Coldplay-Yellow-Lyrics

This song means so much to me and what is going on in my life right now. I feel like I want to sing this to a certain person, and maybe they would sing it back to me.

Agh, it's just such a beautiful song with beautiful music and lyrics.

dietitian appointment

I saw my dietitian yesterday. I guess it went well. She seemed really taken aback when I told her what my daily intake has been over the past few weeks. It was sort of scary to see her so concerned. She put together a "snack plan" for me, instead of a meal plan. Since I have not been able to eat a meal without purging it in 2 weeks, we decided to start slowly with a safe and simple plan. She wants me to eat 6 snacks a day, at 6 different times during the day. All of them have the be different snacks, never repeating the same snack in one day. I will try this plan for 2 weeks and then we well re-assess and see what changes need to be made or what needs to happen. She said to me, "this plan I am giving you is going to be HARD. I'm not saying you can't do it, it's just going to be really, really hard, given the spot you are in right now."

She also weighed me, but I did not look and she didn't say anything about it. I am so glad I did not look, because I know it would have just fed into my eating disorder even more. But there is a part of me that is obsessed with wanting to know my weight. I won't give in though.

Something else...I have known my dietitian since I was 14 years old. That means she has known me for almost 8 years. She knew me when I went to Remuda, she was the one who recommended it. She wrote to me every week when I was there. She knows me and can read me like a book. And out of all the people on my treatment team right now, I trust her the most. She gave me a big hug at the end of our appointment yesterday and said, "I love you and I always have and I always will." That was the sort of thing I needed to hear. It gave me comfort, it gave me strength. I told her that I didn't want to disappoint anyone, or make anyone mad, or anything like that. She said that no matter what I do, no matter what happens, she will always be there and will always care about me and love me. How lucky am I?

So now, everyone on my team knows what is up with me and this relapse. And all of them have said...if things don't get better in a couple of weeks, then I need to go to treatment.

I called Remuda yesterday, just to do a quick phone assessment and see what kind of options I had. The woman I talked to said I needed to be there, and they could take me tomorrow if I wanted. Unfortunately I have the worst insurance in the world that does not cover ANYTHING. And so I would have to pay out of pocket if I were to go to Remuda, or anywhere for that matter. I can't even type out how expensive 30 days at Remuda is right now because it's INSANE. Like seriously, it shouldn't have to cost that much. It makes me angry. But whatever. Even if I do need to go to treatment in a couple of weeks, it would never fly with my parents and they could never afford it. So why think about it?

I guess I have to do this on an outpatient basis, which is also going to prove to be expensive. Because once again, my insurance does not cover any mental health services. My therapist and dietitian both agree I need to see my therapist every week right now. Even with two jobs, I am going to be struggling to pay for this.

So, anyway...that's that.

angry, scared and tears

"Your eyes to me say...angry, scared and tears". That's what my psychiatrist said to me today, and he is right on.

Today was a very frustrating day. First of all, I did not fall asleep last night, so I was beyond exhausted. I was running on nothing. No fuel in my body, and no sleep. I went to my therapy appointment this morning. It was so frustrating and I left so angry. I felt that my therapist was not understanding what I am feeling, and she was trying to tell me why things are the the way they are. And I disagreed with her on most everything she said today. I was kind of a bitch to her when I left, but later apologized and explained how I am just so frustrated with everything right now, mostly myself. She said there was no need to apologize and that she cares about me and wants to be there for me in any way she can.

And then I went to my psychiatrist appointment. It was a really, really good session. I was able to vent and express everything that is going on. All my fears, all my doubts, all my concerns. My psychiatrist has become a person that I trust and have been able to open up to, and I like that. I know he genuinely cares about me. He put me back on 20mg of Prozac (I'm not too entirely happy about it, but I'll give it a try). He says if things don't turn around with my eating disorder in a couple of weeks, then I need to start calling treatment centers. Yikes.

So then I left that appointment, had "lunch" with a friend (I say it like that because all I had was coffee and a few bites of my salad). And then I went to work, and I am just now getting home. I don't know how I made it through work. I seriously was on the verge of a massive panic attack/hyperventilation the whole night. It was a combination of lack of sleep, lack of nutrition, and extreme stress and I turned to my manager at one point and said, "I think I'm about to pass out, I'm not lying". I went to the back and sat on the chair and had some water, cried some, took deep breaths, stood up and got back to work. I cannot tell you how hard it was to keep myself together, to keep myself from hyperventilating and sobbing. My heart was racing.

So here I lay in bed...so exhausted I can barely keep my head up. My psychiatrist prescribed Seroquel to help with the sleep. I hope it works. I need sleep, I need good sleep. I had dinner tonight. It was safe, safe enough that I didn't feel I had to purge it. So I guess that is a good step.

Tomorrow I have work at my other job for the lunch shift, and then an appointment with my dietitian. I am excited to see her (she is the most amazing woman I know), but also very hesitant and nervous. I don't know what to expect. I will be sure to update after that appointment.

But for now, I will drink the rest of my Bedtime hot tea, and fall asleep.

heart

This is scaring me. The past few times I have purged I get chest pain and my heart feels like it's working harder than it should. It could just simply be anxiety, which it probably is. But what if it's something else. I'm laying here in bed, and I am so exhausted. I want to sleep. But my mind and my heart is racing. I feel like I am breathing harder and faster. It's scary. It's just anxiety right?

Maybe I am just freaking out about my appointments tomorrow.

I promise to give a more updated, detailed blog post after all of these appointments, and hopefully I will be a little more positive and uplifting.

I don't know

I don't know anything anymore, except my eating disorder.

I don't know how to eat, I don't remember. Every time I sit down to eat, I dissociate.
What do you do when you want to give your ED, when you know it's bad for you and it's not helping, but at the same time...you want it...you want your ED? What are you supposed to do? What do I need?


Flashbacks are creeping back in and I HATE it.

honesty

A lot of you have encouraged me to be honest with my treatment team when I have all my appointments this week. And I will be. One thing I really pride myself on being is honest. I hate keeping secrets, I hate keeping things from those who care about me and want to help me. And so far I have been 100% honest about what I have been eating, or not eating, and how much I have been purging.

I'm not worried about not being honest or lying about everything. For the most part when it comes to my self destructive behaviors, at some point or another I always end up admitting to what I am doing. I hate the shame I feel when I DON'T tell someone. And it builds up so I just feel like I have to tell people.

The only people I am really not honest about this stuff with is...my friends, my co-workers, and usually my family. My family doesn't normally ask questions, even if they suspect something is going on. And I usually don't offer it up either. My best friend asked me if I had been purging. I said no. And that's a lie.

But I want to reassure people that...I will be honest with the people that need to know about these things the most. I trust myself when it comes to that.

It's a cycle.

Starve for a few days. Then eat something normal, a normal meal. But then I purge. And then it begins again. People are starting to comment on my appearance and that makes me nervous. Especially when it's my managers and co-workers. I don't want them to find any reason to fire me. I am scared of work right now because people who I thought were good workers are being fired, and I am afraid that if I make one mistake, my ass is gone. And I cannot have that happen. It would make things 100% worse.

I know I need to grow up and just eat and keep it down. I know this. I know I can do it. But my own inner voice is lost somewhere inside of me. That healthy voice that tells me what is right and healthy has almost completely faded away. All I hear is ED. Some of it I know are lies, and some of it I believe with every part of me is true.

How did I get out of my last relapse? I got tired of doing what I was doing. It was too exhausting and annoying and so I just started being semi normal again. I don't feel I have reached that point. I feel like the healthy thing to do would be annoying and exhausting. And I'm scared to lose my ED. There...I said it.

Next week I have a week full of work and appointments. Neither my psychiatrist nor my dietitian know how badly this relapse has turned out to be. Should I give them a heads up? I haven't seen my dietitian for treatment in over a year. I emailed her before the New Year to tell her that I wanted to see her a couple of times to "get back on track with recovery and set up a meal plan". Since I wrote that email my eating disorder has spiraled out of control. So, what should I do? Should I email her and my psychiatrist in advance telling them how bad it is? How I haven't been able to go 2 days without purging?

Blah. I'm just tired.