A look back on 2012

hopeless

I haven't been this depressed since July, when I was in the hospital for my depression and suicide plans. I guess what's different is that I have no active plans to kill myself. Part of me wishes I had the guts to do it. It's like I'm miserably stuck in both places, wanting to live and wanting to die. It's a place that's all too familiar.

But I feel very frustrated and irritable. I have no motivation to change things. Even though I'm the loneliest I've ever been, the thought of going out and being more social is unappealing to me and is quite frankly terrifying and depressing. I don't feel needed, by anyone. I stayed alive over the summer because of the family I nanny for. Yes, they need me. I am their babysitter and I have been by a couple different people that if I ever hurt myself, they would be devastated. I know they would. And I'm a horrible person for believe that that isn't enough to keep on going. How selfish of me.

I'm taking my medication, which is something new I'm trying. I'm not convinced it's working. But I take it to put my treatment team at ease. I'm very scared of ending back up in the hospital. It's not some place I want to be. It's cold, sterile, depressing and causes more problems. I keep trying to make myself believe that things will get better. But, it's just not happening. I keep thinking...either I'm going to end up in the hospital again, or I'm going to die.

My parents have no clue what is going on. Maybe my mom suspects something, but I just don't want to explain it. If I were to be admitted to the hospital, they would freak out. I think they would be angry that they didn't know that I was having such a hard time. I'm stressing over the fact that they have a right to know, but not wanting to burden them...as I have done for years.

Even though I'm unmotivated, I'm desperate to see and talk to my therapist, who has been out of the office. She always helps me to get back on track. I need her help. I can't seem to help myself these days. I'm not even really eating, now that I think about it. I just don't think about it. I just lay in bed all day.

I would love nothing more than to take back my hope, to feel joy, to come out of the depths of this depression, to thrive, and not just survive. I really want that for myself. The problem is, I don't think I'm capable of it. I don't think that I'm worthy. I don't think it's in my future plans.

Trauma issues are very present and a roadblock to feeling safe again. I've had intense flashbacks, nightmares, and overwhelming emotions. I don't feel like going into it. A big anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. I'm beyond anxious for it.

My memory is terrible. I literally feel like I'm losing my mind.  I wonder if it's an effect of the trauma. I have no idea. I just want to feel like I know what's going on around me.

I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I have the worst panic feeling in my chest. Depression is making me sick. I'm really, really scared of going back to work on Monday. I can't even imagine how I'm going to deal with it. Here comes that panic feeling in my chest again.

I'm not sure what to do. I see my therapist on Wednesday. I wish it would hurry up. I'm hanging on by a thread.

I survived the holidays (so far)

This is my least favorite time of year. I used to love Christmas as a kid, but as I've grown older, it's been tainted with memories of hospitalizations, treatment center stays, deep depression, and traumatic events. I survived this year. I think it really helped being off of work this week. I have been able to relax, which is something I haven't done in many months. My parent's held a Christmas Eve party at their house with close friends and family, and then turned out to be okay I guess. Christmas morning and opening presents was enjoyable as well, and then I just napped/relaxed the rest of the day.

My therapist is out of the office this week and won't be back until next Wednesday. I was freaking out a lot about her being gone and was scared I wouldn't be able to handle it. So, I told her exactly that, and she was very supportive and reassuring. During our session last week, she called another therapist in her office (that was actually the clinical director at RR East when I was there) and he agreed to see me this week just so I can have someone to check in with. That eased my fears a lot. It's been so busy with shopping, parties, gifts, etc the past few days that I haven't had much time to think of anything else. Which is good I guess. I did end up sobbing in my childhood bedroom on Christmas Day. I felt so full of sadness, over so many things. It was so overwhelming and lonely. Now I feel depressed and anxious, and mostly full of fear.

I saw my psychiatrist today, which was good to have his support as well. He convinced me to talk to my therapist about some things I want to try in therapy. I don't know why I'm scared to talk to her about it. Actually, I think I'm scared to talk to her about it because I'm scared she will leave me in some way, shape, or form...just like everyone else. But, I can't wait to see her next week and be open and honest with her.

I'm so worried about going back to work next week. I just don't want to. It stresses me out SO much. It often feels like it's slowly killing me, or making me want to kill myself. I'm really unhappy, which really isn't anything new. But it feels more paralyzing by the day.

It feels like a hopeless situation.

really struggling emotionally

I don't really know how I'm getting through the days right now. Probably because I'm in therapy twice a week. And I'm sure my medications are having me holding on by a thread. And, the once in a while good or fun thing that happens. But that's it.

I'm really depressed. Nights are the hardest. I get this heavy/panic feeling in my chest. And I get scared. I'm not sure what I'm scared of. I just feel like I need to talk to someone. In the back of my head, I know things I can do to soothe or calm myself. But it's so hard to remember to do that. I am borderline suicidal. I say borderline because I don't have any plans to kill myself. But I am miserable. I feel like I'm in a deep, endless black hole. Like, I'm so, so unhappy.

I'm terrified because my therapist is going to be out of the office next week, and I won't see her for two weeks. And I won't be able to call her I don't think. She gave me the pager number of her partner in the office next to her. But I wouldn't really feel comfortable calling her unless it was an urgent crisis. I've never even met her.
I'm just really, really scared that I'm not going to be able to communicate with my therapist. More scared than I am willing admit to her. I saw her today, and I see her again on Wendesday.

We had a discussion on Friday about if I ever feel like the trauma symptoms are too much and if I'm feeling unsafe, that instead of going to a psychiatric hospital, she would want to send me to a treatment center that's for trauma related issues. That's a really scary thought. Sometimes I think I need to do that. But I don't want to leave my therapist. She is the only person I can talk to about EVERYTHING. She's the only one I trust.

 I just don't know how much longer I can hang in.

discouraged and frustrated

I'm so frustrated with myself these days. I beat myself up daily for not being able to handle things better than I think I should be. Every one tells me that the healing process and recovery process is such a journey and that it will get easier and hurt less. But I'm just exhausted with the process and really discouraged. I mean, I know I have made progress since I began seeing my new therapist over the summer. I made progress that I didn't even know that I needed to make. But it's so difficult and I'm so tired.

I think the trauma work has to be the hardest. There are times when I feel so much better after venting about it or writing about it. And then there are other times, like today, when I feel so incredibly stupid for being so upset over it and not being able to be stronger about it. I got so depressed after therapy this morning. I wanted to cry so much. I kept saying to myself, "I hate this, I hate this."  I had one of those moments where I told myself that I didn't want to do this anymore, that I was done. I thought about the psychiatric hospital and as awful as a place that is, today it felt like it would be a safe place for me. To just take a break from work and family and drama. That's not reality though. I need to learn how to deal with what's going on in my life.

I know I am way too hard on myself. People have been telling me this for years. It's just confusing how some times I can be so forgiving of myself and what I'm going through, and other times I feel stupid, dumb, weak, annoying, and worthless. And I care SO much about what other people think about me and how I go through life. I want it to be the "right way", if there is such a thing. Ugh.

I am struggling a little bit with restricting. I feel like I'm in this almost constant state of anxiety or being overwhelmed, or not being able to focus on taking care of myself. And it's so easy to just forget to eat or skip a meal. I hate doing it. I'm mad that my eating disorder is making me feel stuck.

Depression is wrapping me up and consuming me as the days go by. Each day I feel a little less motivated. Simple tasks such as laundry, grocery shopping, going to the bank, taking out the trash, showering, and doing my make up are starting to become very hard tasks.

I'm so tired all the time. Really. All the time. I could fall asleep anytime, anywhere. It's 7:30pm here and I could seriously fall asleep in seconds.

I have to make it through this Winter. Somehow, it needs to be done.

it gets worse before it gets better.

The title of this post is so true when it comes to healing from trauma. I've been working really hard with my therapist since the end of the summer. It's been so hard, and so painful. But I am making progress. But it's still hard. Today was one of the most intense and overwhelming therapy sessions I've ever had. I had a full on breakdown/flashback/dissociative episode. My therapist responded in the most perfect way and I was so glad she was there for me. I was SO out of it after therapy. I felt like I had just run a marathon. My therapist walked me out and down the hall to the elevator, but she must have sensed that I was still really out of it. She rode down the elevator with me. I don't know how, but I drove myself home. I was so dizzy and everything was fuzzy and I think I was still disconnected. I got home and had a little over an hour before I needed to be at work. I literally walked up the stairs to my room, took off my shoes, and crawled under my bed covers and set my alarm for when I needed to wake up to go to work. I instantly fell asleep. Once I woke up I felt better. It was just really intense and I've kind of felt down in the dumps all day and not motivated at all. I'm now at home and in my bed with a heating pad on my chest. I feel anxious that that intense feeling and experience will happen again , but this time alone. I just need to distract, distract, distract.

I've decided that I want to go back to school. Although, I have NO idea how I am going to pay for that. I want to get my associate's degree in early childhood education, and eventually teach pre-school. I think that would be a perfect job for me. I could technically get my degree by taking online classes through the local community college. But I do need to do more research. Figure out what preschools require you to have a degree or not, or if I need any type of certification. And of course, if I need to go back to school, figure out how to pay for it. I'm tired of the jobs I have now. They aren't challenging and I'm really unhappy at them.

Friday I am going to my regular doctor to get checked out. I have been having some really distressing symptoms for the past couple of months. I am nauseous every day, bloated to the point where I look pregnant, I have night sweats and hot flashes, insomnia, irregular periods, episodes of vertigo, etc. I saw my dietitian on Monday night and she weighed me on her super duper scale and I had a really high level of fluid in me, and I had gained weight. I told her about my symptoms and she is convinced I have some sort of hormonal imbalance. It's also been suggested that I have some sort of thyroid issue. Anyway, I'm just really anxious to get some answer about what's going on with me. Because I'm miserable.

Not much else is going on. I'm still motivated for recovery, but otherwise I'm really unhappy.