Today makes 1 days without purging. Honestly, it was really fucking hard. In my head, if I wasn't going to purge, then I had to eat a "safe" amount. Which translates into major restricting. Lunch actually wasn't as horrible as I thought. I feel like I tolerated it pretty well, not feeling too much anxiety. But dinner was a different story. I felt really hungry. But I was super, super anxious about eating so much that I felt full, and then wanting to purge. So I ate barely anything. I apologize if this is triggering. I try really hard to not use specific foods, calories, numbers.
I saw my primary doctor this morning. I said in my last blog post that I was going to do a blind weight. Well, that didn't happen. I looked at my weight, and was kind of surprised. I honestly expected it to be higher. Oh well. I told my doctor a little bit about what has been going on. She was super supportive. I get the feeling she doesn't know much about eating disorders, but she didn't say anything that was harmful, thank God. She seemed concerned, enough to order blood work. She offered her support and wants me back in 6 months, pending the blood work results, but said she is there for me if I need to see her before then.
Quite honestly I am worried about my physical state. Although I have only purged a few times, I can feel the toll it has taken on my body, combined with the restricting. It scares me. I'm scared of passing out at work, especially around the kids, or passing out while driving or in the shower. I'm scared of something going wrong with my heart. This should be motivation enough to get back on track. Wrong. In my head I feel like I have to continue doing what I'm doing in order to prove my my treatment team that I am hurting and having a really hard time with a lot of different things. They have told me time and time again that I never need to prove to them my pain. And then there's the thought that, "well once I get down to x amount of pounds, then I can go back to doing well with my meal plan." That's a bunch of bullshit and I know it.
I do feel like I have a good idea of what I need to do to get back on track. Anxiety is a huge factor for why I am struggling so much. My dietitian gave me a light exercise plan to try out in hopes of lowering my anxiety. My therapist mentioned something I might do to help with trauma stuff, haven't mind up my mind about that yet though. I increased one of my anxiety medications and hopefully that will help as well. I just need to use my tools, pull out my Remuda binder, keep writing in my journal, and reaching out for help to those who can help me. Although, the trick is actually doing all of these things.
So, yeah. I'm just having really shitty time right now and I suck.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
I have to stop.
I have to stop what I am doing. I HAVE to.
I have started purging again and I had forgotten how addictive it was. I have to stop or this is going to get REALLY bad REALLY fast.
I mean, what am I doing? I know what's going to happen if I continue to do this.
I will lose weight (which is what my ED wants) but I will compromise my health. I could possibly lose my job. I will push away friends (which I am already doing). I could end up in the hospital. I could die.
The anxiety is intense and overwhelming. I put together a plan with my treatment team and I need to start following it.
My dietitian said that I can't keep doing what I am doing, that something will happen to cause me to stop, that I will eventually have a physical or emotional meltdown. That will be a scary meltdown and I don't like to think of what it would be like.
I see my primary doctor tomorrow for follow-up on my migraines. I don't know what I'm going to tell her about how I'm doing with recovery. I don't know if I should say anything about it. My psychiatrist already ordered blood work for me and I will get that done tomorrow as well. I didn't look at my weight at my dietitian appointment yesterday and I am terrified of seeing it at the doctor tomorrow. I will have to make myself do a blind weight.
I am in the arms of the eating disorder right now and I HAVE to get myself out of it.
I have started purging again and I had forgotten how addictive it was. I have to stop or this is going to get REALLY bad REALLY fast.
I mean, what am I doing? I know what's going to happen if I continue to do this.
I will lose weight (which is what my ED wants) but I will compromise my health. I could possibly lose my job. I will push away friends (which I am already doing). I could end up in the hospital. I could die.
The anxiety is intense and overwhelming. I put together a plan with my treatment team and I need to start following it.
My dietitian said that I can't keep doing what I am doing, that something will happen to cause me to stop, that I will eventually have a physical or emotional meltdown. That will be a scary meltdown and I don't like to think of what it would be like.
I see my primary doctor tomorrow for follow-up on my migraines. I don't know what I'm going to tell her about how I'm doing with recovery. I don't know if I should say anything about it. My psychiatrist already ordered blood work for me and I will get that done tomorrow as well. I didn't look at my weight at my dietitian appointment yesterday and I am terrified of seeing it at the doctor tomorrow. I will have to make myself do a blind weight.
I am in the arms of the eating disorder right now and I HAVE to get myself out of it.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Spiral
You know, I'm not even sure how to write this post. There is a lot I want to say, but I'm not going to say all of it.
I have been on a downward spiral. I can't really figure out why or what started it. I do have my suspicions. I guess what's important is not what causes this spiral, but how I can get myself out of it. But with this downward spiral, my sense of how to help myself seems to have escaped me. I can think of several ways to dig myself out of this. I KNOW what to do. But it's like I have lost the ability to do it. I think that's one of the most frustration things about myself. That I know what I need to do, or should do, or have to do, but I can't get myself to actually do it. I struggle with this lack of motivation in pretty much every aspect of my life. It's beyond frustrating.
Eating has been horrible. And you know, it doesn't help that I purged for the first time in a year. I can't even believe I did it, but I totally saw it coming. I haven't told anyone about it yet, not even my treatment team/support system. I am ashamed. I know there will be disappointment and frustration all around from everyone. I know I will hear, "You aren't letting me down, you are letting yourself down."
I feel like I need to pretend I'm back at Remuda again. Eat my meals, eat snacks if I need to, replenish with Gatorade.
I struggle A LOT with not having an appetite. Largely due to my anxiety, if not that being the main cause. I tend to make "excuses" for skipping meals or restricting, saying that I just wasn't hungry. I never thought that was a good enough reason, but I let myself get away with it. Now I'm beginning to realize that my hunger cues aren't going to come back by themselves. Maybe I need to force myself to eat even though my appetite is non existent. In my own personal experience, that has to be the most uncomfortable feeling ever. Eating when you are not hungry. But at the same time, that's how recovery is done sometimes.
I feel like I have been a major bitch lately, mostly to my parents and I feel awful about that. But I can't tell them what's going on (even though they probably suspect something). I don't want to worry them, and I don't want the endless questions and looks of frustration. It will not help me. I am definitely pulling away from my friends. I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I have been having struggling with feeling lonely because I feel like at least 3 of my good friends have pulled away from me. Isolation is so dangerous for me. But I don't want to burden people, I don't want to be a disappointment and I don't want to trigger people.
My immune system is absolute crap right now. I have been sick for 2 1/2 weeks. I can't get rid of this virus, which has turned into tonsillitis now. Not eating and the one-time purge is not helping...I know this.
Next week is full of appointments and such. I guess it's a good thing since I have seemed to be falling apart lately. I'm not really looking forward to the massive amounts of talking about feelings that will be going on, but perhaps I will gain some insight and clarity, and get myself back on track.
But for now, I need to take things one day at a time I think. Try not to get ahead of myself and dwell on the future, or the past for that matter. I can't lose all the progress I have made this year. I would be devastated if that happened. I need to get it together.
I have been on a downward spiral. I can't really figure out why or what started it. I do have my suspicions. I guess what's important is not what causes this spiral, but how I can get myself out of it. But with this downward spiral, my sense of how to help myself seems to have escaped me. I can think of several ways to dig myself out of this. I KNOW what to do. But it's like I have lost the ability to do it. I think that's one of the most frustration things about myself. That I know what I need to do, or should do, or have to do, but I can't get myself to actually do it. I struggle with this lack of motivation in pretty much every aspect of my life. It's beyond frustrating.
Eating has been horrible. And you know, it doesn't help that I purged for the first time in a year. I can't even believe I did it, but I totally saw it coming. I haven't told anyone about it yet, not even my treatment team/support system. I am ashamed. I know there will be disappointment and frustration all around from everyone. I know I will hear, "You aren't letting me down, you are letting yourself down."
I feel like I need to pretend I'm back at Remuda again. Eat my meals, eat snacks if I need to, replenish with Gatorade.
I struggle A LOT with not having an appetite. Largely due to my anxiety, if not that being the main cause. I tend to make "excuses" for skipping meals or restricting, saying that I just wasn't hungry. I never thought that was a good enough reason, but I let myself get away with it. Now I'm beginning to realize that my hunger cues aren't going to come back by themselves. Maybe I need to force myself to eat even though my appetite is non existent. In my own personal experience, that has to be the most uncomfortable feeling ever. Eating when you are not hungry. But at the same time, that's how recovery is done sometimes.
I feel like I have been a major bitch lately, mostly to my parents and I feel awful about that. But I can't tell them what's going on (even though they probably suspect something). I don't want to worry them, and I don't want the endless questions and looks of frustration. It will not help me. I am definitely pulling away from my friends. I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I have been having struggling with feeling lonely because I feel like at least 3 of my good friends have pulled away from me. Isolation is so dangerous for me. But I don't want to burden people, I don't want to be a disappointment and I don't want to trigger people.
My immune system is absolute crap right now. I have been sick for 2 1/2 weeks. I can't get rid of this virus, which has turned into tonsillitis now. Not eating and the one-time purge is not helping...I know this.
Next week is full of appointments and such. I guess it's a good thing since I have seemed to be falling apart lately. I'm not really looking forward to the massive amounts of talking about feelings that will be going on, but perhaps I will gain some insight and clarity, and get myself back on track.
But for now, I need to take things one day at a time I think. Try not to get ahead of myself and dwell on the future, or the past for that matter. I can't lose all the progress I have made this year. I would be devastated if that happened. I need to get it together.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Limbo
I kind of feel like I'm in limbo, like I'm stuck there. I KNOW what I need to do. But it is not that easy. I feel like I'm moving backwards. I've been restricting. I have come dangerously close to purging. I hate to admit it, but yes I have been trying to lose weight. I don't want to be triggering by saying that. It's just the truth. And at least I can admit that those are my intentions.
I am going to be honest with my treatment team about all this, because I truly do want to stay in recovery. And as much as I feel guilty about needing help right now, I am going to ask for it.
Sometimes I feel like my treatment team are pressuring me to be more independent, not that there is anything wrong with that. And I admit that I do need to learn how to deal with some things on my own without frantically having to text one of them. But when I think about that, and how there are times (like now) when I truly need their help, I feel guilty. I need their help, but I just picture them saying to themselves, "Gosh, she needs my help AGAIN?"
I have been really, really lonely. I feel like a lot of the people I used to be close with have pulled away from me. I know that people change, including myself, but it still doesn't discount the fact that I am lonely and I miss people. But while that has happened, I have formed closer relationships with other people, and re-connected and gotten closer with friends that for a while maybe I myself pulled away from. I reached out to one of the women in my group and we had dinner a couple weeks ago and that was awesome. My friend Sarah helped talk me through a really hard time last night and I am so grateful for her.
I was on vacation last week, and while I was sick for half the week, it was so nice to get away from work and appointments. I got a tan which has helped my body image a little bit. I also was able to get A TON of journaling done while I was there. I am anxious to share it with my treatment team, because a lot of what I wrote are things I have been bottling up for a while now. I hope I can feel better once I share it with them.
That's pretty much what is going on. I'm anxious for my upcoming appointments, and hoping they don't make me feel worse. I am praying for clarity and strength.
I am going to be honest with my treatment team about all this, because I truly do want to stay in recovery. And as much as I feel guilty about needing help right now, I am going to ask for it.
Sometimes I feel like my treatment team are pressuring me to be more independent, not that there is anything wrong with that. And I admit that I do need to learn how to deal with some things on my own without frantically having to text one of them. But when I think about that, and how there are times (like now) when I truly need their help, I feel guilty. I need their help, but I just picture them saying to themselves, "Gosh, she needs my help AGAIN?"
I have been really, really lonely. I feel like a lot of the people I used to be close with have pulled away from me. I know that people change, including myself, but it still doesn't discount the fact that I am lonely and I miss people. But while that has happened, I have formed closer relationships with other people, and re-connected and gotten closer with friends that for a while maybe I myself pulled away from. I reached out to one of the women in my group and we had dinner a couple weeks ago and that was awesome. My friend Sarah helped talk me through a really hard time last night and I am so grateful for her.
I was on vacation last week, and while I was sick for half the week, it was so nice to get away from work and appointments. I got a tan which has helped my body image a little bit. I also was able to get A TON of journaling done while I was there. I am anxious to share it with my treatment team, because a lot of what I wrote are things I have been bottling up for a while now. I hope I can feel better once I share it with them.
That's pretty much what is going on. I'm anxious for my upcoming appointments, and hoping they don't make me feel worse. I am praying for clarity and strength.
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