ramblings

Things are starting to get a little better. Maybe it's the Abilify helping, maybe it's just time that has helped. Although, my anxiety has been horrible today.

I finally got my car back after not having it for 2 weeks. A new engine and radiator was put in, it cost a boat load of money. But my car is fixed and I have it back, thank god.

I have to admit this, I had a slip up with my eating disorder this week. I purged. And I'm ashamed and feel badly that I did it. I'm not even quite sure why I did it. But I haven't done it since, so I guess that's good. I also really need for my appetite to come back. I know my anxiety and depression has caused it to go away, but I really need energy for my job and not feeling hungry is just making things worse for me.

I've had a lot of weirdo dreams lately, some nightmares, but not about past stuff. But I wake up and wonder, was that a dream or did that really happen? I hate that. I get so confused.
I have noticed that I am still dissociating. I will catch myself doing it and pinch my hand to snap back. It's hard though. I just zone out without realizing it. Sometimes I zone out and it's like nothing is there, my mind is blank. It's like I dissapear for a little bit. And then sometimes I zone out and I think about all this different shit.

Therapy went well yesterday. We mostly talked about the stuff at work, eating disorder stuff, and finding ways to make my life more fun. I didn't want to leave therapy . Therapy is safe, everywhere else is not right now. My therapist said..."your eating disorder is creeping back into your life right now, which is understandable". Why it's creeping back in, all the stress. I just need to deal with the stress in the right way. And not use the ED.

Although it might not sound like it sometimes, I really want freedom from my ED. I know it will take a lot of hard work to get there. I spent 4 1/2 months at Remuda Ranch when I was 15 and felt freedom when I left that program, so I know it's possible to find it and to have it stay. I constantly look for supportive and inspiring people in my journey of recovery, and I have definitely found that in Shelly and her FREAKED - Adventures of an Agoraphob blog. Thanks Shelly!

Well I had a long hard day at work, and have to be at work at 8am tomorrow. So I am going to relax, watch a movie, and go to bed soon.

More later, of course.