Defeated

I feel completely defeated. I know there is fight inside of me, but I really don't feel it right now. I guess it's a good sign that I am staying honest with my treatment team and continuing to go to appointments, but that's really the only good thing that I'm doing right now, at least in my mind.

I saw my dietitian today. Pretty sure my weight went down. I didn't look at the final number, but it was lower than it was at my doctor appointment a week ago. I had a REALLY good session with her today. I am so glad that she is helping me strengthen my relationship with God. We didn't even talk that much about food stuff, but more about what I can do emotionally and spiritually to get back on track and be fulfilled. I told her about my screwy lab results and she is putting me on Vitamin D supplements, iron supplements, and calcium supplements. That's a whole freaking lot of supplements, but I guess I really do need it. She commented on how much my demeanor has changed since I started using behaviors. How I don't hold my head high and I am moving slower and I seem full of anxiety and exhaustion. She's so right. I have a pretty good intuition and I sense things really easily, and I sensed fear and concern from my dietitian today. And that made me feel scared and concerned as well. She wants me to keep coming in once a week. That's going to be tough as far as money goes. I haven't told my parents what is going on and I'm starting to think that maybe I should because maybe I need their help with paying for my sessions. I haven't decided if I am going to talk to them about it or not. I'm scared of their reaction.

I was depleted of all energy and life today. I was pretty convinced that I was going to faint any minute. I knew I was dehydrated. I didn't purge today though, which is a step in the right direction. Let's just see how long I can keep that up. Because honestly I'm so addicted to that high right now that I get from purging, the physical and mental release I get from it. I told my dietitian that if I can stop purging, then I feel like things would improve SO much. The purging is really, really dangerous for me and it's just fueling a vicious cycle. I am scared for my health. I'm scared of dying. Maybe that's going over the top, but I do have that fear and it's terrifying.

Right next to me on the bed  is a worksheet I did while at Remuda. It lists areas of your life, such as body, self, relationships, and God. My assignment was to list what I value in each of those areas, and how the ED interferes or creates an inconsistency. The thing I wrote that stands out to me the most is this. "I want to live a long time. I want my body to be strong. I'm taking years off my life when I use my eating disorder and by not fueling my body, I can't be strong." 
This still is true. I still want those things and I still believe that my ED is going to prevent me from achieving that.

Is this a relapse?

It's frustrating because I know what to do. I know what skills to use. I know how to help myself. I know how to use the advice that my treatment team is giving me. But, I am SO stuck. It's scary to me that I was doing SO  well with recovery. I felt the best I have EVER felt. And now I feel like I'm just throwing it away and going back to hell. I don't know what it's going to take to get me un-stuck. I'm really frustrated and angry about that.

Well, I'm completely exhausted in every way imaginable It's 11pm and I really think maybe I should go to bed. I need to get lots of rest and somehow find it in me to push through this and move forward.

Day 1 and other thoughts

Today makes 1 days without purging. Honestly, it was really fucking hard. In my head, if I wasn't going to purge, then I had to eat a "safe" amount. Which translates into major restricting. Lunch actually wasn't as horrible as I thought. I feel like I tolerated it pretty well, not feeling too much anxiety. But dinner was a different story. I felt really hungry. But I was super, super anxious about eating so much that I felt full, and then wanting to purge. So I ate barely anything. I apologize if this is triggering. I try really hard to not use specific foods, calories, numbers.

I saw my primary doctor this morning. I said in my last blog post that I was going to do a blind weight. Well, that didn't happen. I looked at my weight, and was kind of surprised. I honestly expected it to be higher. Oh well. I told my doctor a little bit about what has been going on. She was super supportive. I get the feeling she doesn't know much about eating disorders, but she didn't say anything that was harmful, thank God. She seemed concerned, enough to order blood work. She offered her support and wants me back in 6 months, pending the blood work results, but said she is there for me if I need to see her before then.

Quite honestly I am worried about my physical state. Although I have only purged a few times, I can feel the toll it has taken on my body, combined with the restricting. It scares me. I'm scared of passing out at work, especially around the kids, or passing out while driving or in the shower. I'm scared of something going wrong with my heart. This should be motivation enough to get back on track. Wrong. In my head I feel like I have to continue doing what I'm doing in order to prove my my treatment team that I am hurting and having a really hard time with a lot of different things. They have told me time and time again that I never need to prove to them my pain. And then there's the thought that, "well once I get down to x amount of pounds, then I can go back to doing well with my meal plan." That's a bunch of bullshit and I know it.

I do feel like I have a good idea of what I need to do to get back on track. Anxiety is a huge factor for why I am struggling so much. My dietitian gave me a light exercise plan to try out in hopes of lowering my anxiety. My therapist mentioned something I might do to help with trauma stuff, haven't mind up my mind about that yet though. I increased one of my anxiety medications and hopefully that will help as well. I just need to use my tools, pull out my Remuda binder, keep writing in my journal, and reaching out for help to those who can help me. Although, the trick is actually doing all of these things.

So, yeah. I'm just having  really shitty time right now and I suck.

I have to stop.

I have to stop what I am doing. I HAVE to.
I have started purging again and I had forgotten how addictive it was. I have to stop or this is going to get REALLY bad REALLY fast.
I mean, what am I doing? I know what's going to happen if I continue to do this.
I will lose weight (which is what my ED wants) but I will compromise my health. I could possibly lose my job. I will push away friends (which I am already doing). I could end up in the hospital. I could die.
The anxiety is intense and overwhelming. I put together a plan with my treatment team and I need to start following it.
My dietitian said that I can't keep doing what I am doing, that something will happen to cause me to stop, that I will eventually have a physical or emotional meltdown. That will be a scary meltdown and I don't like to think of what it would be like.

I see my primary doctor tomorrow for follow-up on my migraines. I don't know what I'm going to tell her about how I'm doing with recovery. I don't know if I should say anything about it. My psychiatrist already ordered blood work for me and I will get that done tomorrow as well. I didn't look at my weight at my dietitian appointment yesterday and I am terrified of seeing it at the doctor tomorrow. I will have to make myself do a blind weight.

I am in the arms of the eating disorder right now and I HAVE to get myself out of it.