My hope is restored

I went to the Remuda Ranch sponsored screening of the documentary "America the Beautiful" tonight. I loved the film. I thought it was very informative and factual. Darryl Roberts did a great job with it, and it was an honor to hear him speak about it. I am very excited about his new film coming out in March or April.

After the movie was over, Darryl Roberts spoke a little bit about how he made the film and what it was like for him. He explained how he teamed up with Remuda Ranch to show his film around the country. Next, there was a feature that Remuda Ranch had put together about a woman who had been to Remuda Ranch and is now completely recovered. I sat watching this, having flashbacks of my experience at Remuda, and found myself beginning to cry. Tears my rolled down my cheeks as I thought about how hopeless I felt at my admission date, and how my hope that I can recover from my eating disorder has diminished over the past 7 years. I thought to myself, "Why is it taking me so long? Why have I not been freed from this yet?" And then, as the tears started coming faster and faster, I realized..."I can do this!" I thought back to my discharge date from Remuda, how much hope I had in me at that time, all the tools and skills and lessons from my 4 1/2 months there. I realized tonight, I CAN DO THIS. I AM GOING TO DO THIS. I will beat my eating disorder and I will be free from it. I have to do this. I have to fight.

Afterwards, I went up to one of the Remuda Ranch staff members that was there tonight. I told her how I was coming up on my 7 year anniversary, and even though I have never forgotten my experiences at Remuda, the girls I was there with, the staff that helped me, the tools that I learned and the lessons I took I away from it...I had lost my hope, and my will to fight. I told her..."I'm struggling with figuring out if this is as good as it's going to get. Before tonight, I thought I was hopeless when it came to recovery. " She said, "No. You will get better. You have to keep fighting, you can do this!" She was in tears, I was in tears. I told her, "I have never forgotten Remuda, and everything you did for me, tonight you restored my hope. Thank you"

My hope has been restored. I felt energy within myself for the first time tonight in...such a long time. I feel energy to fight. I cannot tell you how long it has been since I have felt that way. Too long.

It is so ironic that this happened tonight because...I was having one my worst eating disordered days today in a long time. The struggles I had today, are heavily outweighed by what I feel right now...which is hope and energy and faith.

I just sent an email to Remuda Ranch...here is what I said...

I went to the Remuda Ranch sponsored screening of America the Beautiful tonight. I was admitted to Remuda Ranch almost 7 years ago, and since then I have continued to have struggles with my disorder. I left Remuda Ranch with so many skills and lessons and have continued to carry them with me. But continued to be burdened by my disorder. But after tonight I can say that I have found hope again, hope for beating my eating disorder. I lost hope a long time ago, but it was the film, being in the presence of Remuda Ranch staff and alumni, that I found the strength inside of me, the hope that I can beat this. Thank you Remuda Ranch. You saved my life 7 years ago, and tonight, you once again helped restore my hope - Holly