fabulous weekend

What a great weekend I had to turn around such a horrific week. I took the train up to Maryland to visit my friend Erin. I got there around 1pm and we went downtown with her mom to get some lunch at a really cool restaurant called The Tasting Room. I had a cheeseburger, and it made me really full, but I felt like I did a pretty good job with it. After that we walked around downtown a little more. It was a very cool place, with lots of neat shops and restaurants. After that, we went back to her house and hung out until it was time for dinner. We went downtown at a great Mexican place called La Paz. While we were waiting for a table, Erin and I had spontaneously decided to walk down the street and get a piercing. We both got our tragus pierced. I have wanted this piercing for a few months, and I am so glad I got it. I didn't think it was going to hurt that bad because my cartilage piercing didn't hurt a bit, and neither did my tattoo. And I normally have a very high pain tolerance from being beat up in sports all my life. But dear lord, this hurt like a bitch. I think what made it worse was that I tensed up. It was throbbing all throughout dinner and I thought I was going to be a sick, but after a couple hours the pain went away and it feels fine now.

After dinner, Erin and I headed to the hookah bar where we stayed until about 1am. That was really fun, even though we sat with some questionable people, and I almost got kidnapped and murdered by this random 40 year old (okay, not really). But it was pretty sketchy. We even saw a fist fight outside and the cops showed up. Too bad we couldn't have seen more action since we were inside the hookah bar when it was happening. I started getting really tired around 12am, but stuck it out because I really was having a good time. We went back to her house and watched Chelsea Lately, and I fell asleep around 3am. Erin woke me up around 10am, and she and her Mom made breakfast. It was really good and I was really proud of myself for listening to my hunger cues and eating it! After breakfast, I showered and we went to the puppy store at the mall and played with this really cute, soft, but hyper puppy. We also went downtown again and stopped in at this cool store that had lots of neat stuff. By the time we got back to her house and had lunch, it was time for me to leave to take the train back home. The train right back wasn't too bad because I had no one sitting next to me and the car I was in was quiet. But I was freezing, and they kept blowing the damn horn every 2 minutes. Do you really need to blow the horn when you are in the middle of nowhere?

Anyway, it feels good to be back home, but I am getting increasingly nervous about starting my new job and and stress that I will be taking on. My anxiety has been coming out in pretty irritating ways. I am obsessed over my body. I find no satisfaction with what I look like what-so-ever. I cannot even describe how huge my stomach is. I want to cry thinking about it. My OCD has reared it's ugly head and it's really miserable. My psychiatrist increased my Prozac, and gave me the lowest dose of Xanax for situations when I really need it.
I can't think too much about the thoughts and obsessions swirling in my head or else my heart beats rapidly and I start having self-harm urges and my eyes fill with tears. Because of my new schedule starting this week, and my therapist's kids starting back at school as well, we do not have time to have a session this week. This makes me even more nervous. I know I can call her though.

Bahhhh, anyway. I need to relax and get in my bed and just chill.

with or without you

Well, things are going pretty good. Well actually, it's been kind of hard lately. I'm struggling with meals, but it's not terrible. Yesterday I had a little bit of a low blood sugar attack, but I ended up being fine. Ugh, anyway, I don't want to focus on the bad. I told my therapist today that I get so frustrated because it seems like I have really, really good days and then bad days. I wish every day was good, but I know life is not like that. I just have to remember to do what's healthy and best for me, as hard as it is. My body image has not been as bad, which is a plus. I think it's because I'm working out more. I feel sooooo good about myself when I work out. Exercise is in my blood. I don't know why I deprived myself of it for the past several months. I guess I was scared I would go over board with it. But I don't think that will happen. I see my dietitian on Monday and I really want to be like...I'm not going to look at my weight anymore. But I just really need to know that it doesn't continue to go up. I'm going to discuss this with my dietitian though. I also want to make some menus, hoping that will make meals easier.

I got the nannying job! I am SO excited! I start September 6th. I already know the family. I coached the 3 kids in diving this summer. The youngest, a boy, is 8. And the other two are girls, age 12 and 14. I will be mostly taking care of them after school. I will work my hostessing job from 11-1:30 and then go across the street to pick them up from their bus stop. And then the days they don't have school for like a holiday or teacher work-day, I will be there from 8:30am until 5:30pm. The kids are so sweet and so nice, and the mom is really nice too. She keeps saying how excited she is that I am going to be taking care of her kids.

My little sister leaves for her first year of college tomorrow morning. It's so crazy. I know she is going to have the time of her life and I am so excited for her! But it's going to be kind of lonely without her here! She will be about an hour and a half away, so it's not too bad, but it will be the longest she has ever been away from home. Her boyfriend left for college yesterday. I will miss him too, since he is practically my brother.

One of my best friends, who I have mentioned in my blogs a lot in the past, is moving to Los Angeles on Friday. Yes, I will miss him. But I also feel...relieved. I can't really explain it. I guess I feel like I won't have this messy, complicated, burden on my shoulders. No disrespect to him, it's just going to be better for me. And I know moving to L.A. is his dream and so I'm really happy that he is living it out.

I am going to the river this weekend at my dad's friends river house. I am super excited to get out of town and spend the weekend on the river. They have a boat and we will go tubing and have yummy food. It's going to be really relaxing!


Anyway, that's it for now!