thoughts

Well today sucked. I was leaving work to go to my next job. I guess I didn't look behind me before I backed out and I ran into someone else who was backing out. The woman got out of her car and started screaming and cursing at me. Her daughter and grandchild were also in the car. She wanted to call the cops just to report the accident, but they couldn't come to the accident because it was in a parking lot, and not a busy road or street. I called the mom of the kids I babysit to tell her I might be late to the bus stop. She asked if I was okay and I started crying. I felt stupid. I didn't want to cry. But it was like, when you try so hard not to cry that you make this weird face and cry anyway. I just couldn't stop crying. It was just a scary situation and I felt stupid for not looking before I backed out. The damage to the other persons car wasn't too bad, and I only had a minor scrape on my Jeep. We exchanged insurance information and I went on to the bus stop because there was still time before the bus got there. One of the other moms, who my boss had already called and told I might be late...saw my bloodshot eyes and my splotchy face and asked if I was okay and I started crying again and she pulled me into a hug. I just had to take lots of deep breaths before I stopped crying. I was so upset that I was not hungry at all. I managed to eat some of my lunch, but probably not enough. When Jane (my boss, the mom) got home she had brought a flower with her to give to me. It was so sweet!

I'm just...frustrated with food right now. I feel like I will never be able to eat as well as I did in treatment and the couple of months after. I want to eat normally. Yet sometimes I feel like I get so full so fast, that it's impossible to finish my meal. I have cravings for food, specific food sometimes, yet the ED part of my brain tells me that I should settle for a salad instead of a sandwich. Sometimes I want a root beer instead of water or diet coke, so I settle for a water because my ED tells me to. I love ice cream and chocolate, but ED won't let me have it whenever I want it. Because I am still gaining weight (when I don't even need to) I am scared of eating things that are normal. Am I restricting? Yes. Any dietitian would say I am. It's not enough to lose weight, and while that shouldn't be an excuse, it's a failure to ED. I should not give ED so much power. I am stronger than him. I don't want to be at the weight I was pre-treatment, but I do not see the possibility of accepting my body at the weight it is now, which is a good 20-30lbs heavier than 8 months ago. I know that food is just a symptom. And I know the reasons behind my symptoms. But does anyone else feel like eating disorders are so much more complicated than feeling bad about something and using behaviors to cope with it? I just feel like there are so many factors and so many feelings and emotions and just SO much that goes on and it's like...people really recovery fully? How? For me, it just feels so...crazy. Impossible? Maybe. When you have lived with a brain like mine for as long as I have, full recovery seems pretttty impossible. I think I might pose a question to my therapist and dietitian. Do they think full recovery is possible for me? If so, what exactly do I need to do, to achieve that? I want them to tell me what they truly think, and not just what they are supposed to say.

Well, that's all that's on my mind right now. I'm feeling a lot better since last night. My sore throat is gone, I'm not achy all over, and I don't feel feverish. I'm just really congested and tired. But at least it's getting better.

I will write more on Thursday!