Starve for a few days. Then eat something normal, a normal meal. But then I purge. And then it begins again. People are starting to comment on my appearance and that makes me nervous. Especially when it's my managers and co-workers. I don't want them to find any reason to fire me. I am scared of work right now because people who I thought were good workers are being fired, and I am afraid that if I make one mistake, my ass is gone. And I cannot have that happen. It would make things 100% worse.
I know I need to grow up and just eat and keep it down. I know this. I know I can do it. But my own inner voice is lost somewhere inside of me. That healthy voice that tells me what is right and healthy has almost completely faded away. All I hear is ED. Some of it I know are lies, and some of it I believe with every part of me is true.
How did I get out of my last relapse? I got tired of doing what I was doing. It was too exhausting and annoying and so I just started being semi normal again. I don't feel I have reached that point. I feel like the healthy thing to do would be annoying and exhausting. And I'm scared to lose my ED. There...I said it.
Next week I have a week full of work and appointments. Neither my psychiatrist nor my dietitian know how badly this relapse has turned out to be. Should I give them a heads up? I haven't seen my dietitian for treatment in over a year. I emailed her before the New Year to tell her that I wanted to see her a couple of times to "get back on track with recovery and set up a meal plan". Since I wrote that email my eating disorder has spiraled out of control. So, what should I do? Should I email her and my psychiatrist in advance telling them how bad it is? How I haven't been able to go 2 days without purging?
Blah. I'm just tired.
Babe- I wish I had an answer for you bc my ED is on full blast right now. I just want to get out of my freaking depression first.
ReplyDeleteHang in there- I think when you're ready and the time is right- you can do it
xoxo
You need to be honest.
ReplyDeleteCompletely honest.
And I lost my job when I was sick because the company I worked for said I was a liability.
It is the price you pay.
An ED steals everything.
Everything.
Don't let it take any more Holly xxx
If you want to email them, you can. I don't think it's really necessary, though, to let them know the amount of help you need.
ReplyDeleteI think the appointments are going to be really good for you. You've got to tell them everything, though. No lies. No hiding.
And you've got to keep yourself honest, too. It sounds like you're doing that through this blog, but make sure you let others know the truth, too.
Just think of how miserable you are now and how happy you were before, without ED. BEFORE you heard and thought of things other than food and your lack of interaction with it. Let's try to go back to that Holly. I know you can do it. One day at a time, one meal at a time, one minute at a time.
<3