Relaxed

I feel relaxed tonight for the first time in so long. The day started out pretty stressful. I had therapy. We went through a chapter, or part of a chapter, in The Courage to Heal workbook. It was really tough, really embarrassing, and really overwhelming. I mean, it was very helpful, but it was hard. My anxiety, which has been through the roof lately, reached an all time high today. I felt my heart racing, my chest pounding, my brain was going a million miles an hour. I mean, it was ridiculous and on top of sleep deprivation, I felt like I was headed for a breakdown.

But then, I had a massage today. Now, this wasn't any ordinary massage. My new friend, whom I met last Friday at the RR event, is a massage therapist, and works with women with eating disorders. I have to admit I was nervous going into the massage. I wasn't sure if the touch (even though completely safe and trusting) was going to bring up memories. But it didn't. It was the most relaxing and...I can't even find the words for it, but it was an amazing experience. Throughout the massage I felt the stored up tension and emotions leaving my body. After K left the room, I started crying. And it wasn't bad crying. It was good crying. In my head I was saying, "Oh my gosh I feel so relaxed, I feel so free, I feel so pure. I don't feel stressed out like a crazy person and on edge and about to break." I felt emotional and physical release. And it was just what I needed. I sat with K and talked for a little while after wards. I have found a really awesome friend (who also taught me how to take deep breaths). Who knew taking deep breaths would be so hard? It is for me, but maybe not anymore.

I had a good cry on the way home, and it was needed, and it felt good. I went to lay down on my couch with a bottle of water in hand and I literally couldn't move. My body and soul felt relaxation!

Now I am in a completely relaxed state. Maybe this won't last forever, maybe I will wake up tomorrow and feel like an anxiety mess all over again. But this moment, these several hours of relaxation and peace have been JUST what I needed.