Accepting my body and recovery

I wrote this last night. Wanted to share.

I daydream pretty often about being thin again. Not thin like I was in the couple of months before going away to treatment. But thin like I was 4-5 months ago. Most people might look at me today and say I am still thin, a healthy thin. And maybe I am, but I can't see it yet. I long for that super toned and built body I used to have. And yes, I know dreaming about what my body used to look like is in no way helpful. But honestly, I think I dream more about the day when I love my body and embrace it the way it needs to be. I dream of being able to trust that I will not continue to gain weight and become obese. I do have my good moments though. I sort of like that I actually have boobs now. I am glad I can't see my chest bones anymore. I remember in my first couple of days at Remuda, looking in the mirror, and seeing pretty much every bone in my chest and saying to myself, "That looks gross." I acknowledge that my body is healthy. Although my periods are still screwed up. My fear with that is that they will never be regular again and I won't be able to have children.
So my bones don't stick out like they did for so many years. Well at least I'm not puking everything I eat and having to hold onto the door of my shower so I don't pass out while washing my hair. Yes, I still hear ED talking to me, but I also am able to form complete thoughts and my brain works the way it's supposed to. What's that quote? "Pulling my head out of the toilet and gaining weight was the smartest thing I've ever done." So true, and also the hardest thing I've ever done.
I've had professionals tell me that full recovery is possible. So much of me wants to argue that. But I realize that believing in full recovery, believing in myself, is really my only option. These past two weeks I have come close many times to throwing in the towel and saying, "You know what ED? You can have me back." I think what kept me from doing that was the encouragement from my therapist and dietitian, and also from remembering the hell I lived in when I used behaviors on a daily basis. I also really want to one day spread awareness of eating disorders, but I can't do that unless I am recovered. I want to tell my story, where at the end I can say, "I am recovered". I think the pros of recovery, far outweigh the so-called pros of an eating disorder.
So, I think it is pretty simple what I need to do, even though it feels super complicated. I have to feed myself the way my dietitian tells me. I have to continue to be honest and open. I have to do things that make me feel good about myself. I have to form an identity outside of my eating disorder. I have to believe in myself and find my inner strength and wisdom. I'm pretty confident that in doing all of this...I will recover.