Hurting So Much

I am hurting so much these days. I feel so, so much sadness, grief, pain, fear, etc about my traumas. It literally makes me heart ache. I feel it in my chest and in my stomach. Sometimes I just want to scream. I love to write, it's one of my favorite coping skills. But lately that's been too hard because it makes me think about the pain. And I just want it to go away. It feels like it will never stop coming.

Flashbacks are becoming more frequent lately. I'm not sure why, maybe because Winter is when some of the trauma happened. I feel triggered by the smallest things, and it sends me into panic mode. I have had nightmares two nights in a row and it's left me almost non-functional.

I asked my therapist if we could increase our sessions to twice a week, and she is on board with that. So that helped me feel some relief. But it still hurts so much. I never knew it was possible to feel so much pain.

I'm so scared of everything. I wish I could build a bubble around myself and not be in touch with reality.

I cried a little bit about my trauma last night. But not much, because it felt scary and I was alone and I don't want to be alone with those emotions. Night time is the hardest and I have trouble relaxing.

I know I'm not alone, but I'm lonely. I just want someone to wrap me up in their arms and hold me tight until the pain goes away.