intensity

Yesterday I had therapy. It was one of the most intense sessions of my life. We talked about pretty much everything, focusing more on body image and eating disorder stuff. But at the end I decided to bring up something that I have been thinking a lot about. My 5th and 6th grade year was hands down the worst years of my life. SO many horrible things happened; the abuse, losing gymnastics, losing my grandmother, changing schools, identity crisis. And not until about 6 months ago did I realize how traumatic those 2 years were for me. And so I felt the pain and sadness that I numbed out back when it happened. I feel like I have been grieving all of it, and for some reason it's just not getting any better. My therapist mentioned how I needed to find a way to move on and let go of that 11 year old girl and grow into my 23 year old self. And then it hit me...the reason why I am scared to move on. I fought back tears as this realization came into my head. I found the courage to tell my therapist what I was thinking. The tears formed behind my eyes as I said..."I'm scared to move on because I feel like that means I am betraying that 11 year old girl." And then I just lost it. All of that pain, sadness, and fear came flooding back. And I just cried. It sucked, but it also felt so good to get that out. My therapist told me how proud she was of me, and how I am doing such hard work. Needless to say, I was drained by the end of the day. I am feeling much better today though.

Yesterday was my last day of working as a diving coach. I am going to miss it, but I am excited for an opportunity that might open up for me this fall. The mom of a family that I coached this summer basically made me an offer to be their full time babysitter when the school year starts. She said that I should think about it and she would be in touch. I really, really hope this works out. This family is so fun! The youngest is 8 years old, and then an 11 year old, and then a 14 year old. They are the nicest family too. I really hope I have the chance to do this!

Well, it's almost 1:30pm and Erin should be here in an hour and a half. I am sooo excited! Too bad I have not finished packing, oops.