eating disorder

I think I have been in a certain level of denial about my eating disorder lately. I thought my food intake was normal for me and I wasn't losing weight, so what's the big deal? But now I realize that, with the anemia, the dizzy spells, and most recently...the chest pain...that I am not eating enough. In fact I eat way way too little. This is why I want to get a meal plan and see my dietitian and get back on track. Yes I want to get back into recovery...but I am terrified too.

I just...have such an unhealthy relationship with food. Some of the things I do...are not normal. And I feel like I have to be so secretive. I have not purged in almost 4 months, but I have come SO close lately. Two nights ago I ate a whole pizza by myself (binge) and it took everything I had inside of me not to purge. I had to text my therapist for encouragement. I did not end up purging, but I felt so sick and so huge

I hate, hate using numbers and I won't use them in my blog. But my caloric intake is low, way too low. I never have really been a calorie counter in the past, but I have become one over the past few months.

I don't know what my diagnosis at this point would be. I know initially when my eating disorder started 7 years ago it was ED-NOS. At one point I was anorexic, and at one point I was purging daily, but it wasn't binge and purge. Right now, I don't know what I am. I'm not purging, so nothing bulimic. But I'm not underweight either (at least not that I'm aware of).

Anyway, I'm just ready to get back on track. Because my physical symptoms are scaring me. And anytime food is involved, I feel totally consumed by ED. And I'm sick of it. I'm just scared, and I'm just ready to move on.

I realize this was a rant, and some of it may have been triggering to you. Sorry if that was the case. I need to deal with my eating disorder head on, and I feel like there has been a certain level of avoidance, that no longer should be there.