Re-visiting the past

I saw my therapist yesterday. We talked about the email that I had sent her. Which was the same blog post I wrote last week about my trauma. I was terrified to talk about it. But she led me through it, and supported me the whole way through. It was tough. When talking about my trauma are the moments when I have the most trouble finding my voice, which makes sense I guess. I don't want to get into details on my blog. I don't really like to go into details about my abuse on the internet. Only 4 people in the world know exactly everything that happened. That would be me, the people who abused me, my current therapist, and my therapist from Remuda.
But it was a really hard session. I told her something I have never spoken of before. Something I beat myself up for. I realize that I still hold on to a lot of shame. I still blame myself. My therapist talked about how it was not my fault. My reaction of being paralyzed physically and emotionally, was something that occurs quite often to abuse victims. When she said that, it made sense. I can understand that. But I feel like I still need to get to the point where I can say to myself, "I did everything I could in those moments. I was just a little girl. It was his fault, not mine." I think I can get there one day. It will just take time.
I told my therapist about how lately I have been wanting to go back to the place it occurred. She thinks it's a good idea. She mentioned that maybe we can take a field trip together to do that one day. I might take her up on that offer if she truly meant it. I think it would be good to go back there and remember all the good things that happened there, not just the terrible things. I think I would be able to make peace with it, to forgive myself, to take a step further in my healing process.
I left therapy feeling better. But it didn't last long. I got to my first job and my anxiety re-surfaced. I was a mess. No appetite, trembling, unable to breathe, exhausted. I was miserable. I went to my second job, the house to babysit the kids. I had about 20 minutes before I had to walk up to the bus stop. So I did something that my therapist had suggested in our session that day. I laid down on the couch, put on my favorite relaxing Pandora station on my iPod touch, and tried to take some deep breaths. Within about a minute I was crying. I thought about how much I loathe talking about my trauma, even though I know it's what I need to do in order to fully heal. I thought about how much I just want to ignore it and run away from it. And then I started crying more because of how much I hate my anxiety. It's the worst feeling in the world in my opinion. I don't just suffer from your normal anxiety. I have an anxiety disorder and it absolutely sucks. It's more than just a feeling in your head, it attacks my body. Anxiety scares me more than any other feeling. It just pisses me off when it gets this bad. It makes me so angry. And so I was crying because I just want it to go away. And then I started crying because I was missing my grandmother. She passed away 11 years ago, but I guess talking about the abuse (which happened a year before she passed away) made me think of her. At this point I was practically sobbing. I had to pull myself together and go walk up to the bus stop. I was breathing easier, and my anxiety had decreased. And the cold weather outside was soothing. I was doing pretty well all throughout the rest of my time babysitting. And then when it was time to go home, my anxiety popped back up. It wasn't so much anxiety as it was, just pure exhaustion and sadness and being overwhelmed. I had already taken my as needed Klonopin dose when I got to work. And then when I got back to my house I took another dose. I'm allowed to take up to 3 a day, so it's no biggie that I took two. So I put on my sweatpants and hoodie and crawled under my covers and fell asleep. I slept for the next 4 hours. When I woke up, my anxiety was gone, but I started crying again. I stayed awake for a couple hours and then wrote an email to my therapist (the second one that day) and then went back to sleep.

Today has been better. No crying, almost though. My anxiety has been better, but not all the way gone. I was able to eat lunch without almost having a panic attack. Now I'm at my parent's house because we are going to my godmother's surprise birthday part in about an hour. That should be fun. My little sister is home from college this weekend, and it will be nice to see family tonight. I'm not too worried about the food. Hopefully it won't cause a lot of anxiety.

I texted one of my best friends, Michelle, today. I love that girl. She was at the walk last weekend. She told me how great of a week she has been having since the walk. I told her about my day yesterday and she was super supportive and understanding and caring. I told her that we HAVE to see each other over Christmas. I can't wait.

I don't have anything going on this weekend. I will probably sleep late both days and spend time with my dogs and my family and watch lots of TV and movies. I am getting a much needed massage on Monday morning from my good friend Karen. And then I have an appointment with my dietitian on Monday night. I am REALLY looking forward to that. I know it will be a good session. I will be opening up to her about my abuse for the first time. She is the most supportive and caring person I know and I know I will feel better after telling her.

That's all for now. My hope and belief in full recovery is still alive. As hard as the past couple of weeks have been, I still feel strong and have a will to fight and survive. It feels great.

intensity

Yesterday I had therapy. It was one of the most intense sessions of my life. We talked about pretty much everything, focusing more on body image and eating disorder stuff. But at the end I decided to bring up something that I have been thinking a lot about. My 5th and 6th grade year was hands down the worst years of my life. SO many horrible things happened; the abuse, losing gymnastics, losing my grandmother, changing schools, identity crisis. And not until about 6 months ago did I realize how traumatic those 2 years were for me. And so I felt the pain and sadness that I numbed out back when it happened. I feel like I have been grieving all of it, and for some reason it's just not getting any better. My therapist mentioned how I needed to find a way to move on and let go of that 11 year old girl and grow into my 23 year old self. And then it hit me...the reason why I am scared to move on. I fought back tears as this realization came into my head. I found the courage to tell my therapist what I was thinking. The tears formed behind my eyes as I said..."I'm scared to move on because I feel like that means I am betraying that 11 year old girl." And then I just lost it. All of that pain, sadness, and fear came flooding back. And I just cried. It sucked, but it also felt so good to get that out. My therapist told me how proud she was of me, and how I am doing such hard work. Needless to say, I was drained by the end of the day. I am feeling much better today though.

Yesterday was my last day of working as a diving coach. I am going to miss it, but I am excited for an opportunity that might open up for me this fall. The mom of a family that I coached this summer basically made me an offer to be their full time babysitter when the school year starts. She said that I should think about it and she would be in touch. I really, really hope this works out. This family is so fun! The youngest is 8 years old, and then an 11 year old, and then a 14 year old. They are the nicest family too. I really hope I have the chance to do this!

Well, it's almost 1:30pm and Erin should be here in an hour and a half. I am sooo excited! Too bad I have not finished packing, oops.

Therapy today

I had therapy this morning. We mainly focused on my eating disorder and how I REALLY need to get back on track with food. I just need to start eating again. I haven't had a meal in 3 days, and it's taking it's toll. I have been having a lot of stomach pain and nausea, caused by anxiety and the fact that I haven't been eating. So my therapist and I came up with some foods that feel safe to me and that won't upset my stomach. I will start with those foods, and once I start physically feeling better I will add more food in. She suggested I buy some applesauce, cinnamon raisin bread, apples, and cheese sticks. These foods are safe to me (well, the bread sort of scares me). And I know that what I have to do now is JUST EAT IT. I just have to repeat to myself that...this is the only option and that I can do this.

My therapist mentioned this hospital today. No No No....was my response. She responded with, "Well you have to start eating again if you want to avoid that". That is my main motivation right there. I absolutely do not want to go into the hospital. Do you know how much conflict, drama, problems that would cause? Totally don't need that, nor do I feel I need it at this point.

I said that I knew that my eating disorder, and food, and calories are not the real problem here. She mentioned how my eating disorder is a placeholder for me right now. So I said...I know what's really causing this, and by using my eating disorder... I am just avoiding what I am really feeling and what's really going on. "What's are you feeling and what is going on?", said my therapist. Tears filled my eyes and I talked about the pain and sadness I feel right now about my best friend moving away. I cried for the first time in therapy today. Real, genuine tears fell down my cheeks. It was SO hard to talk about it, to talk about him moving. So many things ran through my head. How am I going to do this without him? Just...so many things to think about. I told her...how I have never in my life felt so connected to someone. How, he is the first person that has genuinely cared about me without having an obligation to do so. That means SO much to me, you have no idea. What that feels like...it's amazing. It's the best feeling in the world. What in the world has he seen in me? I don't see it.

But, I don't want to fall apart when he leaves. I don't want to break, like I have done in the past. I want to honor our friendship and stand strong and remember all that he has done for me. I know he would not want me to break or fall apart, in fact he would be quite angry with me. And I don't want that, and he doesn't want that. And so that's what I am going to do. I am going to make the best out of the time we have left together. And when he leaves, I promise myself to stay in contact and honor what we have. I hope he does the same. That's something I really need/want to talk to him about. I want to talk to him about my fears in him leaving, and how I don't want what he have to break up and disappear. I have a strong feeling he wants the same things I do.

So anyway, that's what is going through my head right now. I've learned over and over to never take anyone for granted, because they will leave eventually and you won't realize what you had before it's too late. This is not the case. I know what I have and I am going to make the best of it and not screw it up, and I'm not going to push him away to protect myself from being devastated when he leaves (as much as I want to). Because pushing him away would fill me with regret. And it would not be fair to me, and it would most certainly not be fair to him. Like I said, I want to honor our friendship.

Anyway, right now I am working on my Soul Restoration journal/art book. It is so much fun and so relaxing. When I am finished with it, I will have to find some way to post pictures of it so I can share it with you.

I have a massage in about an hour and I am looking forward to that and the company of another great friend of mine. And then I work tonight from 3:30 to 10.

For now, I just need to breathe, and eat, and take it minute by minute