all over the place

I want to be positive. I want to have hope. But I feel so fucked up right now. My emotions are right on the surface and I'm having a hell of a time managing them. I feel stupid. I uncovered a new memory yesterday. It's been...horrible. I feel sick and shaky and lost. I haven't been taking care of myself, not at all. I need to get back on track with food, with self care. I feel dizzy and malnourished and sick. It's 11pm and my stomach is screaming. I have no food in my house, which means I need to run out and get something.

I'm lost. How do I get myself back?

a lesson from the lion king

Simba:"Oww. Jeez... What was that for?
Rafiki: It doesn't matter, it's in the past.
Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.
Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it." - The Lion King

let it go

I think now, more than ever, I need to just fucking let all of it go. Maybe there are still things that I need to talk about, to process, to not feel ashamed of. But I need to let go. I need to embrace who I am now, who I want to be. And let go of who I was then, the things I did back then. Do I have regrets? Of course. But life's a journey, you make mistakes. What you have to do is learn from them and move on. I feel that for me, in order to move, I need to keep writing. I ask myself, what is holding me back the most right now? The answer is fear. Fear that started a decade ago and has stayed with me. Fear keeps me from being myself, from opening up, feeling everything that I need to feel. I need to let go of fear. I need to trust, I need to face my demons, and not let them swallow me. I need to be the bigger person, take control of my life and live it the way it should be lived. I think about my abuser often, the things he did to me. I question my actions when I remember everything he did to me. I need to stop beating myself up. And I will. I will do all of these things. Some of them I am already doing. I need to stop asking myself, "Well, am I ready?" Of course I am.

come back

It doesn't take much. It can be a certain look, a smell, a sound, a touch, even safe touch...can trigger the past. You can't help it. It just comes. And just like that, you are back in time. Back in that room, and it seems as if it's happening all over again. You have to get back in the present though. You have to imagine yourself fighting back, and walking away, or running. Maybe running is better. Imagine taking control, taking your power back. You are safe, you are okay. It's over.

good will hunting

I watched this movie recently. This part of the movie really hit a nerve in me, not sure why.


Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You're an orphan right?
[Will nods]
Sean: You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.


this part gets me too. but I know why. I wish I could break down and realize...it wasn't my fault. but i still think it is.

i miss gymnastics

this is me, not very good, last spring

school and things

It's that time of the year again, when school is starting back. In the past week I have been asked several times "Oh are you getting ready to go back to school?" I take a deep breath and explain that, No I'm not in school, I have my associate's degree, and lie to people and tell them that I am getting ready to take my MA certification test. In truth, I have unearthed my certification study book from a box in my house, but haven't opened it. I'm scared to take this test. Scared to fail, like I did the last time I took it. I question all the time whether or not it would be the right thing to get back into the health care field, or if I really want it. After the heartbreak of losing the best job I ever had last October, I catch myself wondering if it would be worth it to take the test again and applying for jobs. And also, am I really cut out for it? I am much healthier than I was a year ago, no longer in the midst of a full blown relapse. I still do have passion for health care, I still want to go to nursing school one day, but fear holds me back. I'm not really sure what I want to do. The test costs a bunch of money, and so if I decide to take it, I have to be serious about it.

I need an outlet. Writing has always been an outlet. But I feel stuck with it. I love to write, but what do I write about? I have found myself being lost in music lately. Listening to the words and just completely relating to them or to something that's going on in my life. This weekend I think I am going to buy a canvas and some paint and just go crazy. I need to let these emotions out.

I have had very little to zero energy lately, emotionally and physically. My brain is working overtime. There is so much to think about, to process. I'm exhausted. I know it doesn't help being malnourished. Obviously I need to do something about that. The past couple of days at work have been a struggle to get through. My body and my brain do not want to cooperate. I hate feeling this way. My head needs a break.

quote of the day...

"The real struggle is about you: you, a person who has to learn to live in the real world, to inhabit her own skin, to know her own heart, to stop waiting for life to begin."