Therapy today

I had therapy this morning. We mainly focused on my eating disorder and how I REALLY need to get back on track with food. I just need to start eating again. I haven't had a meal in 3 days, and it's taking it's toll. I have been having a lot of stomach pain and nausea, caused by anxiety and the fact that I haven't been eating. So my therapist and I came up with some foods that feel safe to me and that won't upset my stomach. I will start with those foods, and once I start physically feeling better I will add more food in. She suggested I buy some applesauce, cinnamon raisin bread, apples, and cheese sticks. These foods are safe to me (well, the bread sort of scares me). And I know that what I have to do now is JUST EAT IT. I just have to repeat to myself that...this is the only option and that I can do this.

My therapist mentioned this hospital today. No No No....was my response. She responded with, "Well you have to start eating again if you want to avoid that". That is my main motivation right there. I absolutely do not want to go into the hospital. Do you know how much conflict, drama, problems that would cause? Totally don't need that, nor do I feel I need it at this point.

I said that I knew that my eating disorder, and food, and calories are not the real problem here. She mentioned how my eating disorder is a placeholder for me right now. So I said...I know what's really causing this, and by using my eating disorder... I am just avoiding what I am really feeling and what's really going on. "What's are you feeling and what is going on?", said my therapist. Tears filled my eyes and I talked about the pain and sadness I feel right now about my best friend moving away. I cried for the first time in therapy today. Real, genuine tears fell down my cheeks. It was SO hard to talk about it, to talk about him moving. So many things ran through my head. How am I going to do this without him? Just...so many things to think about. I told her...how I have never in my life felt so connected to someone. How, he is the first person that has genuinely cared about me without having an obligation to do so. That means SO much to me, you have no idea. What that feels like...it's amazing. It's the best feeling in the world. What in the world has he seen in me? I don't see it.

But, I don't want to fall apart when he leaves. I don't want to break, like I have done in the past. I want to honor our friendship and stand strong and remember all that he has done for me. I know he would not want me to break or fall apart, in fact he would be quite angry with me. And I don't want that, and he doesn't want that. And so that's what I am going to do. I am going to make the best out of the time we have left together. And when he leaves, I promise myself to stay in contact and honor what we have. I hope he does the same. That's something I really need/want to talk to him about. I want to talk to him about my fears in him leaving, and how I don't want what he have to break up and disappear. I have a strong feeling he wants the same things I do.

So anyway, that's what is going through my head right now. I've learned over and over to never take anyone for granted, because they will leave eventually and you won't realize what you had before it's too late. This is not the case. I know what I have and I am going to make the best of it and not screw it up, and I'm not going to push him away to protect myself from being devastated when he leaves (as much as I want to). Because pushing him away would fill me with regret. And it would not be fair to me, and it would most certainly not be fair to him. Like I said, I want to honor our friendship.

Anyway, right now I am working on my Soul Restoration journal/art book. It is so much fun and so relaxing. When I am finished with it, I will have to find some way to post pictures of it so I can share it with you.

I have a massage in about an hour and I am looking forward to that and the company of another great friend of mine. And then I work tonight from 3:30 to 10.

For now, I just need to breathe, and eat, and take it minute by minute