Defeated

I had the following conversation in my head tonight. Well, it's not really a conversation, as it was completely one sided. I guess this is just the way I'm feeling these days.

I'm so tired. I'm so miserable. I'm so unhappy. My life is so messed up. I am miserable at my jobs, just so depressed. While I am eating like a semi-normal person and I don't have eating disordered thoughts, I stress out about money every day. It takes too much energy sometimes for me to clean my room, take a shower, or do laundry. Waking up in the morning I immediately look forward to getting off work so I can get back into m bed. My family drives me absolutely insane. And I'm still the person I've always been to them. Different, annoying, weird, exhausting. I have no local friends. I never go out. I go to work, and come home. That's it. I don't have enough money to spend on myself. I don't even having enough money to buy my friends and family Christmas presents. I hate the cold weather more than anything and the upcoming holidays aren't doing a damn thing to help my depression. I'm as lonely as I've ever been, I think. I wish my best friends Ashley and Michelle lived closer to me. I'm doing the hardest, most draining and exhausting work of my life in therapy processing my trauma. I'm so pissed off because I never wanted those things to happen to me. I never asked to be sexually assaulted. I didn't choose those things. I NEVER really had a chance in this world, not for a happy life. I've never been happy. It's always been taken away or damaged.
I WANT to live. I want to have that chance. I want to be happy. I feel like somewhere deep inside me, I believe that I am somehow supposed to be, and that I'm not supposed to be this dried up, pathetic, 24 year old nothing, who has never accomplished anything in her life. I really want to live. If I took my own life, I KNOW people would be sad and miss me, especially certain ones I think about quite often. I would never, ever want to hurt them or disappoint them. And, I would never want to leave them. My treatment team, my two best friends, my second mom, the family I babysit for, Sophie, Grady, and my roommate. I never, ever want to hurt them. It breaks my heart to think of them being so sad. So I really do want to live, but I CANNOT see myself as happy, at peace, or full of life. I am exhausted of the same old shit in my life that goes as far back as I can remember. I've always felt differently, acted differently, suffered differently.
I cannot believe that there is better for me out there, that it's going to happen for me.
I am not suicidal, even though this post may suggest otherwise. I am just hopeless. I'm exhausted.

I have therapy in the morning. I am going to say all of this. I don't want to end back up in the hospital and I don't want to be suicidal. I need to know how to be more than all of this.