Day 1, start over again

Day 1 w/o self harm. Starting over again. I am not going to dwell on it, not going to feel guilty about it, because what good does that do? I'm just going to move forward at this point.

I had coffee with a really great friend this morning. When I told her about it she said something along the lines of, "The next time you want to do that, to harm yourself, remember what you feel like now, remember how bad you feel about it now, and that will motivate you to not do it again." I must say, that is very good advice and something I have never really thought about before. I acted out last night in a moment of desperation and complete misery and dissociation. But there really is no excuse. The second I had stopped doing it, I was filled with guilt and regret. And I do not want to feel that way again.

So today is Day 1. I am starting over. I can only move forward, I have no choice but to do that.

Frustration

Thanksgiving and my 4 days off from work were really good. Not going into the boring details, that's all you need to know.

I am flooded with frustration though. My laptop, which is a piece of shit, is about to die. This is probably the 445774 time it's almost died. This time might be it, and as horrible as it sounds, I don't know what I would do without a computer. I use it to write, to find comfort, to listen to music, to talk to people, to email, to communicate. And my blogs mean the world to me. They keep me going. My dad is upstairs working on it right now. I am praying to whatever God there is that he can at least get it semi functioning again. I want to scream, because I am so frustrated.

I guess the laptop crisis is one of several things making my frustration come to a boiling point right now. I am ready to fight my eating disorder. Wait, correction...I am fighting my eating disorder. But the thoughts are so powerful and so loud. I had a crisis in the grocery store today. I did not know what to buy. I thought about a meal plan my dietitian made for me years ago and the foods that she suggested I eat. But I couldn't bring myself to buy them. My ED was telling me..."you will get fat, you will gain weight, you will be normal" And then there were things I wanted to buy like...for example, dark chocolate. I love dark chocolate, and it's supposedly good for you. But my ED was saying, "yes you WANT this, but you don't NEED it. Therefore you CAN'T have it." So of course I didn't buy it. I feel like crying right now, and I did in the grocery store too because it is so frustrating. I am as willing and motivated as ever to beat this ED, but it's harder than ever. But I've always heard that...that recovery is harder than the actual act of being in an eating disorder. It sure feels that way. I wanted to walk through the grocery store today and buy foods that I wanted to eat and not feel guilty about it. I want to be able to eat whatever I want. But my ED tells me I'm not allowed to. And right now, after two Thanksgiving feasts this weekend, I feel like I have to starve myself to "cleanse" myself from all the food I have consumed.

My cycle of restrictive eating all day long, and bingeing at night (although I'm not sure it's considered a binge) has been my daily ritual for years now. And I've never really seen it as that abnormal until recently. I've had co-workers point out my strange eating habits and rituals and it's really embarrassing. Normal eating is possible right? I mean, at one point in my life I ate like everyone else...so I have to be able to do it again, right?

I am so fed up with a friend of mine, although I don't think she's my friend anymore. I know I need to accept that either she doesn't want me in her life anymore, or something is going on with her that she feels like she can't talk to me...but it's burning me up inside. And I miss her. I'm angry, and I hate that I'm angry because it's not okay for me to angry about something that I don't know everything about. But I miss my friend, who I called my best friend in the world for many years. And I cannot understand why she flat out stopped talking to me. It blows my mind and I cannot wrap my head around it.

I am continuing to deal with the abuse in therapy, and have recently decided to disclose the abuse to my mom. This was at the suggestion of my therapist. I am concerned about it and a little hesitant, but I listened to what my therapist had to say about it and decided I should do it. I will most likely bring my mom into a therapy session in a few weeks. I have to talk all of this over with my therapist first.

I am also overwhelmed and frustrated with dealing with the abuse. New memories have surfaced lately, nothing of significance I don't think. But just thinks that are creepy to me and make me feel sick inside. I hate feeling so detached from all of it, feeling like I was not there. I don't feel like I'm moving forward at this point in time. I feel like my emotions surrounding it are numbed. I am pushing away anything that comes up and I hate it. I hate it so much.

Well, I thought this would make me feel better..writing all of this. But now I feel just as frustrated as ever and want to cry. My dad has gone out to get dinner and I am going to eat the stupid food like I need to and just ignore ED.

I need a hug, or something.

Happy Thanksgiving!

What I am thankful for:

- My family

-New friends (Karen, Mike, Emily, Alison, Landin, James, Marina, Ania)

- My dogs, Sophie and Lucy

- Having two jobs

-My incredibly amazing therapist

- Laughter

- Having hope again

- 2010 being a pretty fucking awesome year

- Having hope that 2011 will be 10 times better

- Being over 3 months purge free

- My body, for not giving up on me

- Spending this Thanksgiving with my favorite cousins

- All of those who have shaped my life and who I am in some way, whether in a negative or positive way

- My car (even though it needs to be fixed every couple of months)

- And just the power of love, of humor in rough situations, and having someone to reach out to when I need them, and being there for someone when they need me.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

sick of it

*warning* this post may be very angry, over dramatic, triggering*

I am SO sick of my eating disorder. Like really fucking sick of it. Just sick of eating disorders in general. I hate them. I hate what it does to people, what it does to me. I am sick of constantly wanting to lose weight, to look emaciated, to have people comment that I have lost weight (when in reality, my weight is normal and healthy). I'm sick of wanting to restrict my caloric intake, of wanting to make myself look thinner anyway possible. Trying to wear clothes that make me look skinnier, holding my arm at a certain angle to make it look bonier or more muscular, trying to stick out my collarbones when people are talking to me. I'm sick of my hunger balance being completely off. Sick of wanting nothing to do with food, with being nauseous at the thought of food, but sometimes...food being every thing I can think about. Sick of having fantasies of being in a hospital bed with a feeding tube in my nose and an IV in my arm. I am REALLY sick of being jealous of anorexics, of how skinny they are, how their bones stick out. Why do I want to look like them so badly? It's so frustrating and destructive. I'm sick of wondering if the other eating disordered girls my therapist sees are skinnier than I am, sicker than I am, needing more attention than I am. And if they are? I want to be just like them. I'm sick of WANTING to be sick.

At the same time, I want to be healthy. I want to love my body. I want to eat 3 meals a day. I want to not obsess over my outfits and my make-up and my hair, and the way my nail polish looks. I want to breathe in healthiness and life and success. I want to be good at being good. And not good at being sick and unhealthy. I want to embrace my thighs (which I hate about myself). In reality I have very muscular thighs, but to me they are huge, so huge. I want to embrace my fat face, my imperfect teeth, my nose, all those things about myself I don't like and worry about and obsess over. I want them to be in the past and behind me. I want to focus more on the fact that I LOVE my eyes, I love the color of my hair, I love my small feet, I love my arm muscles.
I want to love me for me.

I want this eating disorder sickness and obsession to be DONE. It's been 7 years...I'm over it. But yet...it still consumes my life, and my daily activities. I am in no means as sick as I have been in the past, but things have been better than they are now. And I know things can be great. So why I am still holding myself back?

I'm so sick of being sick.

Alone

I feel so alone, I can't take it. This grief, this sadness, this emptiness inside of me hurts. I am fighting, I really am. I am eating more, but sometimes the anxiety is so much that I just can't. I know I have to fight through it anyway, but it's so difficult. The anxiety is crippling me.

And my emotions, they are everywhere. I am trying not to hold them back. I am trying to allow myself to feel and to cry and to hurt. And not numb and not use my eating disorder and cutting.

Therapy has gotten tough, but in a good way. I'm talking through trauma memories. I am acknowledging what was done to me...as hard as it is. Does anyone else struggle with this? Accepting that you were in fact sexually abused? That now you have to deal with PTSD and all that other crap? I sometimes have to pinch myself. I sometimes cannot believe it is me. 10 years ago is a long time. But it's affecting me today, in ways that it didn't affect me then. Back then, I went numb, I blocked it out. I denied. I forgot. Today...I am talking about it, remembering it, putting the pieces together. It's hard as hell. And it's a very lonely process.

I'm trying to do my deep breathing. It does help. I wish I had more hugs, more warmth in my body. I feel cold and untouchable.

And...I miss my best friend. But does she miss me? I do not know.

I'm all over the place right now.

Jason Mraz - Who I Am Today (Boston, MA 9/12/2010)

Relaxed

I feel relaxed tonight for the first time in so long. The day started out pretty stressful. I had therapy. We went through a chapter, or part of a chapter, in The Courage to Heal workbook. It was really tough, really embarrassing, and really overwhelming. I mean, it was very helpful, but it was hard. My anxiety, which has been through the roof lately, reached an all time high today. I felt my heart racing, my chest pounding, my brain was going a million miles an hour. I mean, it was ridiculous and on top of sleep deprivation, I felt like I was headed for a breakdown.

But then, I had a massage today. Now, this wasn't any ordinary massage. My new friend, whom I met last Friday at the RR event, is a massage therapist, and works with women with eating disorders. I have to admit I was nervous going into the massage. I wasn't sure if the touch (even though completely safe and trusting) was going to bring up memories. But it didn't. It was the most relaxing and...I can't even find the words for it, but it was an amazing experience. Throughout the massage I felt the stored up tension and emotions leaving my body. After K left the room, I started crying. And it wasn't bad crying. It was good crying. In my head I was saying, "Oh my gosh I feel so relaxed, I feel so free, I feel so pure. I don't feel stressed out like a crazy person and on edge and about to break." I felt emotional and physical release. And it was just what I needed. I sat with K and talked for a little while after wards. I have found a really awesome friend (who also taught me how to take deep breaths). Who knew taking deep breaths would be so hard? It is for me, but maybe not anymore.

I had a good cry on the way home, and it was needed, and it felt good. I went to lay down on my couch with a bottle of water in hand and I literally couldn't move. My body and soul felt relaxation!

Now I am in a completely relaxed state. Maybe this won't last forever, maybe I will wake up tomorrow and feel like an anxiety mess all over again. But this moment, these several hours of relaxation and peace have been JUST what I needed.