past

often wonder if writing is more helpful or harmful. Lately I feel like it makes things worse. I know it's supposed to help you think about things more, but right now all I want to do is numb it all. But for now I am going to continue to write. The stress of the situation of what had been going on at work has died down, now that it seems to be under control and fixed.
But it brought back memories and flashbacks from the past. I think back to that time a lot...when I was 11, the spring of 5th grade year. So much happened in such a short period of time. Losing gymnastics, which was my world, the reason of my existence, the only life I knew. And the abuse that at the time I didn't even realize what it was or why. And then changing schools, losing my grandmother, and starting puberty. The word that comes to mind when I was 11 - 12 is traumatic. It's no wonder I have so many PTSD issues, not just with abuse shit. And I just think about how alone I was during that time and how incredibly devastated I was. And I have that same feeling now. It's obviously different now because I am 10 years older and in control and have power. But I still feel the way I felt at 11, and it's scary and sad and painful. I had taken a break from dealing with all the past stuff in therapy because of the stress of my new job, but when a certain situation happened at work, everything came flooding back. And it's so intense. My therapist says the flashbacks will pass and the feeling of crisis will pass, which it does. But it comes back to bite me in the ass a few times during the day. I am heavily relying on my therapist and Xanax right now. I almost feel overly medicated. I'm pretty sure I was high on Xanax yesterday. I have been texting or emailing my therapist everyday it seems. And I worry so much that I am bothering her. But at the same time, her un-wavering support is more than I could have ever asked for. And I would be a puddle on the floor without her. I know I have to begin to rely on myself, but it feels like too much to do it all by myself right now. I still need to be reminded to take deep breaths and take care of myself nicely and not use harmful coping skills. While the crying is not as intense or frequent, it is still there. When I told my therapist I just wanted to cut myself to numb all my feelings, she obviously said not to do that, but more importantly she said to just let myself feel what I am feeling. I guess that is only natural. After having such an unhealthy attachment to my previous therapist and being afraid to let my current therapist in, I finally feel like I have let down that wall and have been vulnerable with her (as scary as it has been). She hasn't left me and has not given up. Bless her for that. What I would do without her, I do not know.
My depression is pretty bad right now, but I know it's mostly situational. And I hope in a few weeks things will start to even out and get better.

Like my therapist says...Deep Breaths.