Does anyone even read my shitty writing anymore? I'll keep blogging no matter what, I think. It helps.
I hope I don't jinx myself by writing this post.
What's really amazing is...feeling hopeful. Today I felt hopeful, like really hopeful, for the first time in months. I felt like, "oh my gosh, even though I don't see the end in sight, I totally feel like I will be okay in time". It was pretty powerful and emotional. And today for the first time in...gosh, probably years, I had energy. I wasn't tired. It's crazy!!! I had a really amazing therapy session this morning. And let me just say, my therapist is fucking awesome, and I totally wish she could move in with me. I left therapy feeling hopeful and energized and lighter. I told her about how at the doctor's last week, I saw my weight for the first time in a few months. And that I felt content with the number I saw, which was a healthy number. She got so excited and lit a candle for me to celebrate that huge milestone. I was talking to her about my appearance pre-Remuda 2011 and how I didn't realize how sick I had gotten, and that looking back now I can see how frail and close to dying I was. She said, "I can't even imagine what you looked like. It makes my heart hurt just thinking about it. But look at you now...You are beautiful." I smile just typing that out.
After therapy, it was off to work until 6:30pm. Work flew by without any major stress. I ended up dyeing my hair dark brown/almost black. I really love it, even though people tell me they can't notice a difference (which is kind of an insult to me). I wanted to change my hair color because I feel like my heart and my soul is going through a change also these days. I tend to be very symbolic.
I got home a couple hours ago, and felt tired and anxious for my drive up to Charlottesville for the NEDA walk tomorrow morning. I opened up an email from my therapist, in which she had written a reply to an email I had written her earlier today about how glad I was that I came to my appointment today. She responded with, "I'm glad too. You did a great job. You are working so hard and I'm glad you can feel the progress."
I guess I started to get a little bit sad because, well I'm still not really sure why. But I guess I felt a little bit guilty for having such a good day, when I have been so entrenched in my trauma lately. And so then I just got really overwhelmed and alone and I felt like I could cry my brains out and probably should, but there is something going on subconsciously with me, that I won't let myself cry. It totally sucks. Luckily I had a friend talk me through it.
Anyway, I'm just...really proud of myself for working so hard. It's not that I HAVEN'T worked hard all of these years, but I've just been extra brave and extra hardworking with the help of my amazing therapist.
i'm proud of you too! i'm seriously smilling so big reading this (and yes, i do still read your blog - which is never "shitty writing") thanks for sharing this - it's really encouraging.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog all the time but don't comment frequently. I am inspired by your courage. I remember being immersed in my trauma work. I remember how much worse it got when I really started the hard processing. And I remember the day when I realized it was finally getting a little easier, even though I was still dealing with some heavy stuff. Now, nearly three years into the process, I still have some bad days but mostly, my trauma is just another memory, rather than something that I relive every day. It is possible, and I truly feel you are also on your way to achieving this.
ReplyDeleteHope is amazing, and even if you don't feel as hopeful tomorrow or the next day, you now know that feeling that way is possible.