I saw both my dietitian and therapist today. It was SO good to see my therapist, SO good. Not seeing her for 2 weeks really made me realize how much I value her support for me. My session with my therapist went well. I wish I could have seen her for 2 hours. We just had so much catching up to do. We talked a lot about my hatred towards my body, and she was trying to get me to see how much muscular I am (not fatter). I believe her, or at least I want to...but I don't see it. If anything I feel like I'm less muscular, and the fattest I have ever been. It's really frustrating to not be able to see what every one else does. We talked about my fears of relapse, and decided I am not relapsing, that recovery is full of ups and downs and right now I am experiencing a down. But we also decided that if I don't get back on track, I am most definitely going to relapse. After catching up today, I know we are going to get into the deeper stuff next week.
Then I had to go back later on in the day to see my dietitian (my therapist and dietitian share an office). I was super, super nervous about seeing my dietitian. I literally prayed to God that my weight did not go up again. I knew if it did I would not handle it well and I honestly don't know how I would have reacted, but I know it would not have been good. She weighed me and I had gone down 1.2lbs....which I know isn't much, but after gaining weight the past 2 months and not knowing why, this came as a relief to me. But, I admitted to my dietitian how I have been skipping a couple meals a day, and I KNOW that is not good and I hate doing it, I really do, and I am determined to get back on track. We made a deal that I would stop skipping meals and would add in 1 hour of exercise every day. I think this a good idea. We talked about how much I loved my body when I was heavily involved in sports. And every one on my team thinks incorporating exercise back into my life would be beneficial, as long as I don't over do it. My dietitian also looked back through my old chart (which is about six inches thick, no lie. The first time I saw her was in 2003). It was really sad to hear the things I have told her over the years, and how until this year, none of it had really changed. So anyway, I go back to my dietitian in a week and a half and hopefully I will have stopped skipping meals.
I left my dietitian's office and needed to get dinner (since I had not eaten all day except a protein bar and craisins). I went to my parent's house and ate a baked potato. I had a pounding headache and felt like I was going to pass out. I was just so weak and miserable and tired. My mom came home and got on my case about how she thinks I need to do more support groups and less therapy and dietitian appointments. It's complete bullshit. She expects me to drop my dietitian after not even 6 months of being out of treatment. She does not know what she is talking about and clearly did not listen to anything the people at Remuda told her. I got irritated and left, because I just couldn't listen to any more of her crap.
I was still hungry but knew if I ate a full meal I was going to purge it. So, I just settled for cereal, and my headache went away and I felt a little more energized. I texted my friend from group, Heather, and told her about everything that went on today. She was so sweet and was so encouraging. And tomorrow we are going to go see a movie and then talk. I am beyond grateful for her!
Tomorrow night I picked up someone's shift, so that will be nice making some extra money. And then Friday my mom said she would take me to the pool. But I have to work all weekend long which sucks. Hopefully I will hear back about the nannying job and can get my schedule straight for the Fall.
Well, that's about it. It's midnight (which is early for me) but I think I'm going to take my meds and go to sleep.
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