up and down back and forth

I've been using the word "limbo" a lot to describe my state of mine lately. I really can't think of a better word. It's so black and white with me. Yes I want recovery! No I don't want to do this anymore! It's beyond frustrating. I have small, quick moments that are full of hope and positivity and self-belief. But they are few and far between. It's honestly exhausting and maddening to try and write or talk about what I feel. I can't form a complete sentence about it, which is why I am SO hesitant towards therapy. I'm afraid I won't make sense, and I'm afraid that this cycle of relapse/recovery will forever be one I struggle with.

My eating is becoming more and more normal. I have not purged in 6 days, tomorrow will be 1 week without it. I do feel a TON better physically. I was really damaging my body fast by the purging, and I just knew I couldn't keep up with my job if I was to continue to do that, so that's ultimately why I stopped. But I think about it every single day. And I WANT to do it, but I'm not. I'm eating more normally, like I said, but my thoughts are out of control. I hate that. I hate the extreme guilt and disgust, the feeling like I am doing something wrong by eating right. My body image is terrible. The amount of comparing I am doing to other people is ridiculous. I feel like everyone is thinner than I am. Even though I know it's not true, I sometimes believe that losing weight will make things so much better.

I went to church this morning. It was a church I haven't been to before. It reminded me SO much of the kind of church I went to in Remuda. The songs and sermons were so similar. I found myself in tears during one of the songs. I was crying out for help from God, for Him to heal my heart and my soul, to help me help myself. It was honestly a very moving and uplifting and clarifying experience. I am so glad I went and I am definitely going to go back next week.

I am returning to therapy this week and I am scared beyond words. I trust my therapist, I really do. But sometimes I am worried that I am not getting what I need out of therapy and I'm worried that if I voice that to my therapist that she is going to disagree. I'm just nervous and don't know what to expect but I guess all I can do is go and give it a try and see how it goes.

I haven't felt AS depressed this weekend, simply because it's the weekend and I don't have the added stress of work and other commitments. But it's definitely still lingering and I have that feeling of being trapped in my brain, in my thoughts, with escape feeling so far away. I don't want this whole borderline suicidal business to continue. I feel like an annoying, weak, pathetic person for struggling with this.

I guess I will see how this week goes, try and keep up the no more purging. And...no more self harm. Oh yeah, I self harmed the other night. Haven't told anyone about that. Because really...what are they going to say? I don't want to hear it. Anyway. That's all I got for now.

Defeated

I feel completely defeated. I know there is fight inside of me, but I really don't feel it right now. I guess it's a good sign that I am staying honest with my treatment team and continuing to go to appointments, but that's really the only good thing that I'm doing right now, at least in my mind.

I saw my dietitian today. Pretty sure my weight went down. I didn't look at the final number, but it was lower than it was at my doctor appointment a week ago. I had a REALLY good session with her today. I am so glad that she is helping me strengthen my relationship with God. We didn't even talk that much about food stuff, but more about what I can do emotionally and spiritually to get back on track and be fulfilled. I told her about my screwy lab results and she is putting me on Vitamin D supplements, iron supplements, and calcium supplements. That's a whole freaking lot of supplements, but I guess I really do need it. She commented on how much my demeanor has changed since I started using behaviors. How I don't hold my head high and I am moving slower and I seem full of anxiety and exhaustion. She's so right. I have a pretty good intuition and I sense things really easily, and I sensed fear and concern from my dietitian today. And that made me feel scared and concerned as well. She wants me to keep coming in once a week. That's going to be tough as far as money goes. I haven't told my parents what is going on and I'm starting to think that maybe I should because maybe I need their help with paying for my sessions. I haven't decided if I am going to talk to them about it or not. I'm scared of their reaction.

I was depleted of all energy and life today. I was pretty convinced that I was going to faint any minute. I knew I was dehydrated. I didn't purge today though, which is a step in the right direction. Let's just see how long I can keep that up. Because honestly I'm so addicted to that high right now that I get from purging, the physical and mental release I get from it. I told my dietitian that if I can stop purging, then I feel like things would improve SO much. The purging is really, really dangerous for me and it's just fueling a vicious cycle. I am scared for my health. I'm scared of dying. Maybe that's going over the top, but I do have that fear and it's terrifying.

Right next to me on the bed  is a worksheet I did while at Remuda. It lists areas of your life, such as body, self, relationships, and God. My assignment was to list what I value in each of those areas, and how the ED interferes or creates an inconsistency. The thing I wrote that stands out to me the most is this. "I want to live a long time. I want my body to be strong. I'm taking years off my life when I use my eating disorder and by not fueling my body, I can't be strong." 
This still is true. I still want those things and I still believe that my ED is going to prevent me from achieving that.

Is this a relapse?

It's frustrating because I know what to do. I know what skills to use. I know how to help myself. I know how to use the advice that my treatment team is giving me. But, I am SO stuck. It's scary to me that I was doing SO  well with recovery. I felt the best I have EVER felt. And now I feel like I'm just throwing it away and going back to hell. I don't know what it's going to take to get me un-stuck. I'm really frustrated and angry about that.

Well, I'm completely exhausted in every way imaginable It's 11pm and I really think maybe I should go to bed. I need to get lots of rest and somehow find it in me to push through this and move forward.

Stuck

I continue to feel stuck. I have good days and bad days. Which is what recovery is I guess. But it feels more discouraging then it did six months ago.
I have moments where I can imagine that hope again. I can practically feel it. I believe in recovery and believe it will work for me, and I will be able to achieve it. I am overcome with emotion in those moments, envisioning myself without an eating disorder, loving life and myself.
And then I have moments where going backwards would be easier then staying where I am now. It's almost like a limbo. It at times feels like being in between recovery and relapse, having a need for behaviors. My dietitian agrees. She tells me I am in the part of recovery where there are almost constant ups and downs.
I don't understand how it went from feeling on top of the world and full of hope for several months, to being in the place where I am now. It's very, very frustrating.

Eating is okay, I think. I skip meals here and there, which isn't deal. But I am trying harder. I have more fight, or at least it feels that way. I find myself challenging myself with foods I enjoy, eating for pleasure, instead of just for survival. I sometimes feel guilt after eating things like girl scout cookies, candy, or chips. But I enjoy it in the moment. When things get too tough emotionally, my head immediately thinks of bingeing/purging. I have not given in.

Body image is such a roller coaster. For a while I actually somewhat kind of liked what I looked like. I appreciated that I looked healthy and alive. Right now I'm in this place where I want to lose weight, but in order to do that I feel like I would have to go back to purging. I constantly compare my body to others. I have been throwing away old clothes. Clothes that fit me for years, look like a child's clothes to me now. Jeans that fit me a year ago, I am not able to get past my thighs. It's discouraging. But I think it's worth it. I accept the weight I am. I know it's where I need to be to maintain health. But I still don't like it, and at times I still want it to be lower. But I guess the good thing is that I am not actively trying to lose weight.

I had a horrible day yesterday. I found out one of my dogs, Lucy, has throat cancer, and isn't expected to live but a couple more months. I was inconsolable. I can't imagine my life without her. She came from such a broken and cruel world before we rescued and adopted her. I love her so, so much. I have been crying on and off since I found out yesterday. Going in and out of denial as well. For now she doesn't seem to be in pain, but she struggles to eat and swallow, and I can't take her on long walks anymore, or throw a tennis ball with her. It just about kills me.
I feel like I want to vomit when I think about it.

I am moving into a new place this weekend. I am excited, but more stressed. I have so much packing and cleaning to do. It just feels like so much right now. Once I am all moved in, I am sure I will feel alot better.

Panic seems to have crept back into my life. I have had two panic attacks in the past two weeks. Bad panic attacks too, the kind where I almost pass out and can't see, breathe, move, or speak. It's been scary and frustrating dealing with that again.

All in all, as hard and as scary and confusing and frustrating as things are right now, how incredibly overwhelming and difficult my life is at the moment, I have a lot to be thankful for.

I am so blessed to have a God who loves me and cares about me, who is with me every step of the way. He provides me with so much comfort and peace and guidance. I am so glad I have let the Lord back into my heart this past year, though I suspect He never left, because I am still alive after all I put my body through for the past 9 years.

I have an amazingly wonderful treatment team. Amazing.
My best friends mean the absolute world to me. Especially the girls I met in treatment. No one gets this journey like they do. What a blessing.
The family I nanny for provide me with comic relief.

But for now, I need my rest. I haven't felt like I have had a break in weeks. It's taking its toll.