Fear

I had therapy today. The first half of the session went really well. We talked about all sorts of different things. And then we talked about my anxiety and ways that I can lower it and make it better, without hurting myself to make it better (so hard!) And then we touched a little bit on the abuse. She said we could talk about it for 10 minutes to see how it went. I did not like it at all. It was very hard and very scary and my eyes started filling with tears, although I didn't actually cry. I stopped myself, I hate that I do that. I told her I didn't like it and didn't really want to talk about it anymore, but that I was scared of it going away and not being able to bring it back up again. But that doing that would be so much easier. After all, I kept it locked away for 9 years. She said we could try talking about it again next week, or not...depending on how I felt about it. And that she wouldn't let me hide it away again. And that if I wanted her to, I could let her know that I needed her to push me about it, gently of course.

So, now I'm feeling kind of shaky and teary. I don't want to cry though. I just want to feel normal. It's funny how for so much of my life I wasn't able to cry and was always longing to cry, and now that I can and do, I don't want to...I hate it...most of the time.

I'm not sure how I feel about talking about the abuse again. On one hand, I want to...I want to heal and I want to get it over with, and I want to stop ignoring it. But on the other hand, I want desperately to forget about it, and it absolutely terrifies me to talk about it, even in therapy where I'm safe. But I have been so triggered by certain things lately and it's all on the surface again. And that horrible fear is back. I hate it. I need to start working on getting rid of that, or at least making it better and more tolerable.

Work last night was crazy, I got cussed at by a customer (what a douche) and it was crazy busy. I was so exhausted by the end of the night. I had the day off today and I work tomorrow 8am-3pm. Not looking forward to that at all.

*sigh* I feel as though so much is going on. I want/need therapy everyday.

I started tearing up a little bit in our session today because she was being so nice and so supportive and understanding and I kept thinking..."gosh she is so great, how do i deserve this? I don't feel I deserve this" I didn't say that to her...maybe I should. I don't know.

Well off to play with the puppies!