*warning* this post may be very angry, over dramatic, triggering*
I am SO sick of my eating disorder. Like really fucking sick of it. Just sick of eating disorders in general. I hate them. I hate what it does to people, what it does to me. I am sick of constantly wanting to lose weight, to look emaciated, to have people comment that I have lost weight (when in reality, my weight is normal and healthy). I'm sick of wanting to restrict my caloric intake, of wanting to make myself look thinner anyway possible. Trying to wear clothes that make me look skinnier, holding my arm at a certain angle to make it look bonier or more muscular, trying to stick out my collarbones when people are talking to me. I'm sick of my hunger balance being completely off. Sick of wanting nothing to do with food, with being nauseous at the thought of food, but sometimes...food being every thing I can think about. Sick of having fantasies of being in a hospital bed with a feeding tube in my nose and an IV in my arm. I am REALLY sick of being jealous of anorexics, of how skinny they are, how their bones stick out. Why do I want to look like them so badly? It's so frustrating and destructive. I'm sick of wondering if the other eating disordered girls my therapist sees are skinnier than I am, sicker than I am, needing more attention than I am. And if they are? I want to be just like them. I'm sick of WANTING to be sick.
At the same time, I want to be healthy. I want to love my body. I want to eat 3 meals a day. I want to not obsess over my outfits and my make-up and my hair, and the way my nail polish looks. I want to breathe in healthiness and life and success. I want to be good at being good. And not good at being sick and unhealthy. I want to embrace my thighs (which I hate about myself). In reality I have very muscular thighs, but to me they are huge, so huge. I want to embrace my fat face, my imperfect teeth, my nose, all those things about myself I don't like and worry about and obsess over. I want them to be in the past and behind me. I want to focus more on the fact that I LOVE my eyes, I love the color of my hair, I love my small feet, I love my arm muscles.
I want to love me for me.
I want this eating disorder sickness and obsession to be DONE. It's been 7 years...I'm over it. But yet...it still consumes my life, and my daily activities. I am in no means as sick as I have been in the past, but things have been better than they are now. And I know things can be great. So why I am still holding myself back?
I'm so sick of being sick.
you are BEAUTIFUL. the further you get along in recovery, the less you will want to be sick. I used to feel the same way (and occasionally still do) fantasizing about being thinner, sicker...but honestly, life feels so much better when you are healthy. just stick in the holly, use that anger. eating disorders fucking SUCK and they are totally fucked up. ED is the only one who wants us to be thin, ed is the only one who compares us to other girls and makes us compete. real, healthy people dont give a shit about any of that. they think it's sick, because it is. please just hang in there! I KNOW you can beat this. you are so beautiful, and there is something in you that wants to be better. hang on to that. it's worth it.
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