I sort of got in trouble with my dietitian at my appointment tonight. It felt horrible. She had had me write down my food for last week, and I knew I didn't do a good job. In fact, I did pretty terrible. I could tell she was...frustrated. Not mad though, she never gets mad at me. But, tonight she came pretty close. One night last week I had a bag of popcorn for a snack. When she saw that on my food journal she asked what kind of popcorn. I told her it was fat-free. I could see the frustration in her reaction and it stung. I was confused at our session. Because, she told me last week that she didn't know why I was gaining weight. Tonight she said that she doesn't know what my weight is supposed to be. And she also told me that I am not going to gain any more weight. Well, if she doesn't know why I am gaining weight, then how does she know I am not going to gain anymore? I didn't say this, maybe I should though. She said that it wouldn't be bad thing if lost a little bit of weight, but that I can't use behaviors. I told her I didn't know any other way. I just felt so defeated sitting in her office tonight. I was so aware of the way my body looked and felt and it was so uncomfortable. I shed a few tears and it sucked. My dietitian seemed really, really concerned about me. Talking about how worried she was about my brain because I was starving it, how I have not been hungry lately, and I have little to no energy. She said she is worried that if I keep going down this road, that I am going to starve my brain so much that I get stuck back in ED and relapse. But she did say that this is the closest to being recovered as I have ever been. Too bad I'm about to screw it up again. Anyway, she is so concerned that she wants to see me again on Friday. I was sort of surprised when she said that. She gave me a plan I am supposed to follow the next 4 days. Right now it feels near impossible, but I am going to give it a shot.
Not much else is going on. Hoping my week gets better starting tomorrow. I know it's up to me and only me to make the right choices with my food. I am having dinner with my second mom on Wednesday and then I am helping set up with the eating disorder event on Thursday night. So I am looking forward to those two things!
I will update later on in the week.
sounds like a lot of confusion and miss communication with her. Can u get a new dietitian?
ReplyDeleteI am sad that you tagged this as relapse :(
ReplyDeleteThat's NOT HAPPENING. I won't let it!!
I had a point when I was doing the same thing you are right now, what I ended up having to do was have my mom stay home with me to make sure I was sticking with my meal plan no matter how much I hated it. Do you have someone who could do this for you?
I know it's kind of embarrassing to have to do that, it made me feel so much like a child, but if that's what you have to do to keep yourself from relapsing, then you need to by all means.
You need to realize that it's great that you are being honest. When I was engaging in ED behaviors I was telling everyone that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and I had no idea why I was losing weight. You are honest and are telling your dietitian exactly what you are doing, so a part of you definitely wants to stop this pattern of behavior.
This will all work out, don't worry :)