Reflecting on 2011

"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." - J.K. Rowling

2011 has been the best year of my life. But it certainly did not start out that way. On February 10th, I had reached my rock bottom. I was malnourished, dehydrated, extremely sleep deprived, and suicidal. I was sick and tired of living. I didn't believe things would ever get better for me. And so, with a handful of sleeping pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other...I was about to end my life. Nothing was stopping me. But yet, something did stop me. For the longest time, I couldn't figure out what that was. There was no logical reason why I did not swallow those pills, for there was no sense of hope inside of me. Today, I strongly believe God had everything to do with me putting down those pills. Sounds strange maybe, but that is the only reason I can think of as to why I did not go through with killing myself that day. I went to my therapist the next day and admitted I needed more help than I was getting. And so I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital. I spent the next five days there. On my fourth day, my parents told me the next day that I would be leaving and would be admitted to Remuda Ranch. I was relieved.

On February 15th, I started my stay at Remuda Ranch. I spent the next 45 days there. 30 days in a residential program, and 15 days in a step down program in Chandler, Arizona. I flew home to Virginia on March 31st.

The past 9 months have really flown by. But as they say, time flies when you are having fun! And since entering recovery, I have had so much fun enjoying life once again and learning to love myself. Recovery is not an easy task, nor does it happen overnight. It is not straight forward, it is not as simple as it sounds. But recovery is amazing, it is beautiful, it is about being able to laugh again, and smiling because I feel so good inside.

I have gained so much this year. New friendships being one. I formed lifelong friendships with the women I met in treatment. I have formed a sisterhood with them that can never be taken away.

I have a great support system around me, guiding me along the way with their never failing support. My therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist, support group, Mrs. Robson, my friend Karen, and my friend Kathleen.

I have a faith in God that He will be there for me every step of the way.

I have the most amazing job in the world. The family I nanny for makes me smile more than anyone else.

Among other things, I have gained HOPE. TRUST. FAITH. LOVE FOR MYSELF. HAPPINESS. PEACE. COMFORT. SAFETY. MOTIVATION. STRENGTH. A NEW LIFE.

I have restored my soul.

I am sad to see 2011 go, for it brought so many great and amazing people and experiences into my life. But 2012, and the years to follow, will be filled with so many other great things. I am so excited for my future.

THANK YOU 2011!
YOU HAVE BEEN AWESOME!

with or without you

Well, things are going pretty good. Well actually, it's been kind of hard lately. I'm struggling with meals, but it's not terrible. Yesterday I had a little bit of a low blood sugar attack, but I ended up being fine. Ugh, anyway, I don't want to focus on the bad. I told my therapist today that I get so frustrated because it seems like I have really, really good days and then bad days. I wish every day was good, but I know life is not like that. I just have to remember to do what's healthy and best for me, as hard as it is. My body image has not been as bad, which is a plus. I think it's because I'm working out more. I feel sooooo good about myself when I work out. Exercise is in my blood. I don't know why I deprived myself of it for the past several months. I guess I was scared I would go over board with it. But I don't think that will happen. I see my dietitian on Monday and I really want to be like...I'm not going to look at my weight anymore. But I just really need to know that it doesn't continue to go up. I'm going to discuss this with my dietitian though. I also want to make some menus, hoping that will make meals easier.

I got the nannying job! I am SO excited! I start September 6th. I already know the family. I coached the 3 kids in diving this summer. The youngest, a boy, is 8. And the other two are girls, age 12 and 14. I will be mostly taking care of them after school. I will work my hostessing job from 11-1:30 and then go across the street to pick them up from their bus stop. And then the days they don't have school for like a holiday or teacher work-day, I will be there from 8:30am until 5:30pm. The kids are so sweet and so nice, and the mom is really nice too. She keeps saying how excited she is that I am going to be taking care of her kids.

My little sister leaves for her first year of college tomorrow morning. It's so crazy. I know she is going to have the time of her life and I am so excited for her! But it's going to be kind of lonely without her here! She will be about an hour and a half away, so it's not too bad, but it will be the longest she has ever been away from home. Her boyfriend left for college yesterday. I will miss him too, since he is practically my brother.

One of my best friends, who I have mentioned in my blogs a lot in the past, is moving to Los Angeles on Friday. Yes, I will miss him. But I also feel...relieved. I can't really explain it. I guess I feel like I won't have this messy, complicated, burden on my shoulders. No disrespect to him, it's just going to be better for me. And I know moving to L.A. is his dream and so I'm really happy that he is living it out.

I am going to the river this weekend at my dad's friends river house. I am super excited to get out of town and spend the weekend on the river. They have a boat and we will go tubing and have yummy food. It's going to be really relaxing!


Anyway, that's it for now!

Self-Care

I have been lacking in the self-care department lately, which is probably what triggered this depression and anxiety I am dealing with (among other things). So I had therapy today and we made a goal, more like a plan actually, to take better care of myself. We didn't make a list or anything like that, but I decided to make my own...so I can see exactly what I need to do to start feeling better. My therapist mentioned to me that I looked different than I did two weeks ago. A little thinner, my face was sort of hollow, and there was no life in my eyes. I don't want to look like that. I want to have life in my eyes.

But anyway, here is my list of goals for better self care.

1. Eat at least twice a day. Make sure to actually taste my food instead of just shoving it in.

2. Alter my schedule so that I have at least 1 day off of both jobs. I need to have one day to myself, to recuperate and rest.

3. Not work on my workbook so much. Only do it every few days or so, and if it gets too overwhelming or stressful, put it to the side. Share parts of it in therapy if needed.

4. Sign up for a dance class. I'm pretty excited about this one!

5. Reach out for help when I need it. I have been lacking on this, depriving myself of help. I have needed some extra support the last few days, but have neglected to reach out.

6. Write down my dreams/nightmares

7. No more self-harm. I had a relapse with cutting last night. Instead of self-harm, use positive and healthy coping skills to release my pent up energy and emotion.

8. Allow myself to cry. Emotional release is good.

And...I think that's it. I might think of some more later, but that's it for now.

I am going to go have some yogurt and granola. I am going to actually taste it and enjoy it, and remember I am nourishing myself.