Frustration

Thanksgiving and my 4 days off from work were really good. Not going into the boring details, that's all you need to know.

I am flooded with frustration though. My laptop, which is a piece of shit, is about to die. This is probably the 445774 time it's almost died. This time might be it, and as horrible as it sounds, I don't know what I would do without a computer. I use it to write, to find comfort, to listen to music, to talk to people, to email, to communicate. And my blogs mean the world to me. They keep me going. My dad is upstairs working on it right now. I am praying to whatever God there is that he can at least get it semi functioning again. I want to scream, because I am so frustrated.

I guess the laptop crisis is one of several things making my frustration come to a boiling point right now. I am ready to fight my eating disorder. Wait, correction...I am fighting my eating disorder. But the thoughts are so powerful and so loud. I had a crisis in the grocery store today. I did not know what to buy. I thought about a meal plan my dietitian made for me years ago and the foods that she suggested I eat. But I couldn't bring myself to buy them. My ED was telling me..."you will get fat, you will gain weight, you will be normal" And then there were things I wanted to buy like...for example, dark chocolate. I love dark chocolate, and it's supposedly good for you. But my ED was saying, "yes you WANT this, but you don't NEED it. Therefore you CAN'T have it." So of course I didn't buy it. I feel like crying right now, and I did in the grocery store too because it is so frustrating. I am as willing and motivated as ever to beat this ED, but it's harder than ever. But I've always heard that...that recovery is harder than the actual act of being in an eating disorder. It sure feels that way. I wanted to walk through the grocery store today and buy foods that I wanted to eat and not feel guilty about it. I want to be able to eat whatever I want. But my ED tells me I'm not allowed to. And right now, after two Thanksgiving feasts this weekend, I feel like I have to starve myself to "cleanse" myself from all the food I have consumed.

My cycle of restrictive eating all day long, and bingeing at night (although I'm not sure it's considered a binge) has been my daily ritual for years now. And I've never really seen it as that abnormal until recently. I've had co-workers point out my strange eating habits and rituals and it's really embarrassing. Normal eating is possible right? I mean, at one point in my life I ate like everyone else...so I have to be able to do it again, right?

I am so fed up with a friend of mine, although I don't think she's my friend anymore. I know I need to accept that either she doesn't want me in her life anymore, or something is going on with her that she feels like she can't talk to me...but it's burning me up inside. And I miss her. I'm angry, and I hate that I'm angry because it's not okay for me to angry about something that I don't know everything about. But I miss my friend, who I called my best friend in the world for many years. And I cannot understand why she flat out stopped talking to me. It blows my mind and I cannot wrap my head around it.

I am continuing to deal with the abuse in therapy, and have recently decided to disclose the abuse to my mom. This was at the suggestion of my therapist. I am concerned about it and a little hesitant, but I listened to what my therapist had to say about it and decided I should do it. I will most likely bring my mom into a therapy session in a few weeks. I have to talk all of this over with my therapist first.

I am also overwhelmed and frustrated with dealing with the abuse. New memories have surfaced lately, nothing of significance I don't think. But just thinks that are creepy to me and make me feel sick inside. I hate feeling so detached from all of it, feeling like I was not there. I don't feel like I'm moving forward at this point in time. I feel like my emotions surrounding it are numbed. I am pushing away anything that comes up and I hate it. I hate it so much.

Well, I thought this would make me feel better..writing all of this. But now I feel just as frustrated as ever and want to cry. My dad has gone out to get dinner and I am going to eat the stupid food like I need to and just ignore ED.

I need a hug, or something.