bank and the grocery store and the bookstore and my parent's house and I have to exercise and do laundry and clean and write emails and make phone calls. I've been very on edge and bitchy. And then I feel really overwhelmed with everything, and that brings on lots of urges to b/p. But I haven't! Which is what is important. And it's good that I can recognize what makes me have those urges and be able to stop myself from acting out.

I've really been upping my game on the positive self-talk, which is something my therapist is always urging me to do. My face is breaking out right now, and most of today I would look in the mirror and just feel disgusted, but I had my moments today when I looked in the mirror and I said to myself, I am beautiful. It helps! It's not a fix, but I think if I keep it up then maybe I will start to believe it! I ordered a body image workbook on Amazon that my therapist and dietitian told me about, hopefully that will help too!

I am really excited because....I signed up for an eating disorder awareness walk next weekend. And my two (maybe 3) best friends from Remuda are coming too! The woman who I heard speak at the event last week will be speaking at this walk too so I'm excited to catch up with her! I've never done an ED walk before so I'm excited for this.

Well, I have therapy tomorrow and my dietitian on Friday so I will check back in on Friday or Saturday and update then!