I feel so alone, I can't take it. This grief, this sadness, this emptiness inside of me hurts. I am fighting, I really am. I am eating more, but sometimes the anxiety is so much that I just can't. I know I have to fight through it anyway, but it's so difficult. The anxiety is crippling me.
And my emotions, they are everywhere. I am trying not to hold them back. I am trying to allow myself to feel and to cry and to hurt. And not numb and not use my eating disorder and cutting.
Therapy has gotten tough, but in a good way. I'm talking through trauma memories. I am acknowledging what was done to me...as hard as it is. Does anyone else struggle with this? Accepting that you were in fact sexually abused? That now you have to deal with PTSD and all that other crap? I sometimes have to pinch myself. I sometimes cannot believe it is me. 10 years ago is a long time. But it's affecting me today, in ways that it didn't affect me then. Back then, I went numb, I blocked it out. I denied. I forgot. Today...I am talking about it, remembering it, putting the pieces together. It's hard as hell. And it's a very lonely process.
I'm trying to do my deep breathing. It does help. I wish I had more hugs, more warmth in my body. I feel cold and untouchable.
And...I miss my best friend. But does she miss me? I do not know.
I'm all over the place right now.
Holly, I feel the exact same way. Not believing it was YOU. that you were actually that person and that you are the person you are now because of what happened to you. it's really hard to handle. I'm sorry you are feeling so alone. I wish I could be there for you. I'm really swamped with work, it's overwhelming, but I hope I can have more time to talk to you soon. please just keep working. I've really regulated my eating and it has definitely alleviated my anxiety. please just hang in there, beautiful. I love you girl <3
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