My hope is restored

I went to the Remuda Ranch sponsored screening of the documentary "America the Beautiful" tonight. I loved the film. I thought it was very informative and factual. Darryl Roberts did a great job with it, and it was an honor to hear him speak about it. I am very excited about his new film coming out in March or April.

After the movie was over, Darryl Roberts spoke a little bit about how he made the film and what it was like for him. He explained how he teamed up with Remuda Ranch to show his film around the country. Next, there was a feature that Remuda Ranch had put together about a woman who had been to Remuda Ranch and is now completely recovered. I sat watching this, having flashbacks of my experience at Remuda, and found myself beginning to cry. Tears my rolled down my cheeks as I thought about how hopeless I felt at my admission date, and how my hope that I can recover from my eating disorder has diminished over the past 7 years. I thought to myself, "Why is it taking me so long? Why have I not been freed from this yet?" And then, as the tears started coming faster and faster, I realized..."I can do this!" I thought back to my discharge date from Remuda, how much hope I had in me at that time, all the tools and skills and lessons from my 4 1/2 months there. I realized tonight, I CAN DO THIS. I AM GOING TO DO THIS. I will beat my eating disorder and I will be free from it. I have to do this. I have to fight.

Afterwards, I went up to one of the Remuda Ranch staff members that was there tonight. I told her how I was coming up on my 7 year anniversary, and even though I have never forgotten my experiences at Remuda, the girls I was there with, the staff that helped me, the tools that I learned and the lessons I took I away from it...I had lost my hope, and my will to fight. I told her..."I'm struggling with figuring out if this is as good as it's going to get. Before tonight, I thought I was hopeless when it came to recovery. " She said, "No. You will get better. You have to keep fighting, you can do this!" She was in tears, I was in tears. I told her, "I have never forgotten Remuda, and everything you did for me, tonight you restored my hope. Thank you"

My hope has been restored. I felt energy within myself for the first time tonight in...such a long time. I feel energy to fight. I cannot tell you how long it has been since I have felt that way. Too long.

It is so ironic that this happened tonight because...I was having one my worst eating disordered days today in a long time. The struggles I had today, are heavily outweighed by what I feel right now...which is hope and energy and faith.

I just sent an email to Remuda Ranch...here is what I said...

I went to the Remuda Ranch sponsored screening of America the Beautiful tonight. I was admitted to Remuda Ranch almost 7 years ago, and since then I have continued to have struggles with my disorder. I left Remuda Ranch with so many skills and lessons and have continued to carry them with me. But continued to be burdened by my disorder. But after tonight I can say that I have found hope again, hope for beating my eating disorder. I lost hope a long time ago, but it was the film, being in the presence of Remuda Ranch staff and alumni, that I found the strength inside of me, the hope that I can beat this. Thank you Remuda Ranch. You saved my life 7 years ago, and tonight, you once again helped restore my hope - Holly

Ick.

You ever get that feeling where you just want to rip your hair out and tear off your skin? I do. A lot actually, especially lately. I have concluded it's just my anxiety manifesting itself into...this.

Yuck.

I have a lot on my mind, not so much into blogging it though.

Edit:
I will blog tomorrow. It is a goal.

Lab work and other things...

I saw my psychiatrist today. He ordered some lab work for me to get done. He thinks I might have a Vitamin D deficiency, along with Anemia. I don't have time to get the labs done until Thursday. If he is right, this would explain all the fatigue, hair loss, bruising, etc.

I had a good appointment with my psychiatrist today. I talked to him a little bit about how I have lost my best friend. How sad it makes me, how angry it makes me, how I am so confused by it all. But I realized that....life changes, people change, you can't stop it. It's just a part of life. So, I have to just be accepting of it, realizing we have moved apart and that I didn't necessarily do anything wrong (that I know of). It's kind of hard and hurtful when someone you have known for 7 years flat out stops communicating with you. I guess I should look at it as a sign that she no longer wants to talk to me or be in my life. Okay then. I guess I don't want someone like that in my life either. Not to be mean or anything, but would you want someone in your life, who didn't want you to be in theirs? At the same time, if she decides she wants me in her life again....I am here. Always.

I guess it's a blessing in a strange sort of way. At the time she left my life, a new person came into my life. And he has been a great friend. So, like the saying goes...when one door closes, another one opens.

I am going to a Remuda Ranch sponsored event here in Richmond on Friday. They are showing the documentary "America the Beautiful". I am pretty excited to see it. It will be cool to go to an event where Remuda Ranch reps will be. My 7 year anniversary of being admitted to Remuda Ranch will be this December. So, I think it is kind of cool to see how far I have come since then.

Songs I've added to my playlist recently:

"Keep the Streets Empty for Me" - Fever Ray
"Mean" - Taylor Swift
"Talula" - Tori Amos
"Haunted" - Taylor Swift
"Lost in the World" - Kanye West

Aspects of Healing

Aspects of Healing. That is the name of the chapter I am currently working on in The Courage to Heal workbook. And I have to say it's the hardest one yet. It asks you questions like..."what were your hopes as a child, and growing up? How were those hopes taken away from you?" It asks you in which ways have you been courageous, and what courageous means to you. There is a writing exercise where you are supposed to write for 20 minutes about how your hopes and dreams as a childhood were affected.

Obviously being abused affected my hopes and dreams. But in the midst of the abuse, I also was dealt the loss of gymnastics. I distinctly remember that entire process. Starting with the day my Mom took me to the sports medicine doctor to get X-rays of my feet, being told I had an injury that would not heal unless I quit the sport altogether, doing physical therapy, ice baths, and STEM treatments every single day, wearing a brace when I wasn't doing gymnastics. I remember it all so well. I remember my last day at gymnastics. How did I feel? I felt nothing. And I continued to feel numb for a whole year.

I guess I am realizing how traumatizing the second half of my 5th grade year was. Being abused, blocking it out because it was so terrible, realizing I was no longer going to be able to do gymnastics, finding out my parents wanted me to switch schools. At the time...I felt absolutely nothing. Today, I feel a very profound grief and sadness.

I wonder why I was so easily able to remember the loss of gymnastics, but blocked out SO much of the abuse. They both happened at the same time, I guess my brain just picked one of them to deal with, and figured I didn't have the energy to deal with the other one.

I am finding it really hard to finish this chapter in my workbook. It makes me so sad and just remembering what I went through, all the shit I went through, at that time...it feels too much.

Emotional Release

I feel such a strong emotional release right now. I had therapy this morning, which went well. I unfortunately am not able to cry in therapy, well not yet at least. So I left therapy feeling good, but at the same time, I held back so many emotions, that it came spilling out just about an hour ago.

The past few days have been pretty intense. I feel a lot of guilt, I feel a lot of...frustration at myself, and also...well just a big bundle of emotions. About an hour ago it was about to surface, and I couldn't think of anything positive to do...except go running. Well guess what? It's freezing outside today and pouring rain. But I went running anyway. And it was actually kind of fun. I ran, and ran, and ran. My clothes are drenched right now. Every time my foot hit the pavement...I imagined a negative emotion or thought hitting the pavement as well. And it worked. I released a lot of aggression, frustration, anxiety and anger. And now I'm sitting on my couch writing this and tears are pouring out of my eyes. Tears of sadness, of confusion, of loneliness, of helplessness, of fear, of everything you can think of. My chest feels heavy. I feel I am carrying such a load.

I think the reason this is all coming out today is because it's my first day off both my jobs in a while. So I have time to think, time to breathe, time to feel. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I actually think it's good because...I know it needed to come out. The tears have stopped now and I'm tired. But I feel better. Emotional release is good.

I still am unsure of how this situation at work is going to turn out. I hope it's positive. I want it to be. And I am going to make sure I do everything that I can do for it to be that way. But if the other person does not want it...then that's okay. At least I know I did what I could.

I am back to therapy every week now, instead of every other week. I don't think it's permanent. I just need it right now to...work intensely on some abuse issues. I have not made up my mind about trying EMDR. But my gut is telling me I should give it a shot.

The self-care has improved a lot. I am eating better, drinking more water, sleeping better, etc. I need to keep this up I want to work on the abuse issues. I can't be dehydrated and exhausted while working through memories.

Today has been a good day, despite the crying, which actually...was good too. I needed to cry. I had a productive therapy session, I had lunch with some great friends, I ran some errands for my Mom, saw my dogs, and bought myself a present. In The Courage to Heal workbook, it says sometimes you need to celebrate something positive you have done. I have worked really hard in therapy and with myself the past week, and today I rewarded myself. I bought some yummy smelling Coconut body butter. I can't wait to use it!

It's almost 4pm and I am about to do a load of laundry, do some cleaning, and then head over to my parent's house for dinner.

I work both jobs tomorrow, but then I am off again all day Saturday. Some family is coming to visit from out of town, so that should be fun.

Tomorrow I am also going to be talking to someone, about something (not wanting to go into specifics on here) But I'm just going to say I am going to keep a level-head, stay calm, but at the same time...speak my mind and my heart and hopefully resolve some issues and feel better in the aftermath.

Okay...so that's my epic blog for today.
Hope everyone is doing well! Thanks for all your support!

Forgiveness

I think I need to forgive. Yes hurtful things were said to me, and in the moment I was seriously scared for my physical safety. But not anymore. I need to forgive. I need to work this out. It's eating me up inside. I don't want to lose this good person in my life. I am thankful for one of my managers at work for helping me realize this.

I have the whole day off work tomorrow. I also have therapy tomorrow. This comes at a good time.

I think after therapy in the morning I am going to have lunch at one of my jobs because my friend is working the bar, then I will go for a run (much needed), run some errands, and of course go see my dogs and take them on a walk.

There's nothing like forgiveness, good friends, a great therapist, exercise, and puppy kisses...it makes everything better.

:)

I don't understand.

I don't understand how someone who I felt so safe around and trusted so much, could turn into a person I am afraid of.

I should not have opened myself up. I should not have trusted. I should not have done the things I did. I have to apologize to myself, because I trusted too much.

My walls are back up.