Super Anxious

I have to write a blog about what's going on tomorrow, among other things. I am super anxious and flipping out about it. I should probably just go to bed, since I have to be up at 8am anyway.

So, tomorrow I have my annual gynecologist appointment. Shouldn't be such a big deal, but since I have a history of trauma, it's kind of really scary. My therapist is coming with me. Yeah, that might sound awkward, and it kind of feels that way. But in all honesty, I am so glad she will be there to help me through it, lead me through visualizations and deep breathing.
I guess what I'm scared of the most is some of the questions I have to ask my doctor. I feel stupid for needing/wanting to ask them, but at the same time...it's better to be safe than sorry, right?

I graduated from my eating disorders support group on Friday night. It was, surreal. I'm glad that my ED is no longer a huge weight on my shoulders, as I am already going through so much already. Each member of the group gave me affirmations and it was really cool to hear what they think of me. It made me feel pretty special. No, I am not recovered. I'm not sure what that word means or looks like. I do know that I have other things to work on with my ED recovery. Eating breakfast, no more restricting, eating through the anxiety, and a couple of other things. But it doesn't feel like this terrible disease inside me anymore. It's manageable . I see my dietitian tomorrow. I'm a little anxious as to how that will go. Sometimes I think I am doing great with food, and then she asks what I've been eating and she tells me how it's not enough. I have been really anxious lately, so eating has been difficult, but not impossible.

Depression continues to be a struggle. Of course, some days are better than others. Sometimes I question how I make it through day to day. I guess I just survive, that's all I can do.

I'm feeling, very very lonely. I don't think I've gone out with a friend in a couple of months. It just makes me sad. I think I'm too depressed to try and go out and do things, unless I HAVE to do them. Please oh please, I hope I make it through this Winter without being hospitalized.

Bah humbug.