Relaxing weekend except...

Well, I got home a few hours ago. I was at a mountain resort and spa for the weekend. It was so relaxing. The trees are already changing colors up in the mountains and the air is so much cooler. It was so relaxing and invigorating. When we got up there, we did a little shopping. Everything was so expensive thought. There was a North Face fleece jacket that I really wanted, and a pair of cowboy boots, but there was no way I could afford either. So, maybe I will save up for it.

After that, my sister and I made an appointment at the spa to have a herbal infused mineral bath. Oh my gosh it was so amazing. First, they give you a robe and sandals, and while you are waiting you sit in a steam room. I felt all my pores open up, and it was like my skin was instantly perfect. Okay, not really. After that, someone took me back to a private room. There was a claw footed bath tub filled with 104 degree natural spring water, with minerals and herbs in it. I got in and they had a pillow for my head. They put hot tea bags on my eyes and a cool washcloth on my forehead. I soaked in the tub for 30 minutes. It was heaven. My head was completely cleared of thoughts. I was super relaxed and all my muscles loosened up. I could breathe easier. When I got out I just felt so clean, relaxed, and revived. It was just what I needed.

At the resort there was also an indoor pool. I really wanted to go swimming. I brought my bathing suit, but never put it on. I could not stand to look at my body in a bikini. I did not want anyone else to see it either. And I know I would have felt even worse standing next to my super skinny sister. It's really a shame I have gotten so big. I really hate it, I really hate my body and this whole situation. Last night we got dressed up to go to a fancy dinner. I had bought this really cute dress a few weeks ago at H&M. I put it on and it looked like I had an inner tube around my stomach. I looked huge. I wore black tights beneath it, and I had not worn them since last winter. I could barely get them on. The tights made my stomach bulge look even bigger. My mom took some photos of me and my sister. I look disgusting in them. My face looks so filled out. I shared my feelings with my Mom and she said that I looked that way because I was not a skeleton anymore. I know she's right, but I am just sick about how big I have gotten.

I see my dietitian on Friday. I don't want her to weigh me. I don't want her to see the number on the scale. I don't know how much I weigh, but I don't want her to see my disgusting weight. I know she would never think I was disgusting, but I still don't want her to see.

Sorry I have been so negative lately. I really want to try and turn it around. It's so hard though to be positive about my body. I can tell you how much better I feel, how I don't get dizzy spells, how my skin isn't dry, and all the other things my ED caused. But I just want to be in my weight range. Sigh.

Well I have a busy week ahead of me. My schedule is as follows.

Monday: Work from 11 to 5:30. Group at 7-9
Tuesday: Meeting with my minister at 9:30. Work from 11-5:30
Wednesday: Work from 11 to 5:30. Dinner with Mrs. Robson at 7:30
Thursday: Therapy at 9:30. Work 11 to 5:30.
Friday: Appointment with my dietitian at 10am. Work from 11 to 5:30

Anyway, that's all for now.

crazy is the forecast

I saw both my dietitian and therapist today. It was SO good to see my therapist, SO good. Not seeing her for 2 weeks really made me realize how much I value her support for me. My session with my therapist went well. I wish I could have seen her for 2 hours. We just had so much catching up to do. We talked a lot about my hatred towards my body, and she was trying to get me to see how much muscular I am (not fatter). I believe her, or at least I want to...but I don't see it. If anything I feel like I'm less muscular, and the fattest I have ever been. It's really frustrating to not be able to see what every one else does. We talked about my fears of relapse, and decided I am not relapsing, that recovery is full of ups and downs and right now I am experiencing a down. But we also decided that if I don't get back on track, I am most definitely going to relapse. After catching up today, I know we are going to get into the deeper stuff next week.

Then I had to go back later on in the day to see my dietitian (my therapist and dietitian share an office). I was super, super nervous about seeing my dietitian. I literally prayed to God that my weight did not go up again. I knew if it did I would not handle it well and I honestly don't know how I would have reacted, but I know it would not have been good. She weighed me and I had gone down 1.2lbs....which I know isn't much, but after gaining weight the past 2 months and not knowing why, this came as a relief to me. But, I admitted to my dietitian how I have been skipping a couple meals a day, and I KNOW that is not good and I hate doing it, I really do, and I am determined to get back on track. We made a deal that I would stop skipping meals and would add in 1 hour of exercise every day. I think this a good idea. We talked about how much I loved my body when I was heavily involved in sports. And every one on my team thinks incorporating exercise back into my life would be beneficial, as long as I don't over do it. My dietitian also looked back through my old chart (which is about six inches thick, no lie. The first time I saw her was in 2003). It was really sad to hear the things I have told her over the years, and how until this year, none of it had really changed. So anyway, I go back to my dietitian in a week and a half and hopefully I will have stopped skipping meals.

I left my dietitian's office and needed to get dinner (since I had not eaten all day except a protein bar and craisins). I went to my parent's house and ate a baked potato. I had a pounding headache and felt like I was going to pass out. I was just so weak and miserable and tired. My mom came home and got on my case about how she thinks I need to do more support groups and less therapy and dietitian appointments. It's complete bullshit. She expects me to drop my dietitian after not even 6 months of being out of treatment. She does not know what she is talking about and clearly did not listen to anything the people at Remuda told her. I got irritated and left, because I just couldn't listen to any more of her crap.

I was still hungry but knew if I ate a full meal I was going to purge it. So, I just settled for cereal, and my headache went away and I felt a little more energized. I texted my friend from group, Heather, and told her about everything that went on today. She was so sweet and was so encouraging. And tomorrow we are going to go see a movie and then talk. I am beyond grateful for her!

Tomorrow night I picked up someone's shift, so that will be nice making some extra money. And then Friday my mom said she would take me to the pool. But I have to work all weekend long which sucks. Hopefully I will hear back about the nannying job and can get my schedule straight for the Fall.

Well, that's about it. It's midnight (which is early for me) but I think I'm going to take my meds and go to sleep.