scream

Today was such a fucking mess.

I woke up and I was SO tired and SO anxious. I forced myself to take a shower and make myself look presentable. I headed off to therapy. I had a lot on my mind. My therapist asked how I have been doing with my food and I told her the truth...that I have been struggling. Her response was short and to the point..."You need to get back on track." She's right...but it still stung. I should have said why I have been struggling. But she didn't ask and I didn't offer. My fault. I told her how discouraged and defeated I have felt towards my recovery lately. She said she truly believes full recovery is possible for me, that I am no different or any more messed up than anyone else. It felt good to hear her belief in me. I know that recovery is a long road, and that it will take a while. And deep down I know I can do it. It's just been really hard to believe in myself lately.
Therapy brought up a lot of emotions that I just was tired of dealing with and it was just overwhelming and it sucked.

After therapy I went to Starbucks to get some coffee to wake myself up. But with all that caffeine, I still didn't wake up enough. I struggled through my shift at the restaurant. I was so low on energy and motivation. My co-workers noticed it. I was not hungry at all. But I knew I needed to order something to eat before going to nanny. I settled for a cup of chili. I went to my nannying job and my anxiety was just continuing to climb. After work I went home and changed and re-applied make-up to get ready for the event at the art gallery. My second mom texted me and told me she was only going to be able to stay for a half hour, so that was a bummer. My anxiety was climbing and so I took a Xanax to calm myself down. I got to the art gallery and bought our tickets and waited for Mrs. Robson. The event was really cool. I admired the courageous women who told their stories and believed that, I too, could one day come to a place of healing with my trauma. Mrs. Robson left and I was sitting by myself, which was fine. I wish she could have stuck around longer so we had a chance to talk, but I think we are having dinner next week. My therapist was at the event too. But I didn't talk to her other than to say hello. I think that would have been kind of awkward to have a casual conversation with my therapist out in public. My friend Karen was there and it was good to chat with her for a little bit, and a girl from my group was there too and we talked some as well. But there really wasn't a lot of time for talking because they had a bunch of speakers. There was a Q&A at the end and I was moved to tears when the speakers continued to tell the details of their stories and how they have come to heal. It gave me hope, but also left me with sadness. I was triggered a little bit, but not as much as I thought. I thought the event was going to focus more on sexual abuse, but instead it focused more on domestic violence and partner abuse. I would have liked to have heard a woman tell her story about sexual abuse. But oh well.

Anyway, I came home and was still really anxious and just pissed off at life. I ate my dinner, sort of. Whatever. This day is done and I can start over tomorrow.