Grieving

I had a really good, really intense, really thought provoking conversation with a new friend today. While I posted in my blog about a month ago how I didn't want to write about my trauma...I think I need to. Not in detail, not the specific memories or abusers, but my feelings. After all, that's what I'm kind of trying to process these days...the feelings, and the grief.

I'm letting a few tears out while I write this. It scares me to let it all out, especially sitting here alone on my bed. I know it would be better to let it all out, but I just don't want to hurt anymore. I've never been in so much emotional pain and distress in my life. During all of the abuse I endured, I dissociated, made myself go numb, and even in some instances blocked out the whole experience. And now I'm thawing. I know I have to feel it, to get through it. It just feels like it won't ever stop. People tell me, "You are going to be okay."
It's just hard to believe that when there is so much pain.

I often times curl up into a ball on my bed and wrap a blanket around myself, put on a song I listened to with my therapist once that now reminds me of her presence, and pretend someone is holding me, and that it's okay to hurt.

The pain can be paralyzing, the grief overwhelming, and the loneliness unbearable. Sometimes I just have to make myself sit with the grief and let it wash over me. Sometimes I let myself cry, even though I really don't know why I'm crying, just that there's an ache inside me to feel safe.

I used to let the eating disorder consume my mind, whether I was struggling or doing well. It was such a easy thing to let my mind wander to. These days my thoughts, feelings, and dreams consist of trauma. It's not a bad thing. It's not...hurting me or destroying me. It's just...so much.

My eyes are getting sleepy now. There's really no reason why I should be tired, since I slept most of the day. But I think my brain is tired.

Grieving is exhausting.