Soul Restoration begins today. I could not be more excited! I wish it had snowed so I did not have to go to work and could have devoted my whole day to this, but I will find time.
If you don't know what I am talking about...I insist you take a look!
http://bravegirlsclub.com/
I can not seem to shake this dizziness and lightheadedness I have been experiencing for several days now. It's scary, and...I know it must relate to that fact that I have not been eating well. I really need to get on that. But along with the dizziness has come nausea. I just...ugh...need to push through it.
There is so much in my head, so much I don't want to think about, so therefore...so much I am forcing myself to not think about. I don't know how to write right now.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
You have been my friend
My very best friend is moving, and it hurts. I know he is following his dreams and is doing what is best for him and really I could not be happier and more excited for him, because I know he is going to be successful in all the ways he wants and dreams to be. He deserves the very best.
But the reality that he is moving to a different state, possibly to the other side of the country...has really set in. Maybe for a long time I chose not to believe that he was really serious when he said he would be moving. Now I know he is.
The truth is, I needed all of my destructive behaviors so much less when I met him. For someone like me who is admittingly selfish and wrapped up inside myself...I saw what was outside of me. I saw what life had to offer me. I found an amazing friend, probably the best friend I have ever had. To all my other co-workers that have worked with him since August, he might just be another person that has flown in and out of Panera. But to me, I feel like I will be losing a piece of me.
My biggest fear (Fear: his least favorite word) is that I will lose touch with him when he moves, and we won't be as close. It's going to be so difficult to go from....seeing this person 5 days a week...to not at all. I wonder if he thinks these things as well.
One of my favorite childhood movies, that still makes me cry everytime I see it, has a quote in it that pretty much sums up what this person has meant to me. I have had many, many supportive people in my life, throughout my life. But this is the FIRST person, that has broken me out of my shell. He is the "first" in many senses, but I am a different person since meeting him...a better person.
The quote is...
"You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing." - Charlotte's Web
He still IS my friend, and ALWAYS will be. But like the quote says...to me it has been so tremendous what he has meant to me and provided me with.
But the reality that he is moving to a different state, possibly to the other side of the country...has really set in. Maybe for a long time I chose not to believe that he was really serious when he said he would be moving. Now I know he is.
The truth is, I needed all of my destructive behaviors so much less when I met him. For someone like me who is admittingly selfish and wrapped up inside myself...I saw what was outside of me. I saw what life had to offer me. I found an amazing friend, probably the best friend I have ever had. To all my other co-workers that have worked with him since August, he might just be another person that has flown in and out of Panera. But to me, I feel like I will be losing a piece of me.
My biggest fear (Fear: his least favorite word) is that I will lose touch with him when he moves, and we won't be as close. It's going to be so difficult to go from....seeing this person 5 days a week...to not at all. I wonder if he thinks these things as well.
One of my favorite childhood movies, that still makes me cry everytime I see it, has a quote in it that pretty much sums up what this person has meant to me. I have had many, many supportive people in my life, throughout my life. But this is the FIRST person, that has broken me out of my shell. He is the "first" in many senses, but I am a different person since meeting him...a better person.
The quote is...
"You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing." - Charlotte's Web
He still IS my friend, and ALWAYS will be. But like the quote says...to me it has been so tremendous what he has meant to me and provided me with.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Stupid
I'm being forced by my parents to cut back to therapy every other week. They can't afford it, and neither can I. They can't even afford it if I pay HALF. I am so pissed off. All of those years I wasted my parent's money for therapy that I wasn't even using to make me better. I never really wanted to get better all of those years. And NOW I DO...and I can't do it the way I want to because of stupid money issues. And my mom was like, "Well I don't want to have to work just so I have to pay for your therapy. I mean you don't even need therapy every week. You don't think you can do without it, that's your whole problem. You want to stay sick!" BULLSHIT. I have never worked SO hard in my entire life at something. I am working two jobs, forming friendships, giving recovery a shot, hell...giving it more of a shot. I am committed to doing it. I am actually talking about things in therapy that matter, after years of talking about the stupidest shit that got me no where but further down into a hole. I know I know...it's not like they are completely cutting me off from therapy, but damnit they don't understand that I am ready to do this, to do life, and now I can't fucking do it the way I want to, even the way I need to right now.
And then my negativity takes over and it's like...well what's the fucking point in therapy? My parents don't think I need it so why don't I just quit, so they will finally be happy and they can use the money on something "better" like spring break trips that I don't have time to go on because I am working two jobs, and stupid other things.
I mean really, why can't I just do this all by myself? What is the problem?
You may ask, why don't I just explain all of this to my parents? Because it doesn't fucking matter. They still can't afford it and they still won't get it, they never have and they never will.
What's the point anymore? I don't even know.
And then my negativity takes over and it's like...well what's the fucking point in therapy? My parents don't think I need it so why don't I just quit, so they will finally be happy and they can use the money on something "better" like spring break trips that I don't have time to go on because I am working two jobs, and stupid other things.
I mean really, why can't I just do this all by myself? What is the problem?
You may ask, why don't I just explain all of this to my parents? Because it doesn't fucking matter. They still can't afford it and they still won't get it, they never have and they never will.
What's the point anymore? I don't even know.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
panic attack
I had the worst panic attack today that I have had in a long, long time. I think I almost passed out, and I almost threw up too. My eyes were pouring out tears and it was so difficult to see my phone to text my therapist what was going on.
Thing is, I had therapy this morning. I left feeling okay, and grounded, and all that good stuff. 4 hours later I am gripping my bathroom sink , gasping for air, but my lungs and throat are so dry that I'm coughing and dry heaving.
Therapy was hard, which is probably what triggered this panic attack. We talked about how I need to get back on track with food, and not wait until January 28 for my appointment with my dietitian. I need to start now. She told me how many calories I need to be eating. I know it's a reasonable amount, but it is SO much compared to what I am eating now. She told me I needed to go to the grocery store and buy food for my house (something I haven't done in months).
Anywho, it just got me really overwhelmed. And the panic attack came on SO fast. I didn't even feel it coming, it was just there all of a sudden and it.was.hell.
What was going through my head? This eating disorder is bigger than me. There is SO much I have to do to recover. How can I do this? Will I be able to do this? How do people do this? This is too much. So...that's what led to my panic attack.
I somehow, through my eyes flooded with tears, was able to text my therapist. She told me to take deep breaths, and I did. And the panic attack faded away. But the aftermath...I hate it. I get super shaky, my teeth chatter, and my whole body shakes...but I'm breathing normally again.
And so, I picked myself up off of the floor, looked in the mirror, and my face was stained with eyeliner and mascara, my eyes were all bloodshot, and I looked like hell. But I had survived my panic attack. And I really truly honestly thought that I was going to die in the midst of it.
My therapist encouraged me to do something to ground myself. So I straightened my hair. With hair as thick, curly, and as long as mine...it took a while. So I finished doing that and now I'm feeling better. I'm writing this and I'm watching a movie. Dinner later tonight with the 'rents. Work one job tomorrow. And then I will go to the grocery store.
And then going to D.C. on Saturday for the night.
I can do this.
Thing is, I had therapy this morning. I left feeling okay, and grounded, and all that good stuff. 4 hours later I am gripping my bathroom sink , gasping for air, but my lungs and throat are so dry that I'm coughing and dry heaving.
Therapy was hard, which is probably what triggered this panic attack. We talked about how I need to get back on track with food, and not wait until January 28 for my appointment with my dietitian. I need to start now. She told me how many calories I need to be eating. I know it's a reasonable amount, but it is SO much compared to what I am eating now. She told me I needed to go to the grocery store and buy food for my house (something I haven't done in months).
Anywho, it just got me really overwhelmed. And the panic attack came on SO fast. I didn't even feel it coming, it was just there all of a sudden and it.was.hell.
What was going through my head? This eating disorder is bigger than me. There is SO much I have to do to recover. How can I do this? Will I be able to do this? How do people do this? This is too much. So...that's what led to my panic attack.
I somehow, through my eyes flooded with tears, was able to text my therapist. She told me to take deep breaths, and I did. And the panic attack faded away. But the aftermath...I hate it. I get super shaky, my teeth chatter, and my whole body shakes...but I'm breathing normally again.
And so, I picked myself up off of the floor, looked in the mirror, and my face was stained with eyeliner and mascara, my eyes were all bloodshot, and I looked like hell. But I had survived my panic attack. And I really truly honestly thought that I was going to die in the midst of it.
My therapist encouraged me to do something to ground myself. So I straightened my hair. With hair as thick, curly, and as long as mine...it took a while. So I finished doing that and now I'm feeling better. I'm writing this and I'm watching a movie. Dinner later tonight with the 'rents. Work one job tomorrow. And then I will go to the grocery store.
And then going to D.C. on Saturday for the night.
I can do this.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
eating disorder
I think I have been in a certain level of denial about my eating disorder lately. I thought my food intake was normal for me and I wasn't losing weight, so what's the big deal? But now I realize that, with the anemia, the dizzy spells, and most recently...the chest pain...that I am not eating enough. In fact I eat way way too little. This is why I want to get a meal plan and see my dietitian and get back on track. Yes I want to get back into recovery...but I am terrified too.
I just...have such an unhealthy relationship with food. Some of the things I do...are not normal. And I feel like I have to be so secretive. I have not purged in almost 4 months, but I have come SO close lately. Two nights ago I ate a whole pizza by myself (binge) and it took everything I had inside of me not to purge. I had to text my therapist for encouragement. I did not end up purging, but I felt so sick and so huge
I hate, hate using numbers and I won't use them in my blog. But my caloric intake is low, way too low. I never have really been a calorie counter in the past, but I have become one over the past few months.
I don't know what my diagnosis at this point would be. I know initially when my eating disorder started 7 years ago it was ED-NOS. At one point I was anorexic, and at one point I was purging daily, but it wasn't binge and purge. Right now, I don't know what I am. I'm not purging, so nothing bulimic. But I'm not underweight either (at least not that I'm aware of).
Anyway, I'm just ready to get back on track. Because my physical symptoms are scaring me. And anytime food is involved, I feel totally consumed by ED. And I'm sick of it. I'm just scared, and I'm just ready to move on.
I realize this was a rant, and some of it may have been triggering to you. Sorry if that was the case. I need to deal with my eating disorder head on, and I feel like there has been a certain level of avoidance, that no longer should be there.
I just...have such an unhealthy relationship with food. Some of the things I do...are not normal. And I feel like I have to be so secretive. I have not purged in almost 4 months, but I have come SO close lately. Two nights ago I ate a whole pizza by myself (binge) and it took everything I had inside of me not to purge. I had to text my therapist for encouragement. I did not end up purging, but I felt so sick and so huge
I hate, hate using numbers and I won't use them in my blog. But my caloric intake is low, way too low. I never have really been a calorie counter in the past, but I have become one over the past few months.
I don't know what my diagnosis at this point would be. I know initially when my eating disorder started 7 years ago it was ED-NOS. At one point I was anorexic, and at one point I was purging daily, but it wasn't binge and purge. Right now, I don't know what I am. I'm not purging, so nothing bulimic. But I'm not underweight either (at least not that I'm aware of).
Anyway, I'm just ready to get back on track. Because my physical symptoms are scaring me. And anytime food is involved, I feel totally consumed by ED. And I'm sick of it. I'm just scared, and I'm just ready to move on.
I realize this was a rant, and some of it may have been triggering to you. Sorry if that was the case. I need to deal with my eating disorder head on, and I feel like there has been a certain level of avoidance, that no longer should be there.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Kaleidoscope
This song brought tears to my eyes when I heard it for the first time the other day.
"You know me
How troubled I can be
But through your kaleidoscope
I let go
'Cause you show me
The world as it could be
Through your kaleidoscope
It's beautiful"
It makes me think of my best friend. And what he has shown me. Thanks JMF.
Monday, January 3, 2011
appointment
My dietitian appointment is set up for January 28. Which is about 3 weeks away. I am getting anxious about it, but also excited...ready to get rid of ED totally. I have already decided that I do not want to know my weight, not at all. I don't want to know if I have to gain weight either. I am going to tell my dietitian this and I know she will respect it. I don't weigh myself, haven't in a long time. I have found that when I DO weigh myself, my obsession to lose weight multiplies by 1000. It is just better for me not to know my weight. I don't even WANT to know it. Because I know whatever number it is...I won't be happy.
I think I am going to start back with trauma work in therapy this week. There are a lot of things about it that are bothering me, and I just need to process it.
There really isn't much else going on. Nothing exciting anyway. Just same old work schedule.
Maybe something exciting will happen soon.
I think I am going to start back with trauma work in therapy this week. There are a lot of things about it that are bothering me, and I just need to process it.
There really isn't much else going on. Nothing exciting anyway. Just same old work schedule.
Maybe something exciting will happen soon.
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