Well, I got home a few hours ago. I was at a mountain resort and spa for the weekend. It was so relaxing. The trees are already changing colors up in the mountains and the air is so much cooler. It was so relaxing and invigorating. When we got up there, we did a little shopping. Everything was so expensive thought. There was a North Face fleece jacket that I really wanted, and a pair of cowboy boots, but there was no way I could afford either. So, maybe I will save up for it.
After that, my sister and I made an appointment at the spa to have a herbal infused mineral bath. Oh my gosh it was so amazing. First, they give you a robe and sandals, and while you are waiting you sit in a steam room. I felt all my pores open up, and it was like my skin was instantly perfect. Okay, not really. After that, someone took me back to a private room. There was a claw footed bath tub filled with 104 degree natural spring water, with minerals and herbs in it. I got in and they had a pillow for my head. They put hot tea bags on my eyes and a cool washcloth on my forehead. I soaked in the tub for 30 minutes. It was heaven. My head was completely cleared of thoughts. I was super relaxed and all my muscles loosened up. I could breathe easier. When I got out I just felt so clean, relaxed, and revived. It was just what I needed.
At the resort there was also an indoor pool. I really wanted to go swimming. I brought my bathing suit, but never put it on. I could not stand to look at my body in a bikini. I did not want anyone else to see it either. And I know I would have felt even worse standing next to my super skinny sister. It's really a shame I have gotten so big. I really hate it, I really hate my body and this whole situation. Last night we got dressed up to go to a fancy dinner. I had bought this really cute dress a few weeks ago at H&M. I put it on and it looked like I had an inner tube around my stomach. I looked huge. I wore black tights beneath it, and I had not worn them since last winter. I could barely get them on. The tights made my stomach bulge look even bigger. My mom took some photos of me and my sister. I look disgusting in them. My face looks so filled out. I shared my feelings with my Mom and she said that I looked that way because I was not a skeleton anymore. I know she's right, but I am just sick about how big I have gotten.
I see my dietitian on Friday. I don't want her to weigh me. I don't want her to see the number on the scale. I don't know how much I weigh, but I don't want her to see my disgusting weight. I know she would never think I was disgusting, but I still don't want her to see.
Sorry I have been so negative lately. I really want to try and turn it around. It's so hard though to be positive about my body. I can tell you how much better I feel, how I don't get dizzy spells, how my skin isn't dry, and all the other things my ED caused. But I just want to be in my weight range. Sigh.
Well I have a busy week ahead of me. My schedule is as follows.
Monday: Work from 11 to 5:30. Group at 7-9
Tuesday: Meeting with my minister at 9:30. Work from 11-5:30
Wednesday: Work from 11 to 5:30. Dinner with Mrs. Robson at 7:30
Thursday: Therapy at 9:30. Work 11 to 5:30.
Friday: Appointment with my dietitian at 10am. Work from 11 to 5:30
Anyway, that's all for now.
Oh Holly, I wish that you didn't hate your body so much. When I saw the pictures your mom took from your vacation you looked gorgeous as always. I am glad that you had a nice, relaxing trip, though. I hope that you can find some ways to help relax you at home with your busy schedule coming up. Lighting a nice candle and turning off the lights always helps me a lot. I'm glad that you're going to your church, I think talking with the pastor will really help you. If anything, it should show you that people are still thinking about you and have your well-being at mind.
ReplyDeleteStay strong and keep up your good work!
ps: you are on day 8 of no self-harm, celebrate it! :)