Bravery.

I got brave tonight. I emailed my therapist and admitted I needed help, that I was scared, and even though I hated myself for reaching out to her, I trust her and need her help. It's so painful waiting for a response.

I decided to reach out for help because, like I said, I was scared. I was having intrusive thoughts that could turn into very dangerous behaviors. I've come too far to go back to where I was in February 2011, suicidal and in the psychiatric hospital and on death's door from my ED. Deep down I don't want to die. But when things get really hard like they have been, something in my brain seems to think that's the best way out.

I had a conversation with a friend tonight that really made me wonder. Maybe I need to change up what I'm doing with therapy. Whether that be seeing a new therapist (which I REALLY don't want to do) or trying out DBT or EMDR or something else. I just feel like I need something different. Talking isn't really getting me anywhere these days. My dietitian has been helpful in the sense that every time I see her she gives me an assignment. For example, she had me buy calcium supplements and iron supplements and told me how much to take on a daily basis. She also had me research churches in my area and gymnastics gyms that offer adult classes. She always follows up with me on these assignments. It's accountability I guess. And it's helped me. I found a church. I signed up for gymnastics classes and I am taking my supplements. Maybe that's what I need to start doing with therapy. I don't know. And that's one of the things I addressed in my email to my therapist.

I've been seeking out all sorts of inspiration for recovery. I bought Johanna Kandel's book "Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder" a while back and I have started reading that again. I am going through assignments in my Remuda Ranch binder. I am reading inspirational blogs. I have deleted people off of my Facebook and Twitter who are not in recovery or who are triggering. I have been making inspirational playlists and spending more time devoted to prayer and meditation.

Today was day 3 of no purging. Which is the longest I have gone in a month. Woo Hoo! It's getting easier, it really is. Once you begin to break that cycle, the urges are less and less. I am still struggling with restricting though.

I am anxious for my dietitian appointment on Friday for a multitude of reasons. I know it will be a positive appointment. I am going to continue to NOT look at my weight and ask my dietitian to NOT tell me what the numbers are doing.

Things are improving, slowly but surely.

Stepping it up.

I saw my dietitian tonight. Well, let's just say it didn't go as I expected it to. That doesn't mean it was bad though. In fact, it was probably the best session I have had with her in a while. We covered a lot of ground, and I left feeling like we talked about everything I needed/wanted to.
I have been mainly struggling with depression, as well as increasing anxiety. But in my mind I felt like I was doing "fine" with food. But when she asked me tonight if things were going well with food, I just sort of spit out "No, not really." And then I proceeded to tell her what my food intake has been like. Of course she was concerned and asked if I thought it would help if she put together a plan. So, she basically put together a plan similar to the one Remuda Ranch gave me. That freaked me out because, that just feels like so much food to me. She reassured me that it's not. I then asked if this plan would make me gain weight, she said no. She wrote down the plan and then made copies of it so I could check each meal off, or not check it off every day. She wants me to come back in a week and see how the plan worked.
So, I don't know. I guess I was just kind of surprised because I didn't realize how off track I was. I guess I really need to start stepping it up. I don't want to relapse. Please God, I don't want to relapse. So how come when I was driving home tonight did I feel like I wanted to throw in the towel and go back to the arms of my eating disorder and not hold on to recovery? What is going on with me?

I am leaning pretty heavily on support from my treatment team and supportive people in my life. Although I have found myself not talking to my friends from treatment. I guess I just feel embarrassed. I don't want to worry them, or burden them. I know some of them are having struggles of their own, and I don't want to make it any worse. I know we have a sisterhood, a bond that I have never known before, but my ED wants me for his own and is pulling me away from them. I feel terrible about that.

I'm also leaning pretty heavily on prayer. I just know God will see me through this. I know He will help me find my way out of this. I know He is going to make me stronger and braver.

Anyway, I have therapy in the morning. I feel like I could talk for hours and hours about everything. I hope I leave feeling somewhat better, and not worse.

Hopefully things will turn around soon.