panic attack

I had the worst panic attack today that I have had in a long, long time. I think I almost passed out, and I almost threw up too. My eyes were pouring out tears and it was so difficult to see my phone to text my therapist what was going on.

Thing is, I had therapy this morning. I left feeling okay, and grounded, and all that good stuff. 4 hours later I am gripping my bathroom sink , gasping for air, but my lungs and throat are so dry that I'm coughing and dry heaving.

Therapy was hard, which is probably what triggered this panic attack. We talked about how I need to get back on track with food, and not wait until January 28 for my appointment with my dietitian. I need to start now. She told me how many calories I need to be eating. I know it's a reasonable amount, but it is SO much compared to what I am eating now. She told me I needed to go to the grocery store and buy food for my house (something I haven't done in months).

Anywho, it just got me really overwhelmed. And the panic attack came on SO fast. I didn't even feel it coming, it was just there all of a sudden and it.was.hell.

What was going through my head? This eating disorder is bigger than me. There is SO much I have to do to recover. How can I do this? Will I be able to do this? How do people do this? This is too much. So...that's what led to my panic attack.

I somehow, through my eyes flooded with tears, was able to text my therapist. She told me to take deep breaths, and I did. And the panic attack faded away. But the aftermath...I hate it. I get super shaky, my teeth chatter, and my whole body shakes...but I'm breathing normally again.

And so, I picked myself up off of the floor, looked in the mirror, and my face was stained with eyeliner and mascara, my eyes were all bloodshot, and I looked like hell. But I had survived my panic attack. And I really truly honestly thought that I was going to die in the midst of it.

My therapist encouraged me to do something to ground myself. So I straightened my hair. With hair as thick, curly, and as long as mine...it took a while. So I finished doing that and now I'm feeling better. I'm writing this and I'm watching a movie. Dinner later tonight with the 'rents. Work one job tomorrow. And then I will go to the grocery store.
And then going to D.C. on Saturday for the night.

I can do this.